Tag Archives: Boxed

Mushroom Meatloaf Mayhem

Posted on by Standard Reply

If you want beef, then bring the ruckus! My mushroom meatloaf ain’t nothin’ to ████ with.

With the likely chance of repeating myself, I like to make meatloaf different all the time. I make “normal” ones often, and made a crazy breakfast one one time. I think I have even crushed up Cheese⟐Its or Doritos in lieu of breadcrumbs. I blame Chopped. I forgot that I made one VERY similar to this not too long ago. The blog post was kind of sus as I was using LLM as I cooked to keep track of what I was did in hopes of having a coherent recipe for a post, & had 4 of them pop out interpretations of my recipe. I put the examples there. That may be overwhelming. I’ll do all the writing for this one. I sort of half-plan and wing it with meatloaf. This time I wanted to do some mashed potatoes & acorn squash with it too… so I did.

Two freshly baked meatloaves topped with cream of mushroom soup and crispy fried onions, resting on a sheet pan.
Mushroom Meatloaf Mayhem

This was an absurd amount of meatloaf, but I like leftovers and I’ll probably freeze some for later too. This is what I bought or had on hand this time. Most of my ingredients nowadays come from Aldi, & we do get some stuff at Giant Total Eagle.

I used a lot of processed ingredients, so I didn’t add any salt… other than what was in the season salt. I forget if we have McCormick or the Aldi brand. Of course you could use fresh mushrooms like I did last time… but this is what struck me to use this time. Also, you can use any kind of cheese or meat you want. If you don’t like, mushrooms, or onions… I will say “Bean Soup” to you and you can find other meatloaf recipes where they’re not the focus. If you don’t like meat… I would be interested to hear your suggestions for substitutions here.

You know… if I put shredded green beans in this, and maybe bacon pieces… it would be green bean casserole meatloaf. 🤯

Here are all the parts to the meal, and what I did to bring it all together at the same time…

A collage showing the preparation of meatloaf, featuring sautéed onions and mushrooms, a mixture of ground beef with seasonings, a bowl of a creamy mixture, and slices of white bread laid out on a baking tray.
A split image featuring creamy brown gravy on the left and smooth mashed potatoes on the right, both prepared in mixing bowls.
A plate featuring a slice of meatloaf topped with brown gravy, accompanied by a serving of mashed potatoes also covered in gravy.
A serving of meatloaf topped with gravy, accompanied by a side of mashed potatoes on a white plate.
Baked acorn squash halves caramelized and arranged in a glass dish, featuring a slightly charred edge and a sweet, golden center.
A bowl containing roasted acorn squash, with a golden-brown exterior and a small pool of liquid inside.

The Mushroom Mayhem Meatloaf

Ingredients:

  • ½ stick unsalted butter (OK, maybe ¾)
  • A splash of EVOO.
  • A splash of milk.
  • ½ Spanish Onion
  • 1 cup French-fried onions.
  • 2 4-oz. cans of mushrooms
  • 2 10.5-oz. cans condensed cream of mushroom soup
  • 1½ cups panko breadcrumbs
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1 cup shredded Havarti cheese.
  • 2 tsp. jarred minced garlic (oh I know some of you hate it)
  • 4 lbs. ground beef (As it worked out I had exactly 4 lbs., 2.54 of 80/20 & 1.46 of 93/7.)
  • A1 (to taste)
  • Garlic Powder (to taste)
  • Onion Powder (to taste)
  • Seasoned Salt (like Morton’s Season All, Lawry’s, or Stonemill to taste)
  • Mrs. Dash’s Table Blend (to taste)
  • Black Pepper (to taste)
  • Ground Mustard (to taste)
  • Paprika (to taste)
  • 4 slices of cheap spongy white bread

Instructions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 375°.
  2. Drain & dice one can of mushrooms, dice the onion, and crunch up some of those french-fried onions to throw in there too.
  3. Hit the onion with garlic powder & onion powder.
  4. Melt some butter with a splash of EVOO on medium-high heat in a frying pan, then add the mushrooms & onions, sauté on medium-low for a while until the mushrooms are translucent & almost starting to caramelize. Toss in some of that minced garlic once it gets going. Set aside.
  5. Mix 1 can of the cream of mushroom soup, the breadcrumbs, about a ½ cup of the French fried onions, & 2 splashes of A1 in a bowl. (Would this count as a panade?)
  6. Whisk the eggs, the splash of milk, & all your spices in the bowl. Or use a fork. Be whimsical. Improvise.
  7. In a large mixing bowl, mix the ground beef, about ¾ of the sauteed mushrooms & onions, the sort-of panade, the egg mixture, about 1 cup of shredded Havarti, & another tsp. of that minced garlic. Mix it all up. (I started with a spoon spatula, then just used my hands.)
  8. Form the meatloaf into two loaves placed on top of the slices of white bread on a sheet pan. (You had that ready right? I mean, you read this all through before you started and knew you needed to have that ready before you got your hands all raw-meatloafy, right?)
  9. Sprinkle Seasoned Salt & whatever other spices you want on the top.
  10. Cover with foil, & put in the oven for about a ½ hour-ish? I cooked to temperature, not time. (The USDA says ground beef should hit 160° to prevent all kinds of potentially horrible things.)
  11. Mix together another can of condensed cream of mushroom soup, some more shredded Havarti, some French-fried onions, a small can of mushrooms, about half of what you have left of the sauteed onion/mushroom mix, & some A1 & spices.
  12. Open the oven, take the foil off, insert your thermometer probes, slather on the mixture, and slide it back in. Cook for about an additional hour. Maybe? (This is where I slid it to the side & popped in my golden acorn squash.)
  13. Take it out when it hits the 160°, let it rest for a bit, and have at it!

Notes:

  • I add whatever spices at each step as I go.
  • Of course, use fresh mushrooms or different onions, or whatever speaks to you.
  • Monitor your meatloaf, if cooling alone maybe do an hour covered, then uncover a bit, put in the probes, & slather the stuff on top later. I didn’t want to keep opening the oven.
  • I rarely measure when making stuff like this… these are suggestions at best.
  • I was originally going to make one long-ass loaf, but I decided on 2 smaller ones at the last minute. I should have put them side by side, not end to end.
  • Use a loaf pan or two if that’s your thing, or a glass baking dish, or whatever works for you. I like the freeform loaf on bread, it works for me. Just maybe don’t do feetloaf or faceloaf. Really, don’t do this.
  • I start with an empty dishwasher and just rinse & pop everything in there as I use it because I have a small kitchen.
  • You could rock out to Meatloaf while you make meatloaf. Or some Wu Tang.

Roasted Golden Acorn Squash

Ingredients:

  • 2 golden acorn squashes
  • 1 stick of butter
  • Paprika (to taste)
  • Onion Powder (to taste)
  • Brown Sugar (to taste)

Recipe:

  1. Your oven is already at 375° with the meatloaf above, right?
  2. Melt the butter, spices, & sugar in a microwave safe bowl.
  3. Cut the acorn squash in half with a sharp serrated knife from the stem to the tip on both sides, then pop it open.
  4. Scoop out the seeds & strings with a spoon.
  5. Score the insides with a cross-hatch pattern or whatever floats your boat.
  6. Put the 4 halves open side up in a glass baking dish in about ¼ of water.
  7. Try to evenly distribute the sugary melted butter in the centers, being sure to drizzle some on the top too. I used a small gravy ladle.
  8. Let it ride in the oven for about an hour or so, maybe an hour and 15 minutes. You want it to just slightly start to burn on the edges.

Notes:

  • If I was not sharing the oven with meatloaf, I probably would have put these in at 400° or 425°. I am here to tell you that recipes are merely suggestions and you are free to adapt on the fly and use your own free will.
  • Lots of recipes have you start acorn squash face down, then turn them over, do the hokey pokey & all that. I am here to tell you that you absolutely do not need to do all that. Save your time & energy for other meal prep or solving one of my mazes.
  • Use whatever spices or sweetener you like. I find maple syrup overpowering sometimes, but it is popular here. I actually in hindsight should have tried hot honey on one. It seems to be all the rage. Some cayenne would really work well here.
  • Instead of a cross-hatch pattern, you could make a face, carve a list of your enemies, or this.
  • Squashes sounds weird. Can squash itself be plural?

Nashed Tapaters N’ Gravy

This may be controversial. I like boxed instant mashed potatoes. They’re quick. I can control the consistency easily. They are a blank canvas upon which you can paint your flavorful dreams. On holidays? I am doing real potatoes. Typical dinner? Flakes are fine.

Mashed Potato Ingredients:

  • Boxed Mashed Potato Flakes
  • Milk
  • Butter
  • Beef Bouillon Cube
  • Shredded Havarti
  • Black Pepper (to taste)
  • White Pepper (to taste)
  • Mrs. Dash’s Table Blend (to taste)
  • Garlic Powder (to taste)
  • Onion Powder (to taste)

Mashed Potato “Recipe”:

  1. Make the potatoes according to the directions on the box. Their suggested serving sizes are a lie. Go big, or go home.
  2. I pop a beef bouillon cube or two in the water instead of the salt. It ties it in to the meatloaf nicely and adds salt & flavor.
  3. Stir in some shredded Havarti cheese at the end. Measure with your heart. Or your appendix. Whatever organ is speaking, just listen.
  4. Add some more butter.

Gravy Ingredients:

  • 1 brown gravy packet
  • 1 mushroom gravy packet
  • 1 4-oz. can of mushrooms
  • 1 10.5-oz. can condensed cream of mushroom soup
  • Some of those sauteed mushrooms & onions from waaay back up top
  • Black Pepper (to taste)
  • White Pepper (to taste)
  • Mrs. Dash’s Table Blend (to taste)
  • Garlic Powder (to taste)
  • Onion Powder (to taste)

Gravy “Recipe”:

  1. Mix the gravy packets both at once according to the directions on the pack… adding in your preferred spices.
  2. Once it is fully simmered & not clunky… pop the burner back up to medium and add in the soup, the canned mushrooms, and some of your sauteed onion & mushroom mix.
  3. Keep that going until it’s all heated through, you shouldn’t need to let it boil again. Let it rest a bit.

Notes:

  • I’m an anarchist when it comes to instant potatoes. Toss in buttermilk, sour cream, cheese, garlic… whatever you want. Use chicken stock or vegetable stock instead of water. I try to tie it in to the main dish.
  • You could make a gravy from scratch… but it’ll be almost the same stuff that’s in the packets. And, I wasn’t about to collect the drippings from the meatloaf to make a gravy like you would with a roast. 🤣

🍖🍄🧅🧀🥔

There you have it. What would you do differently? Have anything you picked up that you might try? What are your meatloaf go-to recipes, tips, & tricks? Have any other meatloaf styles, or do you do it straight-up old school ketchup glaze? Most importantly, what are you rocking out to as you make meatloaf?

Hot Turkey Sandwich Dinner (Quick Style!) 🦃

Posted on by Standard 1

I love a good hot sandwich smothered in gravy, be it roast beef, meatloaf, or turkey. I was in the mood for a turkey one like you’d get at a diner, and being a week night after work, wanted to put it together pretty quickly as I hadn’t thought ahead to use the crock pot.


Putting it here, so if I want it again I’ll remember what I did right & want to try it again. I may have to double the recipe when the kids are home. This fed two of us & left enough for me for lunch.

The Turkey:

  • 2 Breast Cutlets
  • 1 can of Yuengling Traditional Lager (Or Straub Amber, or Shiner Bock, or Smithwick’s, or Killian’s Irish Red. Pick a good beer.)
  • ⅔ cup carrot chips. (Yup, cheated & bought those in a bag too.)
  • 1 Spanish Onion, peeled & quartered.
  • 2 tsp. of minced garlic from a jar like a lazy person.
  • A bunch of your preferred spices. (I used, cracked pepper, poultry seasoning, sage, thyme, onion powder, garlic powder, paprika, Mrs. Dash’s table blend, and a bit of Season All.)
  1. Pre-heat the oven to 350°
  2. Put the turkey cutlets in a roasting pan, & pour the beer over them. Again, get good beer. No one wants you to cook with Coors or Budweiser or Mic Ultra.
  3. Toss in the onion & carrot.
  4. Add all the spices. When you think it’s too much, keep going.
  5. Stick in your meat thermometer probe that reads temperature while cooking.
  6. Pit the lid on, put it in the oven.
  7. I set the timer for 50 minutes, but it was done in a half hour or so. Cook to 165° internal temp & let it rest. I got distracted & took it to 170° and no one died, so don’t worry if it’s not precise.

The Veggies:

  • Bundle of Broccoli
  • Carrots from that bag you already opened.
  • Chicken Bullion Cube.
  • You still have those spices out, right?
  1. Eyeball some water into the pot, ad the bullion & spices.
  2. Chop that broccoli up and compost the stems or make those little fried things that looks delicious.
  3. Put the broccoli & carrots in the steamer thing that goes on top of the pot.
  4. Boil it for… I dunno. Not long. I like my broccoli bright green & crunchy. Bonus with the carrots being cut like this, they cook quickly too.

The ‘Taters:

  • They’re from a box. Follow the directions… sort of. I bought the store brand.
  • Use more butter than they call for.
  • Put a chicken bullion cube in the water instead of salt.
  • instead of lowfat milk, use ½ whole milk and ½ buttermilk. Add sour cream if you’re into complete and total anarchy.

The Gravy:

  • 2 jars of turkey gravy
  • roasting pan drippings
  • A bit of those carrots & onions.
  1. Heat the gravy on medium-high.
  2. Add pan drippings to taste
  3. Chop up the carrots & onions pretty small, & add them too.
  4. Cook it on medium until it thickens back up.

The Sandwich:

  • Texas Toast (Why do they call it that? it wasn’t toasted.)
  • That turkey, sliced after it has rested a bit.
  • That gravy.
  1. Put the bread on the plate, with some mashed potatoes beside it.
  2. Put the turkey on top.
  3. Add some gravy on top of everything.
  4. Put another piece of bread on the top. (Unless you want an open-faced sandwich.)
  5. Slather more gravy on that.
  6. Drink a shot of gravy.

Don’t forget to eat your vegetables so it’s a healthy meal. This is a quick week night dinner that tastes like it cooked all day.

Things I might try next time…

  • Toast the Texas Toast, or grill it up like grilled cheese or a patty melt?
  • Bacon pieces in the gravy.
  • Bacon on the sandwich.

Have any suggestions, tips, tricks, or secrets?

If you were a lunch lady in the 80’s and know how to make/where to get that greenish-yellow glow-in-the-dark colored school cafeteria gravy, hit me up in the comments! I am super nostalgic for that,

Tyson Foods, Inc. & Willie Barber FTW.

Posted on by Standard 4

Yesterday, I got two surprises in our mailbox… One being that half of it was our neighbor’s mail, and the other being the promised letter & coupons from Mrs. Barber at Tyson  Foods!  OK, the mail mix-up wasn’t that big of a surprise… that happens at least 4 times a week.  It’s always good to get mail that’s not bills or junk mail though, and this made my day…

Tyson Foods - LetterSeems a little stiff compared to my earlier exchanges, but form letters are a necessary evil with a company as large as Tyson I guess.

Also enclosed were five  coupons for free Tyson Foods items!  Two coupons for one free bag of Tyson Frozen Breaded Product or Any’tizers Product, one for any one package of Tyson Individually Frozen Chicken Product, one for any one package of Tyson Wright Brand, and one for any one package of Wright Brand Product… which makes some awesome bacon.

Tyson coupons

This is much much more than I expected, or could have hoped for!  Really, it all started out as goofing around, not a complaint by any means.  It’s certainly better than the paltry pile of coupons that I received from Pillsbury when asking about funding further “how many pizza rolls can really fit in the microwave at once” research.  I let the ball drop on that one… perhaps I better write to them and ask again, using Tyson and Taco Bell as references of good coupon giving.

I’ll have to write back to Willie to say thanks.  This really was quite generous, and will certainly help in stretching the food budget in the coming weeks!

It’s a Southern thing, just ask Willie.

Posted on by Standard 1

Tyson Foods | Ask Willie

Tyson Foods | Ask Willie

So, my apologies to Mrs. Barber, apparently Willie is also a girl’s name down south.  Ha ha.  You guys need to read my letter to Tyson about the soggy not smelly tiger-tender, and you’ll know what this is all about.  Here’s some follow-up…

from    ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
to    “Barber, Willie” <Willie.Barber@tyson.com>
date    Sat, Oct 2, 2010
subject    Re: Tyson Honey Battered Breast Tenders
mailed-by    gmail.com

Buenos Dias Mr. Barber!

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my missive.  I’m glad that it entertained and proved interesting!  The information from your Food Safety & Quality Assurance Manager is enlightening.  I guess if I had thought about it, I may have arrived to the same conclusion… as my wife did.  Perhaps she should look into Quality Assurance as a career?

Sadly there was no golden ticket type prize for the tiger-tender, but certainly some complimentary coupons would brighten my day.  Your thoughtfulness is greatly appreciated!  My address is:

ERiC AiXelsyD
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Pittsburgh, PA  XXXXX

I still need to look into sending Duquesne Light a bill for my prematurely perished perishables, perhaps cluing them in to your generosity will tip the scales in my favor?  Maybe I should send them the tiger-tender and see if they like soggy formerly-frozen foodstuffs in their freezers.

I’m flattered that you had previously read my ramblings on the web, and honored that you remembered my name!  Now I’m curious as to how I came to be on your radar.  I tend to be goofy at times, and serious at others.  Life’s all about balance… why not enjoy the balance when it swings to the absurd?  Your kind of reply is my favorite.  You may not be surprised ad how many of these types of emails fail in providing a response.  Some people are apparently just too uptight!

I enjoy many of your fine products, and now will even more… and I’ll recommend more to my friends & family!

A good day to you sir,
-ERiC AiXeLsyD

PS – Think there’s any headway at all to be made with Arby’s & the distribution of their Bronco Berry Sauce?

And, she wrote back…

from    Barber, Willie <Willie.Barber@tyson.com>
to    ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
date    Mon, Oct 4, 2010
subject    RE: Tyson Honey Battered Breast Tenders
mailed-by    tyson.com

Happy Monday Morning!

As I recall, I chanced upon your name/blog while researching one of our customers—maybe McDonald’s, Burger King, or Subway?   Thanks for the address–the coupons will be mailed tomorrow.

By the way, I am a Mrs. not a Mr.  It’s a Southern thing!  AskWillie

Willie Barber

So, she’s read one of my various diatribes on Subway or my disdain for a nearby McDonald’s.  Quite amusing!  I don’t think I’ve messed with Buger King for a long time.

It is sad that she hasn’t addressed the Bronco Berry sauce issue, but I’m sure she can’t or won’t for corporate reasons.

I wrote back once more:

from    ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
to    “Barber, Willie” <Willie.Barber@tyson.com>
date    Mon, Oct 4, 2010
subject    Re: Tyson Honey Battered Breast Tenders
mailed-by    gmail.com

My Apologies, Mrs. Barber(!),

I guess I should have done my own research!  Ha ha.

I have certainly blogged extensively about a local McDonald’s who is as slovenly as they are slothful, and another who is run exceptionally well and always seems to be clean, efficient, and orderly.  Plus, McDonald’s is just so fun to poke.

I also have an ongoing thing with Subway about their seafood subs and cross-contamination.  I have a severe shellfish allergy, and find them quite irresponsible as far as posting warnings, using the same knife to cut all their subs, and in replying to their customers.  Perhaps you ought to go over there and teach them how to run things!  They never did answer my question about having an in-house subway instead of a cafeteria or kitchen in their corporate offices.  No sense of humor or customer satisfaction, there!

Thanks again for the coupons, my wife & I both appreciate the gesture!

Tyson’s Newest #1 Fan,
-ERiC

…and no reply as of yet, not that I really need one in this instance.  This was just some shameless plugging.  I’m just waiting for my awesome coupons.

Also… if you follow the Ask Willie link, is that the coolest job description, or what?

Hungry for Knowledge as well as Chicken Tenders…

Posted on by Standard 6

So, not long ago, we got some of those bagged Tyson breast tenders. They’re a nice quick meal, and generally consistently good quality.  Although, in talking with Dave who serves them quite regularly, he seems to not find any of the “odd” ones that I mention below.  Do you get odd ones?  I’d like to open up discussion.

I opened an amusing dialog with Tyson, and here’s how it’s panned out so far:

Peace, Poultry Potentates!

Recently, my wife brought home a bag of your delicious Honey Battered Breast Tenders.  I must say that they are the perfect dinner solution when we are pressed for time or just plain don’t feel like cooking.  I generally over-indulge because the breading/batter is so delicious when cooked in the oven, and I thoroughly enjoy dipping things… whether it be in Honey Mustard, Honey BBQ, just plain ketchup, A1, or a nugget-dipping sauce pilfered (I mean “left over”) from one of the many fast food chains.

On a side note… I really wish Arby’s would bottle & sell their Bronco Berry Sauce®.  Perhaps you can talk to them about that?  It’s EXCELLENT on chicken nuggets or tenders.  Maybe you’d have better luck with McDonald’s getting their nugget sauces in stores?  Didn’t you guys provide them with the not-quite-Chick-fil-A sandwich?

Too many tangents, my friends.  My mind wanders.  Well, not so much wanders as jumping randomly from thought to seemingly unconnected thought.  I assure you though… I do have a point in writing to you today.

I would like to see if I have won some sort of prize, or made some sort of amazing discovery.  Upon opening the most recently purchased bag of Honey Battered Breast Tenders [Mfg. Code 2390CNQ0610] to place on a baking sheet (covered in foil because I hate to clean up), out came this wild tiger-striped breast tender.  If this were an email, I would simply attach my photos, but it’s not, and I can’t… so I will provide you with a link to the photographic evidence on Photobucket:

http://i127.photobucket.com/albums/p139/worldandlunardomination/creepy%20tyson%20chicken%20thing/Tiger-StripedNuggetThing1640w.jpg

http://i127.photobucket.com/albums/p139/worldandlunardomination/creepy%20tyson%20chicken%20thing/Tiger-StripedNuggetThing2640w.jpg

These photos were taken of the tender just as it was after being pulled out of the bag, I did not cook this tender.

You can see that one side of the tender is more striped than the other.  Surely, I have made an amazing discovery.  Is this like Charlie Bucket’s golden ticket in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?  Do I get a free tour of your facility now?  That would be quite exciting.  Quite exciting indeed!  I must confess that I don’t typically stay up on current poultry-related events, so I haven’t seen anything about the contest.  I was unaware on how to proceed, so I figured that I would reach out to you.

I found this “deviant” to be exceptional.  Generally, there’s the accepted and expected amount of 2 or 3 “off” breast tenders to a pack.  This isn’t the usual overcooked/brown one, a non-fully coated one, the mysterious black spot one, or the “Siamese twin” one(s?).  (I saw these machines on the Food Network or History Channel one time… where this laser shot odd-colored potato chips out of the line.  Perhaps you ought to look into borrowing one over a weekend to see if it works out on your line?)

I immediately placed the chicken tender with war paint into a plastic freezer-bag and placed it back in the freezer.  I can certainly send it to you upon request, although I’m not sure where to obtain dry ice for safe shipping.

Also, there was a ridiculously short yet violent storm in the area last week that knocked out our power for two days.  Most everything else in the freezer and refrigerator ended up in our trash cans because our power company doesn’t understand the importance of a solid infrastructure quite like it should.  (Our power has gone out for more than 24 hours on three separate occasions this year alone.)

I kept the tiger-tender, and did open the Ziploc® bag to take a whiff.  It’s definitely not rancid, but it did get to a point where it was more soggy than frozen.  I have considered sending a bill for my wasted food (including about 1/2 the bag of Tyson Honey Battered Breast Tenders) to Duquesne Light, but am unsure of the legality.

Well, my de-feathered friends, I thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon regarding this rare specimen.  I wait with hardly contained excitement, much to my wife’s dismay.  For some strange reason, she thinks that the zebra-tender is just a fluke, and not a prize winning game-piece, or as I had suggested one night while sitting in the dark… Perhaps it’s a new top secret flavor, unveiled in a covert manner to the masses.  Help me prove that I’m right!

Hungry for Knowledge as well as Chicken Tenders,
-ERiC AiXeLsyD

And, the photos…

Tiger-Striped Nugget Thing 1Tiger-Striped Nugget Thing 2

I submitted it via webform, and didn’t get any immediate responses… so of course, I Googled some “@tyson.com” email addresses until I came up with a few. Luckily, it worked!

from Barber, Willie <Willie.Barber@tyson.com>
to ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
date Fri, Oct 1, 2010 at 6:13 PM
subject Tyson Honey Battered Breast Tenders
mailed-by tyson.com

Hello, ERiC AiXeLsyD:

Thank you for a very entertaining and interesting message!  The pictures were very helpful.

The Food Safety & Quality Assurance Manager at the processing plant reviewed the picture of the “tiger tender”  and its compadre.   She related that the stripes are overcooked batter in crevices caused by the wire conveyor belt.  Sometimes when the batter is too thin, the wire belt will make “ridges” on the tenders.  Because the batter is thin, it cooked up darker compared to the rest of the batter on the tender.  The sugar in the honey also adds to a darker color profile. She also related that the other picture looked like there wasn’t enough batter or it popped off during freezing or packing.

So, it appears that the tiger tender and the rare specimen are simply suffering from the lack of batter–nothing interesting or covert!   Send me your postal address and I will send some complimentary coupons to help your Hunger for Chicken Tenders.

Best regards,

Willie D. Barber
Manager, Consumer Relations

PS  Some time ago while researching on the web, I happened to visit your blog and became intrigued with your name.   Surprisingly, I recognized it when your message was forwarded to me.  You are certainly a multi-talented person!

Couldn’t have asked for a better response. Ha ha ha. Not only did they write back, but they took it seriously, and it looks like I may get some free stuff or at least a coupon!  Bonus points for the use of the word compadre, even if there was no mention of McDonald’s and/or Arby’s.

Also… the PS?  I’m famous? Ha ha ha. I wonder where/how Mr. Barber previously came across my ramblings?  I didn’t think that many people read this thing.

Oh well, now I need to write back… but I’d still like to know about the odd ones.  Be it chicken tenders, pizza rolls, any frozen food… isn’t there generally always an odd one or two?

Peace, Poultry Potentates!

Recently, my wife brought home a bag of your delicious Honey Battered Breast Tenders.  I must say that they are the perfect dinner solution when we are pressed for time or just plain don't feel like cooking.  I generally over-indulge because the breading/batter is so delicious when cooked in the oven, and I thoroughly enjoy dipping things... whether it be in Honey Mustard, Honey BBQ, just plain ketchup, A1, or a nugget-dipping sauce pilfered (I mean "left over") from one of the many fast food chains.  

On a side note... I really wish Arby's would bottle & sell their Bronco Berry Sauce®.  Perhaps you can talk to them about that?  It's EXCELLENT on chicken nuggets or tenders.  Maybe you'd have better luck with McDonald's getting their nugget sauces in stores?  Didn't you guys provide them with the not-quite-Chick-fil-A sandwich?

Too many tangents, my friends.  My mind wanders.  Well, not so much wanders as jumping randomly from thought to seemingly unconnected thought.  I assure you though... I do have a point in writing to you today.

I would like to see if I have won some sort of prize, or made some sort of amazing discovery.  Upon opening the most recently purchased bag of Honey Battered Breast Tenders [Mfg. Code 2390CNQ0610] to place on a baking sheet (covered in foil because I hate to clean up), out came this wild tiger-striped breast tender.  If this were an email, I would simply attach my photos, but it's not, and I can't... so I will provide you with a link to the photographic evidence on Photobucket:





These photos were taken of the tender just as it was after being pulled out of the bag, I did not cook this tender.

You can see that one side of the tender is more striped than the other.  Surely, I have made an amazing discovery.  Is this like Charlie Bucket's golden ticket in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?  Do I get a free tour of your facility now?  That would be quite exciting.  Quite exciting indeed!  I must confess that I don't typically stay up on current poultry-related events, so I haven't seen anything about the contest.  I was unaware on how to proceed, so I figured that I would reach out to you.

I found this "deviant" to be exceptional.  Generally, there's the accepted and expected amount of 2 or 3 "off" breast tenders to a pack.  This isn't the usual overcooked/brown one, a non-fully coated one, the mysterious black spot one, or the "Siamese twin" one(s?).  (I saw these machines on the Food Network or History Channel one time... where this laser shot odd-colored potato chips out of the line.  Perhaps you ought to look into borrowing one over a weekend to see if it works out on your line?)

I immediately placed the chicken tender with war paint into a plastic freezer-bag and placed it back in the freezer.  I can certainly send it to you upon request, although I'm not sure where to obtain dry ice for safe shipping.

Also, there was a ridiculously short yet violent storm in the area last week that knocked out our power for two days.  Most everything else in the freezer and refrigerator ended up in our trash cans because our power company doesn't understand the importance of a solid infrastructure quite like it should.  (Our power has gone out for more than 24 hours on three separate occasions this year alone.)  

I kept the tiger-tender, and did open the Ziploc® bag to take a whiff.  It's definitely not rancid, but it did get to a point where it was more soggy than frozen.  I have considered sending a bill for my wasted food (including about 1/2 the bag of Tyson Honey Battered Breast Tenders) to Duquesne Light, buy am unsure of the legality.

Well, my de-feathered friends, I thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon regarding this rare specimen.  I wait with hardly contained excitement, much to my wife's dismay.  For some strange reason, she thinks that the zebra-tender is just a fluke, and not a prize winning game-piece, or as I had suggested one night while sitting in the dark... Perhaps it's a new top secret flavor, unveiled in a covert manner to the masses.  Help me prove that I'm right!

Hungry for Knowledge as well as Chicken Tenders,
-ERiC AiXeLsyD