Image by Tim Rodenberg via Flickr
At first, I thought this was someone mistaking me for McDonald’s (or another food place) again, then I thought it’s most likely spam. At any rate, I’m having some fun at some scammer’s expense. I don’t think English is their first language…
From: john simson <jsimson02983@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Nov 17, 2011
Subject: Attn-My Mom Birthday Party (Chicken Caesar Salad)
To:
Hello My name is John Simson and I would like to order for individual Chicken Caesar Salad Individual wrap in your restaurant for 150 people on 29th November and pick up time is 3pm and it’s for my Mom’s Birthday Party and it will be picked up by my courier agent and I am ready to pay the full payment with my credit card so get to me with the following information below……
Pickup Address:
Personal cell #:
Total cost for the food:
Type of credit card:
Best Regards,
John Simson
Always eager to help, I wrote back.
From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Nov 17, 2011
Subject: Re: Attn-My Mom Birthday Party (Chicken Caesar Salad)
To: john simson
Hello Mr. Simson,
It would be my pleasure to prepare your “individual Chicken Cæsar Salad Individual wrap” order for 150 people! Can I ask where you found my company’s contact information? We believe in strong kick-backs & discounts for referrals!
Would you like 150 wraps, or 200 or so …in case people want seconds? I’m somewhat unclear on your wording… perhaps you would like one giant individual chicken cæsar salad wrap that can feed 150 people?
Your mom is a lucky lady! To not only know 150 people, but to have a son like you that’s putting together such a grand event (with super-fine dining to boot) is an incredible thing. Perhaps you can up your count to 151 and I’ll hand deliver? I don’t have many friends, but I do like parties!
Would you like to stamp your mother’s name along with a happy birthday message on the outside of the wrap(s)? Advertising with printing directly on the wraps is standard for us, so it’s no big deal & not much of an extra charge for us to add a custom message. We feel that we must seize every opportunity to advertise.
Currently we’re working on exciting “edible” advertisements that will pass through your system and remind you of our catering services upon their exit. They always come out (well, usually always), but they’re not always readable. We need to work on a smooth non-stick or oily surface that always floats. We hope to be a leader in defecation-marketing!
I don’t have a personal cell phone, as I mentioned before… I don’t have many friends. I would prefer cash since I can deliver in person. Then you won’t need to worry about my address… and I’m not sure why you’re asking for a type of credit card when you’re the one paying me.
I can get back to you with the total cost once you tell me if you desire the custom birthday message, how many wraps exactly, and if you’ll need any side orders. May I reccomend the potato chips? They’re homemade, and each one is designed like a tasty business card! Also, I have a discount for friends, pending the party invitation. Maybe your courier agent and I can hang out? I like bicycles.
Looking forward to your business!
-Waldo Lunar
Reasonable enough questions, right?
From: John Simson <jsimson01@yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, Nov 17, 2011
Subject: Re: Attn-My Mom Birthday Party (Chicken Caesar Salad)
To: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Thanks for the email,I want you to understand that am hearing impaired so the best way for me to communicate with you is via email and i can only make payment via my credit card.Thanks
WHAT? Heh. Sorry, that was tasteless. I still don’t know how they’re going to scam me by providing their credit card information. I don’t want to be baited into taking it either.
From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Nov 17, 2011
Subject: Re: Attn-My Mom Birthday Party (Chicken Caesar Salad)
To: John Simson <jsimson01@yahoo.com>
Thanks again Mr. Simson,
We can do that then, no problem. I abhor the phone. See? We’re already forming the bonds of friendship! How is your mother? I hope she is well. Sorry it took so long for me to reply, I’m up to my eyeballs in turkey dinner preparation. I think there must be a holiday next week, we’ve had a big rush for individual turkey wraps.
I am uncomfortable taking credit information via email. Any type of card is acceptable. Would you be able to pay upon pickup or delivery? I can perhaps get one of those gadgets that connects to my work cell phone and swipes credit cards. I hear that Nigerian scams abound out there on the internet… people phishing for personal details, and what-not. They are indeed the scourge of the modern age, my friend. They prey upon the naive, and the kind-hearted like you and me.
May I ask, why you were inquiring about a type of card if you’re the one paying… and why about a personal cell phone if you’re hearing impaired? Is it to text? Have you looked into a TDD system?
Also, as far as the pickup address, which location would you prefer for a pickup?
If you could please answer the questions from my last email, it would help move things along. I also forgot to ask (silly me!) what the date of the party is?
I’m thinking cost-wise, we’ll be anywhere from $7 to $14 per person, depending on side options, possible drinks, portion sizes, and pending the custom matronly birthday wishes. I realize that it’s a steep price, but my individual chicken Cæsar wraps are the best in the tri-state area. “For real, son.” …as they said in the streets a few years ago. I joke, because I feel we will be great friends, John.
As soon as you answer all my questions, we’ll be good to go! What kind of dress is the party? I don’t want to show up in my tux if we’re all supposed to be in jeans! Or is there a theme? I went to a party one time where we all wore Hawaiian shirts. It was very exotic! Maybe with a chicken Cæsar theme, we could do a toga party? Or, if everyone wore flowered sheets, a Hawaiian toga party? Rome meets Maui! I could put pineapple rings on the wraps to decorate. I was also thinking if you’d like to attach a photo of your mother, we could also perhaps print that on the individual wraps? Do you have a ukulele? Maybe we can look up some Roman songs.
Please, respond at your earliest convenience my friend! You should practice this to impress your mother: “Donec mater grata luau in honore tuo! Sit amicus recens Waldo.” Google Translate is quite fun!
Malama pono salutem plurimam,
-Waldo
Your move, “Mr. Simson”!
Image by Joe Shlabotnik via Flickr
And really though… Toga Luau? How awesome would that be? And the advertisements in poop? It’s coming. Right after they start printing on the wraps themselves. Why advertise on just the paper wrapper itself?
World (and Lunar) Domination 