Author Archives: AiXeLsyD13

There’s a spider living in my mirror.

Posted on by Standard 7

There's a spider in my mirror

Can you see the web? It’s pretty faint. There are diagonal strands across the mirror face.

I think a spider has made a home in my driver’s side rear-view mirror.  I took some photos, but my phone’s camera is terrible.  I decided to share them anyway.  Hopefully you can see something.

There have been some strands across the face of the mirror for a while now, and more recently it has built a web inside the curve of the mirror’s housing where it attaches to the car.

Do you see the web?

Can you see the extra web? It’s in the little curved part.

One one hand, I want to knock the web down & hopefully the spider will move along.  On the other, it has survived multiple drives, multiple rains, and just in general for about a week now… who am I to destroy it?

I’m guessing it lives back there behind the mirror.  I’d probably pick a similar spot if I was a spider.  The web is odd, it’s not the “classic” spider-web made famous by Halloween Decorations & Spider-Man’s costume.  It’s not the scary funnel web.  It’s some diagonal stands across the mirror and a weird shaped 3D thing inside that curve.  Apparently this isn’t that kind of spider, or it just didn’t pay attention in web-spinning class.

I swear, there really is a web there.

I swear, there really is a web there.

I haven’t ever seen any bugs in the web.  I hate bugs.  (Most of us do, right?)  I’m letting the spider stay out of hope that he’ll destroy our common enemy: All other bugs.  I really don’t like spiders.  They creep me out.  Especially little ones.  I held our science class’ pet tarantula in 4th grade… but she wasn’t as creepy as little spiders.  Those little brown recluse ones are nasty, I hope it’s not one of those.  Also… those little white spiders really creep me out.  (What are those things?)  I doubt it’s a black widow or a wolf spider.  I saw a wolf spider at camp one time that was as big as the palm of my hand… no exaggeration.  I woke up, and it was on the ceiling of the cabin above me.  I just let it go… as the cabin was in the woods and it belonged there more than me.

English: brown recluse as compared to a U.S.A....

English: brown recluse as compared to a U.S.A. penny (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I generally smash spiders as soon as I see them.  It’s usually a good idea.  One time, it wasn’t.  I was pretty young, and I stepped on this spider and a million (yes I counted) miniscule baby spiders ran out from it.  I freaked out, stomping around with both feet like I was putting out a fire or doing some kind of tribal dance.  I couldn’t have gotten them all.  I lived in fear of retaliation for many many years.  Maybe that’s why I still don’t like spiders.

I also remember renting Arachnophobia… watching about 5 whole minutes of it, and then popping the VHS tape out of the VCR and deciding not to continue.  I was too weird-ed out.

NEW Ultrasonic Spider Repeller

NEW Ultrasonic Spider Repeller

I’ve even thought about getting one of those things that you plug into the wall that are supposed to emit some kind of ultrasonic noise that spiders, bugs, and even rats don’t like.  Can that even work?  It just seems like a way to take my money for something that could in no way work as advertised.

Can anyone tell me what kind of spider this is from the web?  (If you can even see it.)  Should I crush the mighty arachnid now while I still can?  Will it make a million more little spiders that will overrun my car?

1: Places where spiders belong:

  • The Woods
  • The Desert
  • Outside
  • In the garden

2: Places where spiders don’t belong:

  • The Sink
  • The Bathtub
  • My Basement
  • The Bedroom
  • The Living Room

Where does my mirror fit in?  I’m guessing category 2, but I didn’t want to be too hasty.  Live and let live, unless you’re a mother spider carrying a bazillion spider babies, or one of said spider babies…

Apparently this happens to people everywhere.

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New BBQ Joints?

Posted on by Standard 7

Pittsbugh BBQ Co. - Brisket Sandwich

Good BBQ helps to grow healthy sideburns.

Well, you probably know I like barbecue.  I’m a big fan, and I’m always willing to try out new places.  Well, new places that don’t have shrimp or other deathfish on the menu.  I’ve scoped out the web sites three places I haven’t tried… perhaps they’re rather new?  Can anyone tell me if they’ve been to any of these places & what they think?  (Or if they have any stuff on site that’s not listed on the online menu?)

Perhaps, like movie nights, I can organize a Pittsburgh (& surrounding area) BBQ tour?  Would anyone be interested?

I’d like to check out the following BBQ restaurants…

Of course we’d have to hit my favorites… Brentwood Express Rowdy BBQ, Pittsburgh Barbecue Co., & Clem’s Cafe!

Were else are the deathfish-free BBQ joints in in & around the ‘Burgh?

A wing tour has been suggested, but 95% of the places that fry wings also fry deathfish, so I’ll stick with Gooski’s.

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Ya Jagoff!!! Parking Tickets

Posted on by Standard Reply

This Week It’s 2 “Prependicular” Peter Parkers!

This Week It’s 2 “Prependicular” Peter Parkers!

This is genius.  Tired of being able to do nothing when you see someone parked like a Jagoff?  Now you can do something about it.  Check out these perpendicular Peter Parkers as an example, and check out the printable parking “tickets”!

Just don’t damage anyone’s car (especially stickered or flagged ones), and don’t get caught and/or shot in the process.

One of these days I need to capture the people that park on the yellow-lined triangle int he middle of the lot at the Kuhn’s on Banksville.  They usually stop there to disrupt traffic when going to the ATM or Starbucks.

Printable Parking Notes | Ya Jagoff!!!

YaJagoff.com | Printable Parking Notes: Do NOT ruin anyone’s vehicle!!

Snap a photo, place the ticket, and they can watch for themselves online. I only wish there was a way to call out the Peter Parkers who can’t Parallel Park on the street in front of my house.

I might need to make a custom one that says something like this:

Hey Jagoff New People That Just Moved Here,

Why has the number of cars on our street doubled since you’ve moved in?  Please note that there’s an alley behind your house where you can park two (or at least one) of those cars.  I don’t have an alley behind my apartment, so that’s not an option for me.  Help make the neighborhood an easier place to park by not being a Jagoff.

Respectfully,
Your Grumpy Jagoff Neighbor

Or this:

Hey Jagoff That Visits Someone Here A Few Nights A Week,

Your truck is as long as a school bus, and is probably as wide.  I appreciate that your solution is to sometimes park with a tire on the sidewalk, but that’s not really cool.  It’s also not cool to take up 3 spaces by parking a half car-length (or quarter truck-length) away from the vehicle in front of and or behind you.  I appreciate that you probably can’t see from your seat that’s 2 stories high… so maybe you should just park in the lot at the bottom of the hill & walk to wherever you need to go.

Thanks,
A Jagoff that actually lives in this neighborhood

Or even this:

Dear Jagoff Neighbors,

How is it possible that you have a picnic, birthday party, barbecue, bonfire, or gathering for a sporting event every weekend?  Why is the gathering place for your entire extended family at your house?  Don’t you ever go to their houses?  Why is it that I can’t make a trip to CVS or anywhere else close by on a weekend without my space getting filled before I return?  Do you have a lookout on the porch doing some sort of jagoff valet where you move all of your cars closer?  Do you like to watch me carry 20 bags of groceries for 2 blocks?  There is a parking lot at the bottom of the hill for your family.  We occasionally like to entertain on the weekends too.  We tell people to park in the lot.

Thanks,
A Jagoff Neighbor

Okay, I need to go do something to calm down.

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Zombie Apocalypse Playlist?

Posted on by Standard 9

So Ultimate Classic Rock came up with a Zombie Apocalypse 2012 Playlist (in “honor” of the face-eater in Florida).  Great idea.  OK list.  Granted, the name of the site is Ultimate Classic Rock, but let’s add some more zombie songs.

Their list?

Tom Petty, ‘Zombie Zoo‘
Alice Cooper, ‘Zombie Dance‘ and ‘I Love the Dead‘
The Ramones, ‘Pet Sematary‘
The Zombies, ‘Time of the Season‘
Jonathan Coulton, ‘Re: Your Brains‘
Rob Zombie, ‘Living Dead Girl‘
U2, ‘Wake Up Dead Man‘
The Hooters, ‘All You Zombies‘
Michael Jackson, ‘Thriller‘

Let’s expand our list to cannibalism, face-eating, and general insanity or gore.

I’m sure there are many many more.  Help me list ’em?

Shaun of the Dead Zombies

Ultimate Classic Rock | Zombie Apocalypse 2012 Playlist

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Danke Daka

Posted on by Standard 1

Did you read about my trouble with the One-Touch Can Opener?  How about my attempt at emailing them in Chinese?  Well, sadly they wrote back, and it’s quite boring.

The word is…

From: info info
To: Me <_____________@_____.___>
Cc: info <info@onetouchproducts.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Subject: Re: One-Stuck Can Opener

Dear Eric,

Thanks for your email.

For the can opener issue, please try to press and hold the reverse switch at the rear of the can opener.

The cutter will move in the reverse direction to the start position and the can lid will be released.

You may also check the instruction manual for trouble shooting ways.

Please download and keep the user manual from our website (as per below link) for your reference.

http://www.onetouchproducts.com/CanOpenerll.htm

Should you have any questions, please feel free to contact us.

Best Regards,
One Touch

There’s a reverse switch?  The answer is that simple?  I’m so disappointed, I haven’t even tried it yet.  Why not mark the switch?  I don’t remember the thing coming with instructions!  Bastards.

There may be a slight language barrier here, and a large cultural one.

Also, I decided to further my communication with Astrid at Bed Bath & Beyond.  Apparently this was going too far…

From: Eric <_____________@_____.___>
To: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012 1:19 PM
Subject: Re: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

Thanks Astrid,

We’ll have to go with the store credit then.  This is absolutely not a problem.  I always want to buy many things every time we’re in a Bed, Bath & Beyond.  Do you have a favorite can opener, or other cool kitchen gadget?  Perhaps we could get that.  Maybe some time my wife & I could have you over for dinner & we can use our new can opener.  What’s your favorite canned food?  I generally prefer fresh vegetables over canned… but I do like to make chili with a lot of canned ingredients.  Do you like chili?

I’d like to suggest that you guys carry P-38’s.  They really are useful, and don’t have any moving or electrical parts that can break or get stuck.

I like chili served over mashed potatoes.  I like mashed potatoes.

Rock on!

-Eric

I have as of yet not received a reply.

English: A small plate with a serving of mashe...

I like them.

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Bed, Bath, Above & Beyond. Daka & One-Touch refuse to answer.

Posted on by Standard 8

Google Translate

Google Translate (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

如果我尝试在中国吗？ (That’s “What if I try it in Chinese?” or “If I try in China?” according to Google Translate…)

Well, I never got anything from our friends at Daka about the One-Touch Can Opener that won’t relinquish the lid.  So I decided to use Google Translate to try & express my frustration in Chinese through the wonders of technology.

The added opening line is…

Hello, going to try in Chinese (with the help of Google Translate) because I haven’t had a reply yet.

Here’s what it gave me…

你好，去尝试在中国（谷歌翻译的帮助下），因为我还没有答复。

你好能征服者！

今天我写信给你，你必须有遇到过的问题。目前我是我的第二个单触式开罐器…它已被卡住盖子无行为能力。请参阅所附的图片，从字面上说明我的困境。正如你可以看到，盖仍然是牢固地掌握在单触式开罐器。这是不是第一次，这已经与本单位发生。有时，我能够说服放弃后，一个额外的按钮按盖子的开罐器。这个时候，所有的额外的感人不能正常工作。现在只剩下我与数额是多少，我的厨房柜台上的电池昂贵的塑料和金属摇滚。这可以大开眼界来岩目前有没有目的（以外恼人的我，每次我看到它）。我只有一两个月。它具有新的电池。在此之前它毫无用处，它并没有得到多大用处。

我以前曾拥有 单键开罐器，最终遇到同样的问题。我能看过去的事实，产品名为单键操作了几个涉及到很多出师不利后。我是能够处理的事实，偶尔会削减微小的，可以标注彩带和拖放到我的食物。的下脚料，一般很容易找到，并挑选出。我是能够接受的，它偶尔会倒下了，一个能完成后，取下盖子，也可能在可以敲的过程中。它仍像我获奖的辣椒或轻松舒适的食物9 CAN蔬菜汤，做的事情时节省时间。 （虽然，我投注的人…我会放在我的钱，在一个P-38的军队打开了一罐开罐器更快。）

我曾经以为，当我试图强行从我的第一个触盖子开罐器我可能爆发的东西。它不再回应我的接触。我检查了电池。我尝试不同大小的罐。我试图使用武力。 （我想在第一道曙光，并最终黑暗的一面。愤怒确实恨，就像尤达说。的仇恨也最终导致了我的钱包的痛苦。）我和平的企图都是无济于事。也许用钳子野蛮撬从盲目单键的强大抓地力的盖子是个坏主意。我粉笔我是一个傻瓜，辞职只是一个新的购买。

我买一个新的，从床Bath＆Beyond的，我相信，我们已经到达的情况，我在此电子邮件的开头介绍。我离开卡住所附照片的盖子，并在无用的单触式开罐器。

我也不知道是什么，什么我的游戏结束在这里。我的计划是给你写信通知你的情况，看看是否有别人谁也遇到同样的问题，看看你可以提供一个解决方案。我想说的行动可接受的课程将包括（但不仅限于）以下：

如何正确地得到单触式开罐器放弃的盖子，它深深地拥抱的建议。
一种新的改进功能的单键（如果存在）。
价值约20美元，美国军队发出的P-38或其他运作非电动开罐器。我来到这个大致的数字（和我向下舍入）：$ 15为单触式和5美元的名牌电池。

当然提供更同意recompensation，如果你想，我很开放的建议。我觉得我应该得到的东西，至少你的产品对我的失败而快速连续。当然，你同意吗？最合理的人。

谢谢您的时间和援助。我期待着您的答复和建议的解决方案。我急了，除去20元的塑料从我的厨房柜台金属装饰的无功能的一触式岩石。

愿力与你同
– 埃里克

。趣乐的习学人疾残使，笑好不的真这

Here’s what happened when I translate that back into English:

Hello, try the help of China (Google translation), because I did not reply.

Hello can conqueror!

Today I write to you, you must have encountered the problem. I my second one-touch can opener … it has been stuck lid incapacitated. Please see the attached picture, literally, to explain my plight. As you can see, the cover still firmly rests in the one-touch can opener. This is not the first time this has occurred with the unit. Sometimes I was able to convince to give up, an extra button lid opener. This time, all the extra moving can not work properly. Now left with what amounts to expensive battery on my kitchen counter, plastic and metal rock. This can be an eye-opener to rock at present there is no purpose (other than annoying me, every time I see it). I have only one or two months. It has a new battery. Prior to this it is useless, it does not get much use.

I previously owned one-touch can opener, and eventually encounter the same problem. I can see past the fact that the product, called one-button operation involving several to many false starts. I was able to handle the fact that occasionally cut a tiny, you can label the ribbon and drag it to my food. Scraps, usually easy to find and pick out. I was able to accept, it will occasionally fall, a complete, remove the cover, may also be in the process that can be knocked. It is still like the award-winning chili or relaxed and comfortable food 9 CAN vegetable soup, do things to save time. (Although, I bet the people … I will be on my money in a P-38, the army opened a can opener faster.)

I once thought that when I tried to forcibly from my first touch the lid opener outbreak. It is no longer respond to my touch. I checked the battery. I tried a different size cans. I tried to use force. (I think at first light, and eventually the dark side. Anger really hate, like Yoda said. Hatred eventually led to the pain of my wallet.) Peace attempt to no avail. May blind one-touch powerful grip pliers barbaric pry the lid is a bad idea. I chalk I’m a fool, resignation just a new purchase.

I bought a new one, from Bed Bath & Beyond, I believe, we have arrived, I introduced at the beginning of this email. I left stuck in the attached photo of the cover, and in the useless single touch can opener.

I do not know what is what my game is over here. My plan is to write to you to inform you of the situation to see if there are others who have encountered the same problem, see if you can provide a solution. I want to say an acceptable course of action will include (but are not limited to) the following:

  • How to get one-touch can opener to give up the lid, and it deeply embrace recommendations.
  • A new and improved features one-button (if present).
  • Worth about $ 20, P-38 issued by the U.S. armed forces or other operation of non-electric can opener. I came to this approximate figure (and I down rounding): $ 15 one-touch, and $ 5 brand name batteries.

More agree recompensation of course, if you want to, I am open to suggestions. I think I should get something, at least you my failure in rapid succession. Of course, do you agree? Most reasonable people.

Thank you for your time and assistance. I look forward to your reply and suggested solution. I am anxious to remove the plastic from my kitchen counter without metal decoration features a touch of rock.

May the Force be with you
– Eric

. Interest in music, then learn the Disabled to laugh it really true

I ought to do this with all of my emails from now on.  This is much more interesting.

One-Touch Can Opener

Friends don’t let automatic can openers drink & open cans.

At any rate, I shot out an email to Bed Bath & Beyond too, and they seemingly always stand behind their reputation.  I can get store credit if I bring in the stuck lid and whichever card we used to make the purchase.  Thanks to my wife’s memory, we bought it on the same day she bought a flour sifter not too long ago.  I doubt we have the receipt, but we still do have the card that made the purchase.

Their initial response:

From: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
To: _____________@_____.___
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Subject: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

 Subject
PRODUCT INQUIRY
 Discussion Thread
 Response Via Email (Astrid) 05/29/2012 04:27 PM
Dear Eric;Thank you for your email.We sincerely apologize for the situation described in your email. At Bed Bath & Beyond, we want our customers to be 100% satisfied with our customer service and merchandise selection. You may return this item to any of our stores for an even exchange or store credit. You can receive a refund in the manner you paid for the item if you have your receipt. Please note, there is no time limit to make a return and we do not require the original packaging. We are also forwarding this information over to our buyers and the vendor for their consideration and improvement.We hope this information has been helpful. Please email or call us at 1-800-GO-BEYOND (1-800-462-3966) if you have any questions.Sincerely,Astrid
Customer Service
Bed Bath & Beyond

My reply:

From: -mE. <_____________@_____.___>
To: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Subject: Re: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

Aloha Astrid!

 Thank you, your reply was rather quick!  I have not had even as much as an acknowledgement of a receipt of my email from the manufacturer.  Apparently they don’t stand behind their products.  Perhaps you ought to review or do more rigorous tests on the things that you sell.  Has anyone else complained of this issue?

I’m not sure if we still have the receipt, as it was purchased some time ago.  I’m sure my wife or I purchased it with one of our debit cards though.  Would you be able to find the transaction from the card?  I know some stores can do that, and I know you guys have a pretty awesome no-hassle returns policy.

Were you able to view my entire message?  I know I was unable to attach photos.  Perhaps you would like to see the entire message (with photos) on my blog.

If I bring in the One-Touch can opener, can I leave the stuck lid?  Do you have any P-38 can openers for sale?

Rock on,
-Eric
.seitilibasid gninrael fo nuf ekam ot ynnuf ton yllaer s’tI

Their secondary response:

From: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
To: _____________@_____.___
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Subject: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

 Subject
PRODUCT INQUIRY
 Discussion Thread
 Response Via Email (Astrid) 05/30/2012 10:08 AM
Dear Eric;

Thanks for responding. However, as I have explained you are able to return this defective item back to any of our stores for an exchange or store credit, if you do not have the receipt and use the credit towards the purchase of a new can opener of your choice. Please keep in mind that you may bring your return as it is with no problem. Unfortunately we do not carry P-38 can openers in our selection.

If we can be of further assistance please email us again or call our eService Center at 1-800-GO-BEYOND® (1-800-462-3966).

Sincerely,

Astrid
Customer Service
Bed Bath & Beyond

Heh.  Astrid does not seem amused.

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You ought to come see some of these shows.

Posted on by Standard Reply

I’m sure you know I’m one of the Berts in Ernie and the Berts.  I’m sure you know we play shows.  I’m sure you’d have fun at one (or two or three or four).  Come rock out with us some time…

Tue. 06/05/2012 @ Altar Bar - Real McKenzies, Goddamn Gallows, Bloody Seamen, Ernie and the Berts

✟ The Real McKenzies ✟ The Goddamn Gallows ✟ The Bloody Seamen ✟ Ernie and the Berts ✟

Tuesday June 5th, 2012 at the Altar Bar (Also, win Ernie’s Pants!)

Fri. 06/22 @ Ozzie's - Nervous Aggression, Don't Wake the Dead, Ernie and the Berts

☠ Nervous Aggression ☠ Don’t Wake the Dead ☠ Ernie and the Berts ☠

Friday June 22nd, 2012 at Ozzie’s Bar & Grill

Fri. 06/23/2012 @ The Fallout Shelter: Ernie and the Berts, Johnnie Lee Jordan, Alex Payne, Joey Molinaro

☢ Ernie and the Berts ☢ Johnnie Lee Jordan ☢ Alex Payne ☢ Joey Molinaro ☢

Saturday June 23rd, 2012 at the Fallout Shelter

Fri. 07/20/2012 @ The Fallout Shelter: OTiS, Scratch n' Sniffs, Ernie and the Berts

☢ OTiS ☢ Scratch n’ Sniffs ☢ Ernie and the Berts ☢

Friday July 20th, 2012 at the Fallout Shelter

As you can see we have a bunch of stuff coming up.  We generally try to be all kinds of fun.  We’re playing with some exciting bands & artists.  We’re playing some new venues & some old favorites.  We’re playing with bands we love & bands we’ve never met.  Each show is an adventure.  Join us!

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The Stickermobile…

Posted on by Standard 3

I saw this the other day at the Giant Eagle in Bridgeville.  It blew my mind.  All of the stickers/magnets were on the driver’s side of the vehicle… there were none on the back or the other side.  I had to take some photos.

The Stickermobile!

Is this what happened when Pimp My Ride went off of the air?

I tried to get a few angles…

Insanity.  You get all that? Let’s analyze some of these stickers and magnets, ignoring the fact that they’re all on one side of the vehicle.  Here we go…

The Stickermobile roundup...

What exactly is going on here?

I’ll try to tackle these dozen highlights one at a time:

  1. Support BP Music, NC State, and they love their dog.  Call me sexist, but I’m assuming this is a woman’s car.  She loves her dog.  BP is Bethel Park, right?  A lot of colleges are represented on this car.
  2. Here we have some refrigerator magnet letters, a penguins sticker, and something unidentifiable.  We can only guess as to what GH, VA, & UP mean.  Go Home?  Virginia?  UP what?  Why are the letters faded to clear?  Did they start out clear, or did UV rays suck out all the pigment?
  3. Here we have two giant Penguin bottle-cap refrigerator magnets, which can only mean twice the support for your hockey team and twice the alcohol problem.
  4. She really loves her dog.  She doesn’t love her van.  Magnets get tiny rocks stuck behind them, and they scratch the paint on your car.  Paint also discolors behind them.
  5. Here we have the troop support ribbon, a probably non licensed Steelers football, and a pink Baby on Board sign.  I say if you have a troop support ribbon on your car with any other ribbons… it negates the gravity of your sentiment.  There’s another ribbon somewhere among all this chaos.  By buying generic “go black and gold” sticker, you are stealing money from the poor underprivileged team that you support.  If your car looks like with all the stickers, I hope you didn’t tattoo one side of the baby you supposedly have on board.
  6. It wouldn't shock me if this dog was in that van.

    It wouldn’t shock me if this dog was in that van.

    West Virginia and Penn State on the same vehicle?  Pitt is in there too.  You are a rather conflicted individual… assuring you’re going to get keyed no matter what school you visit.  I bet college kids love getting picked up in this van.  Also, you love your Pomeranian a little too much.  You’re not into bestiality, are you?  I sure hope you didn’t dye it purple.  Wait.  Is Baby the dog?

  7. Here’s that devotion to Pitt, a faded Pens sticker, a blue Steelers football, a Penn State paw, and a secret coded message with the ‘fridge magnets.  JFLE S ON.  What is Jfle on?  Crack?
  8. Only the best fans have super faded stickers.  Was this a Steelers one, or one for one of the colleges… or high school?
  9. XK? XK.
  10. A Steelers cap, but there’s only one.  Not as devoted as the Pens?  You only drink half as much during football?  There’s something unidentifiable, an M (I think), and something saying something about how you roll.  I think we know how you roll.
  11. Is this a Nascar sticker, or a Sunoco one?
  12. Protesting construction in Pittsburgh?  That’s actually funny.  Perhaps the construction workers would be amused by it when you pass… if they could pick it out of the madness.  This ribbon apparently supports ninjas.

So, what’s your take?  What is this all about?  Is it a statement?  Is it kitsch?  Is it art?  Is it madness?  Is it super fandom?  Is it hoarding?  Is is someone who is banned from putting magnets on the refrigerator at home or a girl that was ever allowed to hang teen heart-throb photos on the wall while growing up?  Is it covering bird poop?  Is it a message for the aliens when they finally arrive?  Hoarders: Sticker And Magnets Edition?  Where is your OBX-like “PGH”, “N@”, “N’at” or “Yinz” sticker?

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One-Stuck Can Opener

Posted on by Standard 15

I have a problem.  The problem is the One-Touch Can Opener.  It’s a rather expensive useless plastic & metal rock.  In fact, they ought to market it as “Pet Rock: With Batteries!”  Maybe an actual rock would be more dependable in opening cans.  We just recently bought our 2nd One-Touch Can Opener.  I have no idea why we’re on a second one.

The first one was fine for a while, but it didn’t get much use unless we were making Nine Can Vegetable Soup or Chili or something where we had to open a bunch of cans at once.  One day a lid got stuck.  The can lid was successfully removed from the can, but remained under the blade of the One Touch.  It remained securely under the blade.  It wouldn’t come out with a gentle pull, or a labored tug.  Pressing the button to try & turn it back on didn’t do anything.  I think I eventually got some pliers to yank it out.  After that (of course) it ceased working.  Perhaps I yanked too hard?

Figuring it was my fault and that I broke it… I bought another.  I thought that the lid getting stuck was a fluke & it didn’t occur to me that it may (would?) happen again.  Boy, was I naive.  It happened again.  This time I didn’t try to dislodge the lid.  I have tried pressing the button.  I gave it several touches, to no avail.  I set it down & took some photos… intending to write to the manufacturer wight a verbose ranting “WTF?” kind of letter.  (You know, my usual.)  The problem being that I couldn’t find the damn manufacturer.

One Touch Can Opener - with Stuck Lid

What a wonderful piece of engineering! What excellent modern technology! I mean… What a blunder of engineering! What excrement passes for modern technology?

One Touch Can Opener - with Stuck Lid (Closeup)

What a grip!

English: A typical "As seen on TV" l...

Unless you were watching another channel.

I mean, I have some pretty cool photos to send, and I had no idea where to send them.  Googling One Touch Can Opener brings up several “As seen on TV” websites.

I emailed one of them, and they basically told me to go fornicate with myself…

From: As Seen On TV Customer Service
To: _____________@_____.___
Sent: Thursday, May 24, 2012 11:50 AM
Subject: One Touch Can Opener [Incident: 120523-000134]

Recently you requested personal assistance from our on-line support center. Below is a summary of your request and our response.

If this issue is not resolved to your satisfaction, you may reopen it within the next 7 days.

Thank you for allowing us to be of service to you.

Subject
—————————————————————
One Touch Can Opener

Discussion Thread
—————————————————————
Response Via Email (Allana) – 05/24/2012 08:50 AM

Dear Eric,

Thank you for your email. We are sorry to inform you that we do not have the referral contact information you seek. Please feel free to do a general web search for more information.

Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you.

Best regards,

Allana
Customer Care Center

Customer By Web Form (Eric Carroll) – 05/23/2012

Hello, can you put me in touch with the manufacturer of the one-touch can opener?  (Email or mailing address preferred.)

I’m having problems with my 2nd one now.  It’s terrible.  The lids keep getting stuck.

https://www.asseenontv.com/one-touch-can-opener/detail.php?p=296306

Thank you,
-Eric

Question Reference #120523-000134
—————————————————————
Category Level 1: Product inquiry
Date Created: 05/23/2012 09:13 AM
Last Updated: 05/24/2012 08:50 AM
Status: Solved
Order Number:

[—001:001194:41928—]

Beans!

It’s great for sitting on top of cans & doing nothing until you press the button 4 times & have 2 false starts. (Photo credit: Carol Browne)

What helpful chaps who stand behind the products they sell!

Taking Allana’s wonderful advice I tried to Google One-Touch Can Opener Manufacturer.  As you can see, there are several possible foreign manufacturing services for this tiny incredible modern convenience.  I think I have it narrowed down though, to the correct one… It appears that Daka manufactures all of the One-Touch Products.

So, I sent them an email:

From: Eric Carroll <____________@_____.___>
To: “USA@onetouchproducts.com” <USA@onetouchproducts.com>; “info@daka.com.hk” <info@daka.com.hk>; “info@onetouchproducts.com” <info@onetouchproducts.com>; “Customerservice@cricketholdings.com” <Customerservice@cricketholdings.com>
Sent: Friday, May 25, 2012
Subject: One-Stuck Can Opener

Ciao Can Conquerors!

I’m writing to you today with an issue that you must have encountered before.  I’m currently on my second One-Touch Can Opener… and it has been incapacitated by a stuck lid.  Please see the attached pictures to literally illustrate my predicament.  As you can see, the lid is still securely in the grasp of the One-Touch Can Opener.  This is not the first time that this has happened to me with this unit.  Sometimes I am able to persuade the can opener to relinquish the lid after an extra press of the button.  This time, all the extra touching is not working.  Right now I am left with what amounts to an expensive plastic and metal rock with batteries on my kitchen counter.  This can-opener-come-rock currently has no purpose (other than annoying me each time I see it).  I have only had it for a month or two.  It has fresh batteries.  Prior to it being rendered useless, it did not get much use.

I had previously owned a One-Touch can opener that eventually encountered the same problem.  I was able to look past the fact that the product named One-Touch took several touches (after many many false starts) to operate.  I was able to handle the fact that would occasionally cut tiny ribbons of the can label and drop it into my food.  The scraps were generally easy to find and pick out.  I was able to accept that it would occasionally tumble off of a can when finished removing the lid, possibly also knocking over the can in the process.  It was still a time saver when making things like my award-winning chili or my easy comfort-food nine can vegetable soup.  (Although, were I a betting man… I would place money on me being faster at opening a can with a P-38 army can opener.)

I had assumed that when I tried to forcibly remove the lid from my first One-Touch can opener I possibly broke something.  It no longer responded to my touch.  I checked the batteries.  I tried different-sized cans.  I tried to use the Force. (I tried the light side at first, and eventually the dark side.  Anger does lead to hate, just like Yoda said.  Hate also eventually led to my wallet suffering.)  All of my peaceful attempts were to no avail.  Perhaps using pliers to savagely pry the lid from the mighty grip of the mindless One-Touch was a bad idea.  I had chalked it up to me being an idiot, and resigned to just purchase a new one.

I did purchase a new one, from Bed Bath & Beyond I believe, and we have arrived at the situation which I presented at the beginning of this email.  I am left with the stuck can lid and useless One-Touch can opener in the attached photos.

I’m not exactly sure what my end game is here.  My plan was to write to you to inform you of the situation, see if there were others who have encountered the same problem, and see what you may offer as a solution.  I would say that acceptable courses of action would include (but are not limited to) the following:

  • Advice as to how to properly get the One-Touch Can Opener to relinquish the can lid that it so dearly embraces.
  • A new improved functioning One-Touch (if that exists).
  • About $20 worth of U.S. Army issued P-38’s or other functioning non-electrical can openers.  I arrived at this figure for roughly (and I’m rounding down): $15 for the One-Touch and $5 for name-brand batteries.

Of course if you would like to offer a more agreeable recompensation, I’m open to suggestions.  I feel that I deserve at least something after two of your products have failed on me in rather rapid succession.  Surely you concur?  Most reasonable people would.

Thank you for your time and assistance.  I look forward to your reply and suggested resolution.  I’m anxious to remove the $20 plastic & metal decorative functionless One-Touch rock from my kitchen counter.

May the Force Be With You,
-Eric
.seitilibasid gninrael fo nuf ekam ot ynnuf ton yllaer s’tI

I hope I get some sort of response.  Until then, I will stick with my favorite can-opener: The P-38.  I will race a functioning One-Touch (if you can find one), and I will win.  It’s simple, small, and for the cost of one One-Touch I can get 50 of them from Ralph’s Army Surplus.  I’d even take a P-51, or an Australian FRED.  My grandma always kept a P-38 inside an old pill bottle in the drawer beside the silverware.  I learned to use that before I learned to cook, I think.

Size comparison of P-51 and P-38 openers

Size comparison of P-51 and P-38 openers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: A can opener that incorporates a smal...

F.R.E.D. – Currently employed by the Australian Army and New Zealand Army in its ration kits. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What kind of can opener do you use?  There is a ridiculous amount of different types of can openers out there.  May I persuade you to not waste your time or money in purchasing a One-Touch?  You will most certainly have to touch it several times.  It’s false advertising.  I feel stupid for having to have purchased two of them before I realized that it was not operator error, but a terrible product.

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Nine Can Vegetable Soup

Posted on by Standard 12

This is an incredibly easy & delicious dinner or lunch.

Well, the name’s misleading.  Sometimes it’s not exactly nine cans.  I’ll give you the recipe as it was given to me…

Nine Can Vegetable Soup

  • 2 cans Hormel chili, any variety
  • 1 can vegetable soup
  • 1 can green beans
  • 1 can sliced new potatoes
  • 1 can mixed vegetables
  • 1 can corn
  • 2 cans diced tomatoes (for extra kick, use a can of tomatoes with green chiles in place of one can of diced tomatoes).

Optional: 1lb ground meat*

Dump the entire contents of every can into the crockpot – liquid and

all.

*Brown turkey or beef and drain and add to veggies in crockpot. Heat on low all day, or on high for less than 2 hours.

Well, sometimes I do it like this…

  1. Hormel Chili with Beans
  2. Hormel Chili with No Beans
  3. Campbell’s Beef With Barley & Vegetables Soup
  4. Campbell’s Vegetable Beef Soup
  5. Cut Green & Wax Beans
  6. Diced New Potatoes
  7. Succotash (Corn & Lima Beans)
  8. Mixed Vegetables with Potatoes
  9. Diced Tomatoes with Basil, Garlic, & Oregano
  10. Petit Diced Tomatoes
Nine Can Vegetable Soup

I didn’t take this picture, or make this soup. This is pretty much what it looks like though. (athomewithkim.com)

Sometimes I add other stuff.  I think I’ve put in Garbanzo Beans, Mexicorn, or

the diced tomatoes with jalapeño or chili peppers, and even plain old navy or black beans.  Sometimes I dump some of the liquid of the cans out.  I like thick soup.

I’ve used ground beef & ground turkey… both work really well.  I’m sure a vegetarian version of this would be easy to make. (Hormel makes a vegetarian chili, you can get vegetarian vegetable soup from Campbell’s, & the ground tofu, seitan, or tempeh would work well… or you could just add more beans or vegetables.)

I just put it into the crock pot on low all day.  Dinner’s ready when you get home!

I like to have it with homemade bread, or over biscuits like a pot pie.  If you’re camping and have a mountain pie iron or if you have en electric sandwich maker that seals the edges you can add some flour to thicken it up or strain it a little to make incredible filling.

I also like the tiny saltine crackers.

A any rate, we make some & it lasts a while… as a main dish, or a side with sandwiches.  It freezes & re-heats easily.

Do you make something like this?

What are some good soup recipes or easy crock-pot recipes?

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