Category Archives: Funny Stuff

Just trying to clarify…

Posted on by Standard 3

Submitted via webform to VO5.com, Alberto.com, & the Unilever US & UK sites.  Maybe I’ll get an answer eventually…

Hello Good Citizens of Earth,

I write to you today with questions about your VO5 clarifying shampoo. I have been using one of the vanilla-smelling Tea Therapy shampoos in a frosted bottle that clearly says “CLARIFYING” on the front.

While I find that the product feels great, was a ridiculously low price, and cleans my hair remarkably well (and my wife likes the smell), I believe that the product label may be misleading. I have used over half of the bottle, and I cannot see through my hair at all yet. It is most definitely not clear, and I deduce thusly that it has indeed not been clarified.

You see, my plan is to become completely invisible as soon as possible, in order to further orchestrate my plan for total world (and lunar) domination.

I had hoped that the clarifying shampoo would take care of my hair, and then I would be able to get something else to cover the rest of my body. Perhaps I could obtain that new invisible jacket that has popped up in the news. I shall set my minions upon research for that. But in the mean time… Do I need to use the entire bottle before any clarifying effects take place?

Any assistance or insight that you may offer would prove extremely valuable, and bode well for your company under my eventual complete control of the world (and moon). Once the planet is mine, I can ensure that VO5 products are the only legal hair care products in the world, and the first to be used on the moon!

Thank you for your time in reading my query and addressing the concerns of your future emperor of the Earth (and moon). I look forward to your response and expected cooperation.

Inquisitively,
-Waldo Lunar
W(aL)D.

This is an old one that I never got a response from, so I tried again.  With some help from Twitter.

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/164815268164542464

https://twitter.com/#!/VO5ExtremeStyle/status/165006779279884288

I did get these so far…

From: <do-not-reply@vo5.com>
Date: Wed, Feb 1, 2012
Subject: Thank you for contacting VO5
To: world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com

Thank you for contacting VO5.

Your correspondence is important to us. Your message has been directed to the appropriate person. If a response is required one will be sent to you shortly. As this is an automated response, please do not reply to this email.

Which roughly translates to “Blah blah blah blah blah.”

From: <UnileverTeam@unilever.com>
Date: Thu, Feb 2, 2012
Subject: Thank you for your message
To: world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com

Dear Sir/Madam

Thank you for contacting Unilever.

Your message will be directed to the appropriate Unilever expert with immediate effect. We try to answer all communications as soon as possible, but please note that in certain cases this may take up to three weeks.

As this is an automated response, please do not reply to this email. However be assured that you will receive a personal reply in due course.

Kind regards,
Customer liaison team Unilever

Which roughly translates to “Blah blah blimey blah blah blah.”

♩♫ Where have all the Quiznos gone? ♬♪

Posted on by Standard 7

Some people are no fun.  Quiznos pretty much refuses to write back to this:

Salutations Sandwich Sultans!

♩♫ Where have all the Quiznos gone? ♬♪  (I imagined that in my head as sung like that “Where Have all the Cowboys Gone” song from the 90’s. – Hopefully you did too!)

I live in & around Pittsburgh PA, and all the Quiznos locations seem to have dried up.  At one point we were over-saturated, then poof!  They were all gone.

What happened?  Was it too easy to open a Quiznos?  Are they deceptively hard to run for a profit?  Is it hard to find good workers?  Certainly you have a better product than Subway and there aren’t many Jimmy John’s, Jersey Mike’s, or Firehouse Subs in the area (yet).

I ask only because I keep receiving emails asking me to come eat at Quiznos… yet there aren’t any near where I live or work, thus eliminating weekday lunch or dinner visits.  This doesn’t discount weekends, but I also don’t find myself near any Quiznos locations when I’m out & about.

This brings me back to by original query; ♩♫ Where have all the Quiznos gone? ♬♪  (Did you hear it this time?)

Inquisitively,
-Waldo

Quiznos

♩♫ Where have all the Quiznos gone? ♬♪

Really, what happened?  That’s all I want to know.  They are actual legitimate (if slightly embarrassing) questions.

I’ve submitted this to their contact form, and haven’t received a reply.  I sent it to some email addresses I had for Quiznos employees, and it bounced back.

They didn’t really answer well via Twitter, as they couldn’t get my whole letter:

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/162938645433688064

https://twitter.com/#!/Quiznos/status/162940367585546240

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/164450783432155136

…and no reply to that last one.  So, I tweeted at a Quiznos that responded with a valid corporate email address…

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/164794357063487490

https://twitter.com/#!/QuiznosRSM/status/164936161679257600

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/165059805118083072

https://twitter.com/#!/QuiznosRSM/status/165117413602496512

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/165164293313150976

…and I got an error message that bounced back saying the following:

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

helpdesk@myquiznos.com

Technical details of permanent failure:
Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the recipient domain. We recommend contacting the other email provider for further information about the cause of this error. The error that the other server returned was: 550 550 5.7.1 <helpdesk@myquiznos.com>: Relay access denied. (state 14).

Weird.  That message (according to a quick Google search) sort of tells me I’ve been marked as spam.  I tired sending from a different email address, but got the same thing.  I may have to print & mail this one.  I wonder if even that will garner a response?

And, I liked Quiznos…

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My Food Allergy Responses Graph

Posted on by Standard 10

Inspired by the Food Allergy Fun graph of responses that Tiffany gets when she tells people her child has a food allergy, I made my own graph.  These are the typical responses that I, as an adult, get when I tell people about my shellfish allergy & try to give a brief description of the dangers of cross-contamination.

Typical Responses When I Explain my Food Allergy & Cross Contamination:

This is what I hear all the time.

Click the graph above for the full-sized image.

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The Actual Best Rock Guitar-Dominated Intros of All Time According to the Ultimate Authority, Me.

Posted on by Standard 13

Well, I said I was gonna do it.  I eventually got around to it.  Here it is.  I guess I should call this something other than “The Actual Best Rock Guitar-Dominated Intros of All Time (Not Chosen by Idiots)”.  But as a mediocre semi-professional guitarist, I am an authority.  Right?

  1. “Master of Puppets” – Metallica ==::: This riff slaps you in the head.  Thunk!  That’s what it does.  To your head.  Maybe it’s not as shrill as “Seek and Destroy” or as renowned as “Enter Sandman”, but it’s a hell of a way to bring you into a song.  There’s no easing, no build-up, just smack smack smack/blazing riffs and screaming about how drugs are bad!
  2. Velvet Revolver - Slash

    Slash

    “Welcome to the Jungle” – Guns N’ Roses ==::: This one owes as much to the delay effect as the riff, but wow it rocks.  It opens up one of my favorite albums.  I had to include it.

  3. “Sweet Child O’ Mine” – Guns N’ Roses ==:::  Legend goes that Slash hated this warm-up riff, and that he thought it sounded like circus music.  It’s a good thing Slash had Axl & the rest of Guns N’ Roses to keep this on around.  Who doesn’t love this playful riff?
  4. “Paranoid” – Black Sabbath ==:::  I play this riff 9 out of 10 times when I pick up a guitar.  Why not?  It’s fun.  Iommi is a genius.  It’s been covered by Megadeth, The Dickies, Avenged Sevenfold, Type O Negative, Green Day, Metallica, and bar bands everywhere.
  5. Toni Iommi playing a true left-handed guitar (...

    Tony Iommi

    “Sabbath Bloody Sabbath” – Black Sabbath ==:::  I always feel like this one is underrated.  Everyone talks about “Iron Man” and “Black Sabbath”, but this is a damn cool riff.  Recognize.  (“Supernaut”, another of my favorites, could go here too…)

  6. “Sunshine of Your Love” – Cream ==:::  It sounds like Clapton is playing an army of guitars here.  I believe Jack Bruce came up wit the riff, inspired by Hendrix.  It’s an incredibly powerful riff.  (Even if you change it like Living Colour did.) It’s iconic.  It’s rock.  It’s blues.  It’s heavy.  It grabs you.
  7. “Rock You Like a Hurricane” – Scorpions ==:::  Here they are.  Everyone my age remembers this riff.  I was never a huge fan, I think I have a greatest hit’s CD, but this riff is still classic.
  8. Stephen Egerton

    Stephen Egerton

    “Long Distance” – All ==:::  It’s my list.  I’ll include killer punk bands if I want.  If you don’t know this riff, you should.  In fact, a bunch of All riffs could go here.  Stephen Egerton has a sound where you know it’s him when he’s on guitar.  He’s got a totally underrated incredible guitar voice.

  9. “Crazy Train” – Ozzy Osbourne  ==:::  It’s in that commercial.  It’s been played by marching bands.  It’s been covered by Pat Boone.  It’s in our collective consciousness.  Randy Rhoads was a madman, and this is an incredible riff.
  10. “London Dungeon” – Misfits  ==::: This is a great gloomy riff, and one of the few things the Misfits churned out that wasn’t a power chord.  I like the recording from the ill-fated 12 Hits From Hell album that never was.  It’s got Bobby & Doyle on guitar, & producer Robbie Alter on guitar overdubs… I dunno who came up with the riff.  It could have even been Glenn or Jerry.

I’m sure if I were to make a list tomorrow, it may contain different songs.  What did I miss?  Give a link to the YouTube video in the comments below.

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Food Allergy Fun | Actual Responses – Food Allergy Fun Graph

Posted on by Standard 7

Sad, but funny.  Food Allergy Fun‘s Tiffany is always good for a giggle.  At least I only have to worry about myself, not a little one.  I could make a similar graph of responses that I encounter when I tell other adults about my food allergy.

Actual Responses – Food Allergy Fun Graph

Actual Responses - Food Allergy Fun Graph

via Food Allergy Fun (click image to go there!)

via Food Allergy Fun: Actual Responses – Food Allergy Fun Graph.

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…blah blah blah Food Allergy blah blah blah blah.

Posted on by Standard 4

Sad, but true.

blah blah blah food allergy blah blah blah blah

Image via Food Allergy Fun

I encourage you to read more at Food Allergy Fun!  Hey, we all have to maintain some sense of humor about food allergies, and when we laugh at excellent cartoons like this, we know we’re all in it together & not alone (like it feels sometimes).

Follow Tiffany on Twitter for more cartoons as they happen!  I’m (obviously) a big fan.

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How to pick a band name (for sadly uncreative musicians):

Posted on by Standard 12

Band names have always been fascinating to me.  They’re rather important for many reasons.  They need to be memorable.  They represent the band on flyers, album covers, in reviews, on T-shirts (& other merch), and anywhere else they can be printed or spoken.

This is why I’m continually surprised by local & national level bands choosing some inconceivably stupid monikers.  (Especially local level bands.)

I realize that it’s a difficult thing to do.  You’re sort of stuck with it once it happens.  (Although, I’ve seen a few bands morph & rename themselves several times.)  A lot of the good ones are already taken.  Metallica is probably the best band name ever as it’s catchy, it’s not something else, and it describes the music.  When you Google Metallica, there’s no mistake as to what you’re going to get.

Some friends & I like to think up band names.  Sometimes we hear a phrase or sentence or word & think (or remark) “…that would be a cool band name.”  It’s important to brainstorm.  Throw all of your goofy ideas at a wall.  See what sticks.

With the internet age upon us, I urge you to use all of the tools at your disposal when naming your band.  Primarily, Google.  Once you have thought of a band name or two, go to Google and type it in the search bar.  Hit search.  Have the idea?

If something comes up & a band is already named that, don’t name your band that.  Seriously.  It takes 3½ seconds to Google something.  You can even use Bing or Yahoo.  If you’re signing up for a website like Reverb Nation or Band Camp or Facebook or even Twitter… and there’s another band there already named what you wanna call your band, change the name of your band rather than having a goofy unmemorable and not even remotely cool url like one of the following:

  • reverbnation.com/[bandname]rocks
  • reverbnation.com/[bandname]1
  • reverbnation.com/[bandname]music
  • reverbnation.com/[bandname]_Pgh

I don’t care if you want to be a hit recording artist, or if you have resigned to just rocking out cover tunes in bars from not until the end of time.  This has been happening since the days of the old MP3.com, MySpace and PureVolume …and it must stop.

Avoiding these things makes your band easily searchable online.  People will give up if they don’t find you right away.  We’re lazy as a species, apparently.  Or we just have short attention spans.

Your band name has to be easily remembered, and your band should be easy to find.  I was in a band called Gasoline Dion.  Google that and nothing comes up except stuff about the band.  Like the name or not (& “get” it or not), it’s easily remembered & easily searchable.  That’s what you need to shoot for.

Maybe later I’ll blog about band name categories & give some examples.

For additional reference:

Have any lists or comments to share?

There is hope for the future of America.

Posted on by Standard 2

Hope indeed.  I laughed out loud.

The Clarks’ lead singer gets schooled at Shaler.  I found it rather amusing, so will a bunch of my local musician friends because we’re all haters.  No idea if this is real or not, but Mr. Madden was talking about it at the beginning of his show today.

https://twitter.com/#!/NickBuzzelli/status/149946580647149568

https://twitter.com/#!/NickBuzzelli/status/149949890347274241

https://twitter.com/#!/NickBuzzelli/status/149947628690489344

https://twitter.com/#!/NickBuzzelli/status/149947708298379265

https://twitter.com/#!/NickBuzzelli/status/149947830453288961

Ha.  I’d pay $5 to sit in homeroom & not go hear the guy from the Clarks if forced to.

Unintentioanlly Humorous Tweet Bot

Posted on by Standard 4

Filter FAIL.

https://twitter.com/#!/AiXeLsyD13/status/149513393445945345

https://twitter.com/#!/ShopSteelCity/status/149532644986724352

https://twitter.com/#!/AiXeLsyD13/status/149535721525477378

https://twitter.com/#!/ShopSteelCity/status/149569683853549568

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Calvin and Hobbes

Posted on by Standard 8

Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin and Hobbes has been popping up over & over on my radar lately.  It was such an incredible strip, and Bill Watterson was awesome for taking such control of his creation.  No Saturday morning cartoons ruining your interpretation of Hobbes, no live action travesties like the Garfield movies.  No licensing, no over-saturation, no Calvin air fresheners.  Just pure, simple, beautifully drawn comic panels with wisdom & wit out the wazoo.

Not that there haven’t been countless Calvin and Hobbes bootleg T-shirts, and the notorious “Calvin peeing” stickers that could express your distaste for anything from a car make to a political figure.  Bill Watterson encouraged me to look at both sides of every issue, taught me many things about friendships, and taught me all about artistic integrity.

Imagination is a powerful tool, and morbid snowmen are the funniest things ever.  I still need to get The Complete Calvin and Hobbes one of these days.

Here are some fun things I’ve found lately:

Originality

Calvin and Hobbes Snow Art Gallery

Snow Sharks

Calvin & Hobbes Snowman Cartoons

Townsfolk

Calvin and Hobbes | Snowmen

Shameless plugs notwithstanding, there’s also the AiXeLsyD song:

And, the “better” quality audio:

Calvin and Hobbes AiXeLsyD – “Calvin & Hobbes”

Please, share your favorite Calvin and Hobbes images, sites, memories, books, quotes, panels, strips, etc. in the comments below!

I’ll start a board on Pinterest.

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