Tag Archives: grinder

Italian …Subwich? Submursible?

Posted on by Standard Reply

This is becoming a trend. I want to make a sandwich and don’t have the appropriate bread or bun. Thankfully, this lack of planning for a meatball sub brought forth the almighty Meatball Club (the Meatball Melt isn’t bad either). This was not a bad alternative, if I do say so myself.

Did you get yourself a The Meatball Club T-shirt yet? Maybe I should trademark that.

I made some of my grilled chicken noodle soup that we had with a salad for dinner last night. I had some leftovers for lunch today and wanted a lil’ sandwich to go with it. Not much beats a local mom n’ pop pizza shop Italian Sub. I had some almost sort of close enough ingredients in the house, so I crafted my own.

In my humble opinion, the key to a great local sub shop Italian Sub is the toasting. The second key is to call it a sub and not a hoagie, grinder, hero or whatever other word yinz have for it. Maybe this would be less a Subwich and more a Submersible?

I didn’t have a sub roll, but I did have the super cheap hamburger buns. That worked, because it was lunch time and I didn’t need a foot long sandwich anyway.

A grilled Italian Sub sandwich made on a toasted burger bun, sitting atop a white plate, featuring melted cheese and ridiculous meats.
The Italian …Subwich?

Here’s what I did…

I preheated the oven to 400° and gathered all my stuff.

I melted some butter & EVOO with garlic powder, onion powder, & Italian seasoning in the microwave in a microwave safe bowl.

I spread the butter on the insides of the bun, sprinkled on a tiny bit of shake cheese, and toasted it inside up in the oven for 5 minutes on a sheet pan.

I took it out and poured some Sweet Italian Dressing on the inside of both buns.

I stacked the cold cuts, cheese, & veggies like this from the bottom up on the bottom bun: Turkey, hard salami, provolone cheese, ham, hard salami, jarred roasted red peppers, sliced black olives, shredded Parmesan from a tub,

I put a slice of provolone on the inside of the top bun.

I put it back in the oven for 6 minutes.

I took it out & assembled the sandwich.

I brushed a little more melted butter/spices on the top, and put it back in… this time on convection at 350° for two minutes because why not?

I bought it out and it definitely gave me mom n’ pop pizza shop vibes. Those slightly burnt edges make it kick.

My wife likes the Roasted Red Pepper Italian dressing & some mayo on hers. If you’re going to comment that you don’t like back olives, can’t eat roasted red peppers, or would add onions, lettuce, & tomato… I’ll lift the weight off of your shoulders and ask how you’d make this yours?

If you are here to say bread, meat, or cheese are not for you and/or ask what you can substitute, I’ll say “Bean Soup” to you.

I asked Gemini to pull out an ingredient list, and it did this whole ass thing, so I’ll paste it all below for the “jump to the recipe” crowd. It’s funny how it says to slice the bun like this isn’t the ~$1 pack of 8 from Aldi. It does know what “shake cheese” is though. Do other people call it that, or just me? It adds some wild stuff all inferred from my text above.

Ingredients

This is for one sandwich, but is easily scalable for a crowd!

The Butter Brush & Dressing

  • 1 Sub Bun (or your favorite hoagie roll)
  • 2 Tbsp Butter (unsalted or salted)
  • 1 Tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil (EVOO)
  • 1/2 tsp Garlic Powder
  • 1/2 tsp Onion Powder
  • 1/2 tsp Italian Seasoning
  • 2-3 Tbsp Sweet Italian Dressing (or another vinaigrette of your choice)
  • 1-2 tsp “Shake Cheese” (the grated Parmesan from a container)

The Filling

  • 2 Slices Provolone Cheese
  • 3-4 Slices Turkey (deli slices)
  • 3-4 Slices Ham (deli slices)
  • 6-8 Slices Hard Salami (layered)
  • 2 Tbsp Jarred Roasted Red Peppers (drained)
  • 1 Tbsp Sliced Black Olives
  • 1-2 Tbsp Shredded Parmesan (from a tub, for texture)

Wife’s Variation (Optional)

  • Roasted Red Pepper Italian Dressing
  • Mayonnaise

Instructions

1. Preheat and Prep the Butter

  • Preheat your oven to 400°F.
  • In a microwave-safe bowl, melt the butter and EVOO together.
  • Stir in the garlic powder, onion powder, and Italian seasoning. Set aside.

2. Toast the Bun

  • Slice your bun open and lay both halves on a sheet pan, inside-up.
  • Brush a generous layer of the seasoned butter mix onto the insides of both buns.
  • Sprinkle the insides with a tiny bit of the “shake cheese”.
  • Toast the buns in the oven for 5 minutes, or until the edges are just starting to brown.

3. Build the Base

  • Remove the buns from the oven.
  • Pour a drizzle of the Sweet Italian Dressing onto the inside of both buns—don’t saturate it, just a light coat.
  • On the bottom bun, stack the cold cuts, cheese, and veggies in this order:
    • Turkey
    • Hard Salami
    • One Slice of Provolone Cheese
    • Ham
    • Hard Salami
    • Jarred Roasted Red Peppers
    • Sliced Black Olives
    • Shredded Parmesan
  • Place the second slice of provolone cheese directly on the inside of the top bun (it will act as a shield and melt beautifully).

4. Melt and Warm

  • Put both halves of the sandwich (still separate) back in the oven for 6 minutes, or until the cheese is melted and bubbling.
  • Carefully remove the sheet pan and assemble the sandwich by placing the top bun onto the bottom.

5. The Final Kick

Take it out, slice it, and enjoy!

Brush a little more of the remaining melted butter/spices right onto the top crust of the sandwich.

(Optional, but highly recommended) Turn the oven to Convection at 350°F and pop the sandwich back in for 2 minutes. This gives you those amazing, slightly crispy, burnt edges that make the sandwich sing.

Oh yeah, did you see the soup?

…And what should I call this?

While we’re at it, which local pizza shop or deli makes your favorite Italian Sub? More than one answer is OK!

A Message To You, Rudy’s

Posted on by Standard Reply

OK, this isn’t about the Specials’ song. This is about a local sub chain. Or maybe it’s not a chain. I have no idea. My world is upside down. Well, OK, not really. But my interest is piqued. (It’s like the Vincent’s Pizza saga.)

I grew up frequenting two Rudy’s locations… the one in Monroeville, and the one in Holiday Park. Two of my aunts worked at the one in Holiday Park. I took taekwondo lessons a few doors down in the 80s. We’d frequent the one in Monroeville if we were out by where my dad worked. I had always assumed the one in Monroeville was the original, and the others just came later.

Rudy's Subs Collage
Rudy’s Subs Collage

There were ones in Penn Hills & McMuarry for a bit that I dined at, too. They all seemed very similar. Threads taught me today that there was one in Braddock Hills that I never knew about. Are there any others that I’m missing?

Rudy’s Subs in Monroeville seems to have the best website, as rudyssubsmonroeville.com redirects to https://rudyssubsmonroeville.getbento.com/. It does not mention any other locations. It seems like the Holiday Park one is open & has a Facebook Page… but no website of its own.

Then, I also just learned about the Rudy’s in Swissvale. Bruh seems adamant that he is the original Rudy making subs around here. Is it connected to all the other similarly logo-ed Rudy’s? The name is listed differently on a few sites, but it looks like it may officially be Rudy Martino’s Original House of Submarines. Again, no real website, but they are on Google.

When I think of subs in Swissvale, I think of the Triangle. My dad used to bring home a Battleship for supper occasionally. Also, Uncle Sam’s & Peppi’s top the list for a great sandwich… And Carhop’s. They had a few locations and are back to one, too. I’m getting sidetracked here, though.

Does anyone know the Rudy’s story? Is there animosity between the Holiday Park & Monroeville locations? What happened to all the other ones? Is either connected to the Rudy’s in Swissvale.

Am I going to have to write some emails and Facebook messages to do some sleuthing? I did ask Gemini, Perplexity, & ChatGPT… but their answers are dubious.

So, spill it if you know what’s up! Drop your favorite Rudy’s locations & orders (or other favorite sub shops) in the comments! I always liked the Rudy’s cheeseburger sub, cheesesteak, and the Italian. I’d get breaded mushrooms from the one in Holiday Park a lot, too.

Biscuit Dough Pretzel …Blobs?

Posted on by Standard 5

The algorithm wanted me to try the canned biscuit dough pretzel bites. It kept coming up. I kept clicking. I posted about it on social media asking questions. I looked at recipes online. They all had different methods! Are these people even trying their own recipes? They’re wildly different.

As far as my pretzel tastes: I like Auntie Anne’s the best, SuperPretzel is the gold standard, and Philly Pretzel Factory is passable.

A table laying out the different methods of prepping pretzel bites with egg wash, butter, boiling in baking soda, or just a baking soda bath.
Crazy Biscuit Dough Pretzel Blob Table

I decided to try some different methods, & bounce it off of AI to get a cooking time/temp. I put the following into Gemini, ChatGPT, & Perplexity:

Hello.  I have seen many recipes for pretzel bites made from pre-made canned biscuit dough online.  There are so many variations, I was wondering if you could recommend one singular method as to time and temperature.  I would like to bake them in the oven.  My oven has traditional, convection, and air fry settings.  Can you suggest a time, temperature, and setting?

Also, I am having trouble deciding if boiling in baking soda water, or just coating in baking soda water is the way to go.  Also, what is the best ratio of water to baking soda?

And, I hear egg wash and just a melted butter wash are good ways to coat them before baking.  Would you use the whole egg, or just the whites or yolks?  Can you do both?

I am tempted to bake pretzels in 4 quadrants, one quarter each of them in the following combos;

  • Boiled in baking soda water / Egg wash.
  • Boiled in baking soda water / Melted butter.
  • Coated in baking soda water / Egg wash
  • Coated in baking soda water / Melted butter

Do you think that would solve most of my questions?  Can you put together the baking time & temp, and baking soda solution measurements and boiling or coating times?

Here’s what they said:

Here's a breakdown of how to make delicious pretzel bites from biscuit dough: 1. Baking Soda Solution: Water: 8 cups Baking Soda: 1/2 cup 2. Boiling vs. Coating: Boiling: Bring the baking soda solution to a rolling boil in a large pot. Carefully drop in a few pretzel bites at a time for 30 seconds. Use a slotted spoon to remove them and place them on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Coating: In a shallow dish, combine the baking soda and water. Dip each pretzel bite into the solution to coat completely. Let excess drip off before placing them on the prepared baking sheet. 3. Egg Wash vs. Butter Wash: Egg Wash: Whisk together 1 large egg with 1 tablespoon of water. Brush generously over the pretzel bites. Butter Wash: Melt 2 tablespoons of butter. Brush evenly over the pretzel bites. 4. Baking: Oven Setting: Convection Bake is generally recommended for even cooking. Temperature: 400°F (200°C) Time: 10-12 minutes, or until golden brown. 5. Your 4-Quadrant Experiment: Your idea of baking four batches with different combinations is a fantastic way to compare and find your favorite! Here's a summary: Quadrant 1: Boiled in baking soda water + Egg wash Quadrant 2: Boiled in baking soda water + Melted butter Quadrant 3: Coated in baking soda water + Egg wash Quadrant 4: Coated in baking soda water + Melted butter Tips & Considerations: Biscuit Dough: Use your favorite brand or make your own! Shape: You can shape the biscuit dough into balls, twists, or any other desired shape. Salt: Sprinkle with coarse salt immediately after brushing with the egg or butter wash. Cooling: Let the pretzel bites cool on a wire rack before serving. Enjoy your homemade pretzel bites! I hope this comprehensive guide helps you create the perfect batch. Let me know if you have any other questions.
Gemini’s Answer
You’ve got a great experiment in mind! Let’s break this down and get you set up for pretzel bite perfection. Here's a streamlined approach to your method and testing: Baking Instructions Preheat oven: Convection setting: 400°F (best for even browning and crispiness). Traditional oven: 425°F (slightly higher temp compensates for lack of air circulation). Baking time: 8–12 minutes. Start checking at 8 minutes. Pretzel bites should be golden brown and puffed. Baking Soda Water Solution Ratio: 4 cups water to 1/4 cup baking soda. This concentration gives the pretzel flavor and helps create a chewy, golden crust. Method: Boiling: Bring the solution to a boil. Boil the dough pieces for 20–30 seconds per batch, flipping halfway. Drain on a wire rack before coating. Coating: Dip the dough pieces in the baking soda solution for about 15–20 seconds, then place them directly on the baking sheet. Washes Egg wash: Use one whole egg, whisked with 1 teaspoon of water for a shiny and slightly firmer crust. (Egg whites alone will give more shine but less flavor; yolks alone will create a deeper color but softer finish.) Melted butter: Brush after baking for a rich, soft finish. Optionally, sprinkle with coarse salt immediately after brushing. Your Experiment: Quadrant Plan Here’s how to organize the quadrants: Pretreatment Wash Notes Boiled Egg wash Classic shiny pretzel crust. Boiled Butter Rich, soft crust with chew. Coated Egg wash Less chewy but still glossy. Coated Butter Softest, richest option. Steps for Your Test Divide the biscuit dough into even pieces (about 1 inch each). Prepare the baking soda solution. Treat the dough using your boiling and coating methods. Place the treated dough pieces on a parchment-lined baking sheet. Apply your chosen washes to the corresponding groups. Bake on convection at 400°F for 8–12 minutes. Post-Bake Notes Once baked, taste-test the results. The differences in texture, shine, and flavor between the methods should help you decide your favorite! Let me know how the experiment goes—I’d love to hear about your results!
GhatGPT’s Answer
Answer I'll help you navigate the best method for making biscuit pretzel bites based on the search results. Recommended Baking Method Temperature: 425°F Setting: Traditional oven setting Baking Time: 8-15 minutes (until deep golden brown) Baking Soda Solution The most consistent recommendation is to fully boil the biscuit pieces in a baking soda bath, not just coat them. The recommended ratio is: 4 cups water 1/4 to 1/2 cup baking soda Boiling Process Bring water to a boil Dissolve baking soda completely Boil biscuit pieces for 15-20 seconds Use a slotted spoon to remove pieces Coating Options For the best results, I recommend using an egg wash. Here's why: Egg wash provides a more golden, glossy finish You can use the whole beaten egg Alternatively, you can use melted butter Experimental Approach Your idea of baking four quadrants with different methods is excellent. This will help you determine the best technique. Here's a structured approach: Quadrant Baking Soda Treatment Coating Expected Result 1 Boiled Egg wash Likely best traditional pretzel texture 2 Boiled Melted butter Softer, more buttery finish 3 Coated Egg wash Less authentic pretzel texture 4 Coated Melted butter Least pretzel-like Pro Tips Cut each biscuit into 4-9 pieces Sprinkle with coarse salt immediately after coating Serve immediately for best taste and texture
Perplexity’s Answer

I’ll try to link to the full answers here too, as I did keep all 3 conversations going for a bit with different queries.

They looked OK for the most part. I had two cans of pre-made biscuit dough, both were Pillsbury Grands Southern Homestyle. One was Butter Tastin’, one was Buttermilk. Butter Tastin’ was tray 1, Buttermilk was tray 2. I tried all the things. Baked at 425° for 8 minutes. The boiled ones puffed up a bit, I only let them go for 15 seconds using Alexa as my timer, as I read that boiling too long in the baking soda can give you a metallic taste. The baking soda bath was in warm water… I only left them in for as long as it took me to boil the other ones. I did forget to put salt on until halfway through cooking. I used the coarse salt grinder.

A photo of 64 pretzel bites made form pre-made biscuit dough across two trays (& parchment paper) & a few cooking methods.
Pre-Made Biscuit Dough Pretzel Blobs by AiXeLsyD13

I broke each quadrant down & gave it a letter, & a really short summary…

8 pretzel bites on a plate, labeled A through H.
Absolute 🥨 Shenanigans
  • A | Butter Tastin’ / Boiled in Baking Soda / Egg Wash – Most pretzel-like texture. Needed baked a bit more.
  • B | Butter Tastin’ / Boiled in Baking Soda / Butter Wash – Seemed like crunchy biscuits.
  • C | Butter Tastin’ / Baking Soda Bath / Egg Wash – Tasted burnt-ish.
  • D | Butter Tastin’ / Baking Soda Bath / Butter Wash – Straight up biscuit.
  • E | Buttermilk / Boiled in Baking Soda / Egg Wash – The outside was very pretzely.
  • F | Buttermilk / Boiled in Baking Soda / Butter Wash – Close to a pretzel. -ish.
  • G | Buttermilk / Baking Soda Bath / Egg Wash – Good… but crunchy. Maybe baked less time?
  • H | Buttermilk / Baking Soda Bath / Butter Wash – Very biscuit-like.

So, that was a thing. Definitely going boiled, & egg wash next time. May seek out some coarse salt or pretzel salt. I may try it at 400° on the convection setting for 8 minutes, or a little longer on the regular setting at 425°. Also, may try cooking on a baking rack & cooling on a cooling rack. I may go got more traditional biscuit dough too, instead of what I had. At the end of the day, these all tasted great dipped in some Herlocher’s. I just wish I had some beer left, but I used my last can of Straub Amber making BBQ pulled pork sandwiches (and rocking out) today. Also, gotta try some with cheese in the middle, right?

Also, I know they’re not perfect yet, but these AI chat bots can REALLY help consolidate / create recipes pulled from so many online sources. It seems like you can search for 5 recipes, & get 7 different cooking times & temperatures at the very least. Then, like my stuff, if there’s no “Jump to Recipe” button, you gotta use Cooked.Wiki, JustTheRecipe.com, or Just The Recipe. As of now, the AI bots are not riddled with advertising and paid ad placement/rankings. They all have their strengths & weaknesses.

Here’s where you hit me up in the comments and/or on social media with your tried-and-true pretzel & pretzel bite methods. I’m not really all that super interested in making dough, so that’s why the canned dough piqued my interest. And, have you used AI prompts for cooking or anything else interesting lately?

The Meatball Club

Posted on by Standard 4

So, yesterday I made spaghetti with homemade meatballs. Today, I wanted a meatball sub. I was thinking I still had some good buns from New Year’s day. They were not good. I had already melted the butter. The store-brand white bread was calling to me. A sandwich? No, a club.., Something worthy of shenanigans.

The Meatball Club: A double-decker meatball sandwich on toasted white bread, teeming with tasty sauce & melted Gruyere and Swiss cheese.
Behold: The Meatball Club
The Meatball Club: A double-decker meatball sandwich on toasted white bread, teeming with tasty sauce & melted Gruyere and Swiss cheese. (Slightly more from the top.)
Look at that toasty goodness.
The Meatball Club: A double-decker meatball sandwich on toasted white bread, teeming with tasty sauce & melted Gruyere and Swiss cheese. (Cut open diagonally.)
Open up & say “Mmm!”
The Meatball Club: A double-decker meatball sandwich on toasted white bread, teeming with tasty sauce & melted Gruyere and Swiss cheese. (Cut open diagonally, from the top.)
If you don’t cut it diagonally, you’re doing it wrong.

It seemed to be a hit on various social media platforms, so I thought I’d share the love. If you make one, please, post the photo, tag me (@AiXelsyD13 on just about everything), and let me know how it was!

The Meatballs:

I have shared my meatball ingredient secrets a quadruple of times:

I generally don’t measure, and make them different every time. This time I fried them on medium-high in a large pan on the stove & a tiny bit of EVOO.

The Sauce: 

OK, gonna level with you. I am not Italian. This is going to make some people mad. I use jarred sauce. This was the cheap Aldi stuff. Usually we get that or the Prego Three Cheese. I add brown sugar & Parmesan/Romano shake cheese. Sometimes, I even add shopped garlic, onion powder, or “Italian Seasoning.” This time it was just brown sugar and cheese. I don’t measure. I toss a little in with abandon. I like the sweetness & it cuts the acid.

The Club:

Get your stuff…

  • ¼ stick butter
  • Garlic powder
  • Onion powder
  • Parsley or (Italian Seasoning)
  • 6 or so leftover meatballs.
  • Shredded cheese (I had Gruyere & Swiss, but I would probably go for Mozzarella or Provolone, but the stuff I had was fantastic.)
  • “Shake Cheese” I had the cheap Giant Eagle brand Parmesan/Romano blend.
  • Three pieces of white bread.

Do it…

  1. Pre-heat the oven to 390° on the air fryer setting.
  2. Melt the butter w/ garlic powder, onion powder, & parsley to taste in a microwave save bowl in 30 second intervals, stirring in between until it’s a liquid.
  3. Put the bread on a baking dish, brush on the melted butter after a good stir. (I just did the top sides.)
  4. Air fry for 2 minutes, & it gets almost crispy on top, the bottom was nice and toasted.
  5. While you’re doing that nuke the meatballs & sauce on a microwave safe plate for 2 min. (or longer if needed.)
  6. Pull the toast out. (I cut the meatballs in half with a spoon then scooped them and the sauce on to two of the slices of bread.)
  7. Top the meatballs with the shredded cheese.
  8. Put the “shake cheese” on the 3rd slice of bread.
  9. Put it back in on air fry for for 4 or 5 minutes.
  10. Pull it out, assemble it like a tower of gluttony, then slice it diagonally with a giant serrated bread knife for dramatic effect.
  11. Take a photo to share & make people hungry.

That’s it. It took a little bit of time & prep, but it was worth it.

Notes:

  • If you cook & have your own meatball or sauce recipe, of course do that.
  • Use whatever kind of cheese you want, shredded, or sliced, or whatever.
  • I would guess you can use the oven on 375°-ish on a regular setting for a bit longer times, or a counter top air fryer.
  • You could also probably do all of it in the air fryer from cooking the meatballs to melting the butter if you have the appropriate vessels.
  • If you slice it in rectangles and not triangles, you are a psychopath.

Discussion:

  • If you’re out of sausage or sub buns, or hot dog buns, what are you using? Pita? Tortilla? Soft Pretzel? Dinner Rolls? Bisquick? Crescent roll dough?
  • Please, tell me in the comments how wrong it is to use jarred sauce or add brown sugar.
  • Share with me your meatball secrets.
  • Do you like the powdery shake cheese or the fancy stuff?
  • Do you make a forbidden sandwich? What is it?
  • Is this a Meatball Club, or a Meatball Melt?

This is why I had leftover meatballs:

Subway | Eat Death™

Posted on by Standard 7

I’ve recently renewed my dialog with Subway, sparked by the news of them rolling out a gluten-free menu.  Here’s how it’s going down:

From:

ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, Jan 25, 2011 at 11:16 AM
Subject: Gluten-Free Menu Options in Texas?
To: Paula Gomez <gomez_p@subway.com>, Rob Searfus <R.Searfus@sfaft.org>, Mack Bridenbaker <m.bridenbaker@sfaft.org>, Christine Sumecki <c.sumecki@sfaft.org>, Subway Customer Care Team <asksubway@subway.com>, “B. Pingarron” <b.pingarron@sfaft.org>, “M. Luby” <m.luby@sfaft.org>, “Anna Marie Seeley (Customer Care Representative)” <seeley_a@subway.com>, Kevin Kane <kane_k@subway.com>

Hello Friends at Subway,

I write to you today because we have had a dialogue going in the past about food allergies and cross-contamination that I would like to continue.  I have recently read a few articles online informing the masses that Subway plans to roll-out some gluten-free menu options in the Dallas & Tyler Texas markets soon.  If you would like to read the articles in question, here are some links:

While I would like to be able to applaud this effort, I also find it quite frustrating.

I am quite proud of Subway as an organization when I read such responsible things like “The baked goods will arrive pre-packaged and individually wrapped. Employees will be educated on how to cut the bread using a pre-wrapped knife to avoid cross contamination.”  I mean, really… this is a novel idea and a stellar effort as well as great news for Celiac afflicted potential Subway customers.  Certainly lines like “Also, to further avoid cross-contamination, that same Sandwich Artist will prepare the order from beginning to end, ensuring a 100-percent gluten-free meal” offer a level of comfort to those who must dine gluten-free.  While other restaurants have offered gluten-free menus, you seem to understand that a knife that cuts a regular bun cannot also cut the bun of a gluten-free selection.  This would, I imagine, be quite a worry for a wheat-allergic or Celiac person.  I can imagine this scenario quite well, actually.  You may remember my past missives expressing my allergy to shellfish (and more specifically to your “seafood” sub offering).

This is where my frustration sets in.  I have written to you on multiple occasions expressing the frustration for not only my shellfish allergy, but all of the “top 8”; Milk, Eggs, Peanuts, Tree Nuts, Fish, Shellfish, Soy, & Wheat.  Why have you picked this opportunity to only concentrate on the wheat?  There are others too… I know of people with tomato and pepper allergies that would be thrown into the same anaphylactic shock that I would given I were to take a bite of unknowingly deathfish-laiden lunchmeat.  While you seem to understand the importance of a gluten-free knife… what about a cheese-free, tomato-free, and shellfish-free knife?  Perhaps you have forgotten my previous letter with a few colorful illustrations of the contaminated knife issue.  I will repost here for your convenience:

Then we have the community knife.  If one were to cut someone’s seafood sub with that knife, wipe it off, then cut my sub, there are STILL allergens on that knife, enough allergens to kill me.  Do you want me to be thrown in to an Anaphylactic fit?  I doubt it.  Well, at least, I hope not.

Think about this – do you share your toothbrush with everyone in your household?  Would you with everyone in your office?  Would you share it with everyone that you pass on the way to work in the morning or with everyone who’s eating lunch with you at the same place where you’re choosing to dine?

Yes, it sounds gross, but those potential germs that you’re no doubt currently horrified of are the same as the very real allergens that will most certainly throw me into instant death.

If that didn’t do it for you, imagine I put a giant dried dog turd on the sandwich board, cut it in half, wrapped it, wiped off the knife [with a re-used dishrag type cloth], and then cut your sandwich.  By Subway’s current logic, that knife is clean and contamination free.  This is most certainly not a pretty picture to you, my friend.  Is it?

Does any of this ring a bell?

Also, I have received conflicting reports on how such issues are currently handled or have been handled in the past.  One reply states…

The Company policy directs our independent restaurant owners / operators to take all necessary precautions to prevent the possibility of cross contamination. This includes the policy of washing all utensils and containers after each use. Each restaurant is independently owned and operated and is the responsibility of the franchise owner to implement and enforce the policy.

Which seems to conflict with yet another reply…

I have gone ahead and copied our Training Department so that further lessons can be addressed with owners and their employees on proper handling.

And, the latest information according to the QSRWeb.com article is that “Sandwich Artists in those two markets will be trained on how to cut the roll with a pre-wrapped knife for one use only.”  So, have they been trained in allergies in cross-contamination already, or not?  Color me confused, my friends.

I’d feel safer if the seafood concoction wasn’t anywhere near the meat & cheese where it currently sits.  I’d also feel safer if the same knife wasn’t used to cut all of the sandwiches, and the same dishrag-type towel wasn’t used to wipe off the knife in random intervals between sandwich slicing.  I’d feel safer if all the sandwich artists, managers, and owners were trained on allergens, cross-contamination, and the seriousness of anaphylactic shock.  I’d feel safer if all stores contained a first aid kit complete with an epi pen and clear instructions for its use.

Why should the Celiac-afflicted feel safer, but the rest of us with deadly food allergies should not?  I look forward to your response, your insights, and how you plan to move forward regarding all potentially deadly allergens and how they are to be handled in your stores.  Thank you once again for your time, I hope to hear from you soon.

Inquisitively,
-ERiC AiXeLsyD

P.S. – I was wondering, when you work in an office for Subway, do you have an in-office Subway in which the employees receive (or make) their own lunch?  Or, is there a Subway nearby where you get free or discounted food?  Or, are you all too sick of Subway to eat there?

And I got this back…

From: Searfus, Rob <R.Searfus@sfaft.org>
Date: Fri, Jan 28, 2011 at 4:31 PM
Subject: RE: Gluten-Free Menu Options in Texas?
To: ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>

Hello Eric,

My apologies for not replying earlier, I was traveling and in meetings most of the week, (as well as attending to some family business).  But enough of the excuses.

Forgive me for not having more product answers, but I’m simply a field marketing representative out here on the west coast.  I have inquired with our R&D department to try and get the answers to your questions.  No replies yet, but this week has been tough for me to get a hold of anyone on the east coast due to the severe winter storms that they have been having (offices closed for at least a couple of days.)

I’ll follow up by e-mail when I get any answers for you.

Thanks, and BTW, what part of the US to you hail from?

Rob Searfus
Field Marketing Manager
Subway® Franchise World Headquarters
16337 SW Leeding Ln
Tigard, OR 97223
Cell: 503-954-5479
Toll Free: 1-800-888-4848 x 4089
Fax 503-579-6715
e-mail: searfus_r@subway.com

IMPORTANT CONTACT INFORMATION CHANGE:  PLEASE NOTE MY EMAIL ADDRESS HAS CHANGED TO searfus_r@subway.com.  Please update your address book to reflect this change.  We are undergoing a technology transition.  During this transition, you may still receive emails from the “sfaft.org” address.  This is not an error, but please enter my new subway.com email address when sending emails.

So I wrote this…

From: ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, Jan 29, 2011 at 4:17 PM
Subject: Re: Gluten-Free Menu Options in Texas?
To: “Searfus, Rob” <R.Searfus@sfaft.org>

Thank you Rob,

I had actually wondered if anyone would reply.  I had an email chain going before with a Ms. Paula Gomez & Ms. Ana Seely… but they have been short replies and my main questions have gone unsanswered.

I’m in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.  Thanks for your time, I hope to hear from your colleagues soon!

-Eric

But in the mean time, I made some pretty pictures.  I can’t decide which one I like the most.

Which one do you like best?

Pandora’s Lunchbox

Posted on by Standard 2

Heh.  Twitter is fun.  So, you may know that I have my W(aL)D Twitter account, and I use it to be goofy.  I think I re-opened the Subway door here.  Mayhaps this time I’ll get some sort of resolution?

Today, Subway Freshbuzz tweeted the following…

Does anybody else out there try to save half of their $5 Footlong for a 2nd meal, only to be called back by its delicious siren song?

So, I posted this in response…

@subwayfreshbuzz Nope. Not when 1 bite is a potential trip to the E.R. thanks to cross-contamination in the food-prep area.

Tonight, I have this in my Direct Message box…

subwayfreshbuzz Thanks for the feedback. It would be great if you could let us know more about this incident on our cust. service page  http://bit.ly/bhSAn

Well, at least I have someone paying attention!  I sent them a link to my original complaint to Subway, but I’d like to list the whole saga here… in case I need them to refer back to the message trail at some point…

Five. Five dollar. Five dollar… foot up your ass.

• October 28, 2009 • 8 Comments (Edit)

Subway Customer ID: 1918316

• October 29, 2009 • 7 Comments (Edit)

Quiznos writes back before Subway!

• November 12, 2009 • 8 Comments (Edit)

So, we have a response from Subway! – Not really a response, if you ask me…

• November 13, 2009 • 2 Comments (Edit)

The Quiznos Toasty Torpedo™ and the diminutive hand model…

• November 17, 2009 • 3 Comments (Edit)

“You never told me you spoke my language, Doctor Jones.”

• November 18, 2009 • 3 Comments (Edit)

If we’re keeping score, that’s Subway 1 and Quiznos 3½. – No doubt.

• November 20, 2009 • 3 Comments (Edit)

Subway®: “First, allow me to apologize.” – Again, this really wasn’t a nice response, or a response at all…

• November 24, 2009 • 4 Comments (Edit)

Allergies, Alliteration, and Annoyance.
 – I had to take it somewhere else.

• November 25, 2009 • 6 Comments (Edit)

Allergies, Annoyance, Alliteration, & Acceptance

• December 21, 2009 • 1 Comment (Edit)

Quiznos writes back before Subway!

• November 12, 2009 • 8 Comments (Edit)

The Quiznos Toasty Torpedo™ and the diminutive hand model…

Posted on by Standard 3

So, I recently wrote back to Quiznos at the suggestion of Jon on Twitter, and with the editing help of Dave once again. Jon has apparently been following the Subway saga along with a handful of other people… and thought that it may be an appropriate next step. I couldn’t agree more. In fact, I’ve had this thought myself, and if I remember correctly Jon had posted about it previously on Facebook or MySpace or Twitter or some social media site. Memory and my Googling skills fail me in finding that now, though.

I have high hopes on getting a well thought out response or two. I sent the message below to Mr. Jones, the same message to Mr. Bordeaux, and a slightly modified one to a few other email addresses that I managed to dig up. I enjoyed the candid reply from Mr. Jones before, although I was unable to get any further comment from Mr. Bordeaux or his team with whom he was going to share my email.

From: ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, Nov 17, 2009 at 10:07 AM
Subject: The Quiznos Toasty Torpedo™ ads?
To: “Jones, Tony” <TJones2@quiznos.com>

Hello Mr. Jones,

I would like to thank you again for the response to my email last week regarding Subway’s lack of allergy awareness, cheese tessellation, appropriate responses to customer feedback, and poor decisions in general. I understand and have learned first hand that good communication is a key component to the Quiznos way of doing business. I also appreciate your expedited replies, and hope that you can gain something knowing how cavalier your competitor’s attitude is toward genuine customer concerns. I am glad to be a gauge of what you do at Quiznos, and I would like to hope that my feedback is valuable.

In sharing my recent adventures in email with some friends, I have noticed a theme that has come up in suggested queries for your fine establishment… and I must say that I have indeed wondered the same thing myself.

Are you using “little people” models for the toasty torpedoes ads, perhaps children or pygmies? I did get a turkey torpedo a while ago, and I did make a mental note that it seemed to be nothing more than a bread stick made into a sandwich. I thought that the toasty torpedo looked bigger in the ads… but I didn’t quite connect why until recently.

A quick Google image search led me to this photo, perfect for a reference for our purposes…

File?id=dfj6n44r_6fcvsjhd8_b

I’m sure you can also see it now that I’ve pointed it out. I, my friend, cannot un-see it. There is no way that the hand in the above graphic is correctly proportioned to the Toasty TORPEDO™. I’m actually tempted to go get another one in an attempt to re-create this photo to see how accurate it may be. I can guarantee though, that if I did in fact hold a toasty torpedo like that, that it would most certainly fall apart. Mine lasted for about a bite and a half before it fell apart.

In Googling, I found multiple odd references to this ad campaign. Does Quiznos make any official statements to counter these goofy bloggers? I found one guy that thinks it looks like a cigarette ad. One guy seems to have a Freudian problem and these people seem to think that one commercial purposely compares your torpedos to a cup of human excrement. Okay, I have to give them that one. I mean… you did hear of 2 Girls, 1 Cup right? I’d find it and link to it, but some may find that offensive/distasteful and I’m sure you know how to use search engines. These people even seem to come to the same conclusion as I have toward the end of their blog… as well as a commenter on this blog.

I understand that all advertising is not one hundred percent factual, and that things tend to be exaggerated, but I really find this image rather misleading. While I understand that I’m not going to walk into a Quiznos any time soon and find a HAL 9000’s creepy sexually suggestive oven cousin, two gorgeous scantily clad women eating a sub rather suggestively, two naked rednecks in a tub of water over a campfire, a baby with the voice of a grown man, anyone suckling on any wolf teats, or even genetic mutations with Latino accents and tiny guitars floating in the air singing praise of your sandwiches… I feel that you owe some level of honesty to the customer.

While the other ads are easily discernible as attention grabbing goofiness, this one seems rather straight forward at first — yet dishonest upon further inspection.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter as well as the thoughts of any other marketing people or regional managers in the Quiznos family.

If I didn’t feel that I was already taking up too much of your time, I wouldn’t mind getting into a discussion on the violent phallic imagery that the shape and name of these subs not-so-subliminally suggest. I mean, really? Torpedo? Bullet? How many feminists have already written to discuss this? I feel that this topic is a less pressing issue though, to be saved for another day.

Torpedoes away!
-Eric

If you feel the need for a background to any of this, this is where it all started, and how it played out:

That’s my initial message, Subway’s official non-response response, me sending it to Quiznos for comment and getting one, and finally a response from Subway telling me that someone else will respond… which as of yet, has not happened.

…All of which leads us to this posting.

Five. Five dollar. Five dollar… foot up your ass.

Posted on by Standard 13

So last night, I snapped. I have finally seen and heard my fill of Subway commercials.

Granted, there are certainly more annoying ad campaigns out there right now, and there will be in the future. But this snap sparked the ignition of the realization that I used to love Subway, and now I hate it. There’s no one reason, or even a real reason. There’s nothing that a rational person can do to change any of it or for it to make any difference or have any significance.

That’s where World (and Lunar) Domination steps in.  You may have seen my letters to companies on past message boards or blogs… maybe not.  From time to time I get goofy, and take it out on corporate America.  Sometimes the responses are serious, boring, nonexistent, intentionally funny, or unintentionally funny.

I have been encouraged to keep these rants somewhere, hence this WordPress blog.

I submitted the following (with some editing help from my friend Dave) via webform at Subway.com:

Hello Sandwich Art Dealers,

I’d like to start out by saying I find that web submission comment forms are generally a letdown. As the submitter you’re usually sent a ‘form letter’ type of reply that doesn’t address any specific issues, and thanks you for the input. Less often, it’s followed up by a seemingly more caring missive that really doesn’t address anything specific, and sometimes attempts to placate the sender with some coupons, a T-shirt or something to that effect. It’s also generally a letdown, because I can’t cc myself a copy of what I sent, and it’s a 50/50 shot of whether my original comments are to be included in any future correspondence. Then there’s the issue of the dreaded “Your message exceeds XXXX characters” error message. When did someone’s opinion become relegated to a set limit of letters, numbers, and punctuation, my friends?

At any rate, I should move on to the point of my web form submission, as I’m sure you’ll agree by this point. I write to you today to express my general dissatisfaction with the state of Subway as it stands today.

At the top of the list: the inclusion of the seafood sub on your menu. This has plagued me for years. I have a severe shellfish allergy, and will go into anaphylactic shock if any food that I ingest were to come into contact with crab, lobster, shrimp, oyster, etc., or even the same food prep area. I have seen more than a few Subway employees who aren’t exactly sanitary in their sandwich artistry, flinging microscopic bits of crab (or imitation crab) meat all over the adjacent meats, cheeses, vegetables, and cutting board area. The last time I had this discussion with a slovenly employee at the Subway in the Kuhn’s Plaza on Banksville Road in Pittsburgh, PA… as I explained that my sandwich must not touch any shellfish or remnants of shellfish she touched the eternally-damned-to-the-wrong-function ice cream scoop that had been sitting in the red and white pile of mushy death and swung it all around spewing certain doom to the immediate food prep area and all the while exclaiming something to the effect of “Well, that’s OK, no one ever orders this stuff anyway.” I just stared blankly in disbelief as a reply. If she didn’t already know what her sandwich-baggied hands had just touched and distributed the contaminant that I had previously noted was a toxin to my system, then there was no way I was going to be able to impart this wisdom to her. I found myself having to exit on that occasion, to never return to that location.

Are sandwich artists trained in the ways of sanitary work stations, cross contamination, allergens, and general good hygiene? One would hope, but the question has been raised.

How can I complain about Subway if I never eat there, you ask?

— Message 1 of 2 — To be continued

Hilariously enough, their webform did only allow 3000 characters, so I had to split the message into two parts…

— Message 2 of 2 — Continued from previous message

I did discover that I could get my Subway fix due to the limited-menu Subway located inside the WAL-MART in Heidelberg, PA. After all, as I’m sure you know… the smell of your bread baking is intoxicating. Sadly my friends, that is where the romance ends. I used to applaud the meatball sub from Subway, and held it as the standard to which all meatball subs were to be measured. This was once upon a time when the bread was doughy, the triangle was removed from the top, and replaced… keeping the meatballs secure in a blanket of cheese to ensure safe delivery to my digestive system. I know, this was a lifetime ago, but it still burns, amigos. It still burns. (I even remember the waffle fries that went through their own tiny toaster oven which have sadly gone the way of the Dodo.)

Have you seen the Left-Handed Cartoon about Subway, cheese tessellation, and soul-crushing disappointment? A friend of mine posted the humorous drawing on a message board a while ago… and sadly it rings true of the current state of Subway. (It’s located at http://www.lefthandedtoons.com/77/ for your reference if needed.)

Lastly, I find the current crop of five-dollar foot long commercials to be among the most annoying in the world… especially the one with Jared and the football players. What advertising company actually took money for that? Hopefully it was an in house idea. If not, then you were played (as they say in the streets).

As noted in my opening paragraph, I understand that is customary to include a trite reply and coupons in apology for dissatisfaction. If so inclined… please make sure they’re for Jersey Mike’s, Quiznos, or Sheetz. (FYI, Sheetz touts a far superior foot-long sub for only $4… This reminds me of when you guys started toasting subs after Quiznos moved to town.) I would include W.G. Grinder’s, but they recently started serving a crab-cake sub, so they’re also on ‘the list’. Perhaps a Jimmy John’s coupon would work? They’re fairly new to the Pittsburgh area, and I’ve yet to go to one… I wouldn’t mind trying them out! Jersey Mike’s is by far my favorite though. They’re not the cheapest, but worth the price in quality! Being a national chain, you may not be familiar with local Pittsburgh area heavyweights Carhops or Uncle Sam’s. They would be sandwich makers to emulate!

If you’re not comfortable providing a coupon to a direct competitor, I understand completely. I would also appreciate any discounts from Qdoba, Chipotle, or the Pita Pit.

Thank you for your time, I look forward to your personally tailored reply, and perhaps a continuing dialog on Subway’s sandwich artists, advertising, and overall quality of the name brand.

Best Regards,
-Eric AiXeLsyD
W(aL)D

I hope the emails go to the same person, and aren’t split across some you-take-this-one,-I’ll-get-the-next-one kind of automated system.

Thanks again to Dave for the editing and re-arranging help, the chaos needs reigned in every once in a while.

Can’t wait to see if we get a reply to this one!