Here’s a few to do for free, and you can get ’em on some stuff at my TeePublic & RedBubble Stores! As always, if you try ’em, please share your solution & tag me on social media. I’m @AiXeLsyD13 on just about everything.
I drew this one quickly & did some color on it today. I really could have leaned into the pumpkin patch theme had I planned it out a bit better. What should I do for my next book? Holidays? Spooky stuff? Just mazes? Simple stuff? A mix?
I wanted to do some simple ones for merch, the food ones seem fun, and I wanted to do some more Halloween mazes.
Seriously, check this stuff out on all the merch! You can get it on a variety of things, and customize a lot of the colors.
Is there anything you’d like to see made into merch? Any of my mazes I have drawn, or have an idea for one?
Also… for the artists… Ever have a hard time drawing something simple? I could not settle on a bat shape for the maze. I worked up sketches, which I rarely do. I worked through a bunch of stuff & shared it on Instagram.
Oh man. Does anyone remember my W(aL)D email shenanigans from a decade ago?
One such adventure was writing to Totino’s to ask if they had recommendations for microwaving more than 6 at a time. They wrote back. I asked them if I needed to arrange the rolls like wagon wheel spokes or like wagons on the Oregon Trail circling for protection. I even got some 35¢ coupons that I considered as a research grant.
Have you noticed pizza roll cooking instructions lately?
I won!Information for the people!Research to benefit the masses!
Really though. This brings up a new series of questions.
When did just arranging in “a single layer become” acceptable? Who does Totino’s think they are discarding the time-honored tradition of microwaving things in a circle? Did we learn nothing from our ancestors at Stonehenge? Did they consult the Softstix team over at SuperPretzel, or just roll forward (pun still intended) with wild abandon? How do you summon the flavor spirits without the ceremonial circle?
Has the Fibonacci spiral ever been tested as a cooking pattern? Can Ci3 make me a plate specifically for microwaving pizza rolls and little cheese-filled pretzels with the Fibonacci spiral on it?
Nothing kills holiday cheer faster than when someone offers you Christmas cookies; you gleefully accept and are presented with a tray covered in little jelly-filled things, lemon bars, and crap with nuts or coconuts all over it.
“Cookies” does not include anything with jelly in the middle, anything with nuts on or in it, lemon squares, Fig Newtons, anything with coconut shavings or flavoring. These are (in a term coined by my friend Saurav I believe) in fact “Dookies.”
Sugar cookies and shortbread are barely passable as cookies. (Sorry, Eat n’ Park.)
Pizelles can be tricky. Some of them are delicious, and some taste like what I imagine licking the inside of a dumpster in August would be like. If you use a spice called annis that sounds almost like anus, you get what you deserve.
Chocolate covered pretzels, Oreos, peanut butter crackers, etc. are acceptable.
Red licorice is OK, black licorice is not.
Thumbprints can be tricky too. If they have chocolate icing, usually only the icing is edible. The rest is tasteless powder formed into a cup of lies.
Do we need someone to make a flow chart? Are you getting this? Don’t ruin someone’s Christmas by offering cookies when you’re presenting dookies.
Didn’t I just email & tell you that? I think I did.
Perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself again. Did you read all about the Evil Popcorn Popper? It wants you to tempt death by electric shock each time you feel like making a tasty air-popped snack. Others chimed in on Facebook with their tales of appliance treachery. In the comments, I formulated an email. I sent it. Here it is:
Hello Presto®!
I recently bought one of your popcorn poppers because we had one when I was a kid and air-popped popcorn is always better than that microwave stuff. We can agree there, right?
I have a few questions about your design choices.
First… The butter tray. Why doesn’t any butter that I put in it melt? I’ve tried actual butter and “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!®” both to no avail. Did you guys test this out in the factory? Does anyone there own one of these poppers? They’ve never pointed out this problem? I can certainly melt it in the microwave, but it’s amusing to me that the popper has a butter tray that clearly doesn’t work (even long after all the popcorn has popped). Yes, I have sat there stubbornly for a while waiting for the butter to melt for many minutes after the last dead kernel spits out of the popper. When I was a kid, our popper had a metal tray. I think it did a better job of conducting heat & melting the butter. I think it even fit an entire artery-clogging stick (as long as my parents or the babysitter weren’t looking). Do you guys have any poppers for sale that actually pop popcorn AND melt butter? I’d like to see one.
Is that guy a chef and an electrician? Is he certified to plug in live wires? Do you guys not see the spark(s) when you plug the thing in? Have you ever actually plugged one in? Do you feel that it’s dangerous? I almost want to plug it in to a mulch-outlet power strip with an on/off switch and use that to turn it on so I don’t accidentally put my thumb in between the prongs as I’m plugging it in.
I’m sure you can get them even cheaper if you buy in bulk… and I’m sure they’re not all that difficult to install.
Can you imagine if other electrical products didn’t have an on/off switch? Toasters? Curling irons? Hair dryers? (They almost all come with circuit breakers now!) Electric knives? Electric hedge trimmers or weed whackers?
You really don’t feel that it’s dangerous? Not so much as a warning label adorns the power cord? Do you use gloves to plug yours in? Why was the plugging done off camera in the video?
I really look forward to your thoughts on these issues. I might go make some popcorn while I wait. I’ll be sure to melt the butter in the microwave first, and I hope I’m not electrocuted when I plug the popper in so I can read your reply!
Inquisitively,
-Waldo
This was the reply:
From: Presto Customer Service <contact@gopresto.com>
Date: Thu, Nov 29, 2012 at 3:01 PM
Subject: RE: Where’s the switch?
To: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Good morning,
I’m sorry to hear of your dissatisfaction with your hot air popper. We have not received complaints of butter not melting in the butter melter. Please note that the instructions do indicate that soft/room temperature butter or margarine needs to be used, refrigerated butter will not melt during the short popping period. I do not recommend that you let the unit run after the corn has popped, as this could cause the unit to overheat.
Our hot air poppers are not designed with an on/off switch. I talked with our Quality Manager and he indicated that there are no plans to change the design to include a switch. The unit has been tested very thoroughly and meets all UL mandates. If you read and follow the instruction manual, you can feel assured that this appliance is safe to use.
Have a good day.
Colleen
NPI Customer Service
Shipments made to U.S. or Canada only
Well, that was unsatisfactory. Letting it run empty to melt butter is bad, but plugging in a live appliance is OK? I call shenanigans. Shenanigans because we keep butter in the ‘fridge, and shenanigans because plugging something in that sparks feels kind of dangerous.
I do find the sentence “I talked with our Quality Manager and he indicated that there are no plans to change the design to include a switch” highly amusing. They had a discussion about my email. This has never come up before? Say it with me: Shenanigans. I’d like to know what the quality manager really said.
Who exactly are Underwriters Laboratories and why do they put their logo on everything? How did they decided that plugging in a live wire is safe? Maybe I should write to them and ask about it?
A while ago I bought a popcorn popper similar to one we had when I was a kid. It’s a rather simple appliance, and I have many fond memories of making a mess by trying to use a bowl that was too small and putting way too much butter on it. I still like popcorn, and the stuff from a popper is leaps & bounds more awesome than the microwavable kind (but not as cool as the little foil pan that puffs up when you hold it over an oven burner).
The one we had when I was a kid was a little fancier… it had a cup that you filled with a trap door where the butter cup here is… and a butter tray made of metal about the size of a stick of butter in front of that. The one pictured here is like the one currently at home, and it sure doesn’t melt butter… even if you leave it long after all the popcorn has popped. Did anyone test this at the factory before they boxed & shipped it? No one that works there has ever tried to use this thing?
One similar feature to the one I remember form my childhood is a distinct lack of a power switch. Don’t believe me? Check out the video from their site:
One of the first things you learn as a child after the word “no”, not sticking things up your nose, and not eating stuff you find on the floor is to not stick your fingers (or anything else) into an electrical outlet. Everything else comes with a warning label. directly on the electrical cord.. like your hair dryer, a toaster, or even a lamp. This thing just plugs right into the outlet with a crazy little spark and a jarring whir of sound.
Perhaps one has to be a chef to operate the thing? Maybe the guy in the video is just in a costume, I don’t know. Maybe he’s an electrician. Do they have professional popcorn chefs? Was he trained to properly plug a live cord into a receptacle? I like how they don’t show you that part.
I can’t think of anything else that’s on as soon as you plug it in. You can buy a rocker switch rather cheaply. Are they that hard to install? Are they that much more expensive? Should I write to Presto and ask them why they let his dangerous chaos continue? I just might.
What kind of popcorn popper do you have (if you have one)? I’ve never tried one that uses oil… or on of the ones that looks like a tiny cart. Do you have a tricky death-tempting popcorn popper at home, or any other appliance that dares you to dance with 110v?
I DM’ed them and told them of me real name and my cause. I think more companies are engaging people personally & directly with Twitter like this, and it’s a great thing. Who doesn’t like free stuff?
Today the mailman delivered some goodies…
Free stuff!
The card s pretty cool too!
@Bronco_Jalapeno #ThanksRadioShack...? Yes, yes he does.
Hilarious. How fun is that? I do need some soldering stuff, I guess it’s off to Radio Shack for the stuff next time I need it! (I might get a couple of capacitors to mess around with.)
So, thanks to Radio Shack for being cool, for the laugh, & for the T-shirt!
I walked into the house today and saw this rather large box on the couch where I normally sit. My wife had arrived home a little while earlier, and brought it inside. FedEx dropped it off on the front porch earlier in the day.
I saw my name, then the Arby’s logo, and I could hardly contain my excitement.
...For me?
I mean, I thrive on the ridiculous, and this is most certainly ridiculous. This couldn’t be a box full of Bronco Berry Sauce, could it? Indeed, it could. Absolutely ridiculous. Personal supply? I mean, I like to eat but…
Yee-haw!
That is a whole lot of horses and berries! Well, it would be… if Bronco Berry Sauce actually contained any broncos or berries. The label on the box says that it’s 240 1.5 oz. containers of this decadently delightful dip. It also contained this lovely letter…
Hala Moddelmog, President of Arby's
A letter from the President of Arby’s?Hala Moddelmog rules. I mean, I don’t see the presidents of McDonald’s, Wendy’s, or Pizza Hut responding to a crazy person on the internet with such individually directed kindness & generosity.
I’m obviously going to need help finishing this case. It expires in June, so I highly doubt we can get through it all. Want some Bronco Berry Sauce? I’m willing to share what is now a rarity in our region.
I’m saddened by the news that Jalapeño Bites won’t be returning to Arby’s in Pittsburgh any time soon, but I do believe that my emails have actually been passed along. I will pass on the Occupy Arby’s sauce sit-in. But I still may write a song, even if no one helps me.
Perhaps the song will be the thing that puts our market managers and the marketing team over the edge. I’ll have to write to my new friend Ms. Moddlemog, and see exactly where to direct my comments.
I almost want to build something out of them. It looks like 1 or 2 popped (or was squeezed) open, but it’s an acceptable loss. I mean, it was free. We had some Bronco Berry Sauce tonight with a few Tyson chicken tenders for dinner in lieu of boring old bottle barbecue sauce.
Bronco Jalapeño’s appetite may be satisfied for now, but my quest is not over. Arby’s in Pittsburgh, are you listening? Bring back the Jalapeño bites! This potato bite shenanigans is just that, shenanigans.
To follow the story from the start, check out these posts:
So, on one hand… Arby’s is trying to placate the great Bronco Jalapeño with the promise of personal gain. I think. They don’t flat-out say that, but that’s what I read from it. What do you think?
So they intend to silence the great Jalapeño with a free sample or some coupons? Perhaps with just their word? I have not received a reply to the tweet yet… and I’m not sure how they would send a supply of Bronco Berry Sauce as I don’t think Bronco Jalapeño has an address… unless they know that I am Bronco Jalapeño… (which isn’t too hard to figure out) but then again I don’t remember if I provided my address in their contact form, and they haven’t reached out to ask me for it.
On the other hand, I received this email…
From: “customerservice@arbys.com” <customerservice@arbys.com> To: me@my.email.address Sent: Tuesday, March 27, 2012 10:20 AM Subject: Customer Feedback #474233
Dear Mr. Carroll,
Thank you for your comments regarding our Bronco Berry Sauce. Our customer’s input and comments are always welcome and very important to us. We use this information to guide the decisions we make about our brand and our products. We have shared your comments with our Menu and Product Development team for future consideration. Also, Bronco Berry sauce is not available for retail sale.
If you have any additional questions you can give us a call at 800-599-2729.
Thank you again.
Sincerely,
Arby’s Customer Relations
Allow me to translate a few key lines…
No hat is too big for Bronco Jalapeño!
“We have shared your comments with our Menu and Product Development team for future consideration.” means a couple of things:
“We’ve shared your comments” means that it’s off of their collective customer service desk, so they consider the issue resolved, and can blame any further lack of progress or answers solely on the “Menu and Product Development team.”
“For future consideration” means I won’t get a reply from them either, and this will most likely go ignored, completely negating the statements “Our customer’s input and comments are always welcome and very important to us. We use this information to guide the decisions we make about our brand and our products.”
Perhaps I’m too cynical.
“Also, Bronco Berry sauce is not available for retail sale” means “too bad for you!”
From: Eric <me@my.email.address> To: “customerservice@arbys.com” Sent: Wednesday, March 21, 2012 Subject: Re: Arby’s Feedback #473197
Hello friends,
It’s been a week, and I haven’t heard back from my feedback submission… #473197.
Any hope of some answers?
Thanks,
-Eric
.seitilibasid gninrael fo nuf ekam ot ynnuf ton yllaer s’tI
I did get this engaging missive after I inquired about a response using my trusty tracking number…
From: “customerservice@arbys.com” <customerservice@arbys.com> To: me@my.email.address Sent: Wednesday, March 21, 2012 Subject: Arby’s Feedback #473197 Follow-Up
Dear Arby’s Guest,
This e-mail is related to your feedback tracking number 473197.
In order to better serve our customers, we would like to know if you have been contacted by a representative of Arby’s in our efforts to resolve your issue or answer your question.
We appreciate your comments and will use them to improve the overall experience of our customers at our restaurant.
Sincerely,
Arby’s Guest Feedback Team
So I wrote back (again)…
From: Eric <me@my.email.address> To: “customerservice@arbys.com” <customerservice@arbys.com> Sent: Wednesday, March 21, 2012 Subject: Re: Arby’s Feedback #473197 Follow-Up
Hello,
I have not been contacted. That’s why I wrote again. Should I include a copy of my 1st email?
Thanks,
-Eric
.seitilibasid gninrael fo nuf ekam ot ynnuf ton yllaer s’tI
Is it just me, or was the purpose of my original email to state that I had not yet received a reply? Yet, that asked me if I had received a reply? Are you even reading these emails, Arby’s?
Comparing my minor inconveniences to a “massive” political movement? Yes. I just did that. I generally make light of many things. You’re about to read one of those things.
"*Limited availability at participating locations" roughly translates to "NONE FOR YOU!"
This is ridiculous. I can be more ridiculous. So, I decided to submit an email via Arby’s webform:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
No more Jalapeño Poppers & (perhaps more importantly) BRONCO BERRY SAUCE®?
Please tell me that this is temporary insanity & that they will be back soon. Please?
I understand that the stores were given a choice between carrying some loaded potato bite shenanigans and the Jalapeño poppers, and local stores in my area (Pittsburgh, PA) opted for the not-so-awesome menu selection.
I understand that we (the consumers) are directed to voice our opinions to the local Arby’s locations.
My questions to you are as follows…
☘ WHY? Why did they have to choose? Why not carry both?
☘ WHY (again)? Why would one choose some potato things over the awesomeness that is BRONCO BERRY SAUCE® (& Jalapeño Poppers)?
☘ HOW? How do I contact the local Arby’s via email? Do they each have email addresses? Is there a regional manager?
☘ WELL? If I can’t get the BRONCO BERRY SAUCE® locally, can I order some online? Will you start bottling & selling it in grocery stores now that it’s no longer readily available to the masses?
It most certainly does not put me in a good mood to not have my BRONCO BERRY SAUCE®. I’m pretty sure I could straight-up just drink the stuff were it a little thinner. Rude Mood Food is more like it now, my friends.
I may have to organize an OCCUPY ARBY’S at a nearby location. It may get crazy. There may be news cameras. It will be a peaceful protest, so please don’t pepper spray any of us. You may, however, shower us with packets of BRONCO BERRY SAUCE® and hot fresh Jalapeño Poppers. We’ll have to chant things like “Don’t be a dingleberry, bring back the Bronco Berry!”, “No Jalapeños dude, that’s Rude Mood Food!”, or “Potato Bites, really bite!” (Well, that one may need work.)
Please, talk some sense into the Arby’s locations in the Pittsburgh area before it comes down to this insanity.
Bronco Berry Backer, -Eric
This is all I have received so far:
From: “customerservice@arbys.com” <customerservice@arbys.com> To: me@my.email.address Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2012 Subject: Arby’s Feedback #473197
Dear Arby’s Guest,
We have received your Guest Feedback message and are directing it to the appropriate department. For follow-up purposes, your feedback tracking number is 473197.
Your feedback helps us improve the overall guest experience at our restaurants. Thank you for taking the time to contact us.
Sincerely, Arby’s Guest Feedback Team
Ridiculous. It’s still not the most ridiculous thing that’s happened in an Arby’s parking lot around here. I mean, remember this dude?
If they have to tell you that it's delicious, maybe it's not really delicious.
Not that I’m the biggest Arby’s fan in the first place. I’m more of a fan of actual Roast Beef, not this lunch-meat stuff like Arby’s or the all-gone-except-the-ones-on-the-Turnpike Roy Rogers has. (Remember Rax? They had that too.) Ever been to Lion’s Choice? I believe they’re centered around St. Louis. That, my friends, is how roast beef is done.
You might say “just get your jalapeño bites (or poppers) somewhere else, you weirdo”. To that, I say…
I can’t, most places that have them also have some form of deathfish in the fryer… which may possibly kill me (and put a damper on my dining experience).
Are you also angry about this? Voice your opinions below… perhaps we can get Arby’s to look here & reconsider this grievous error. If not, maybe we’ll to the Occupy Arby’s thing. I bet we could get on the news.
Beyond that, the next step may be petitioning McDonald’s, Wendy’s, & Chick-fil-A to carry them…
Do you have any suggestions for protest slogans? Would you join an Occupy Arby’s movement? What should be our next course of action?
World (and Lunar) Domination 