So this morning when trying to get to church, we had an adventure. We cross the city to go there, because it feels like home when we do make it, and it is where I grew up going. Generally, it’s not a bad drive on a Sunday morning.
This morning, we left a little later than we like to because… we have two small children.
No work in the tubes, or even on the Liberty Bridge… except when we got to the ramp for the Blvd. of the Allies and we couldn’t go towards Monroeville.
Up Bigelow Blvd. to Craig St. through Oakland to try to get to Forbes Ave. and get on the Parkway in Squirrel Hill, and we ran into this along the way:
Lady Pittsburgh
I have no idea what this was. She was oblivious to the world around her, happily rolling down the middle of the street on her scooter with absolutely no regard for safety or traffic laws. She eventually got on to the sidewalk, but she was rolling along at about a ½ mile per hour when I pulled up behind her. All I could do was start a “What the…” phrase that I couldn’t finish with children in the car and laugh. We laughed for the rest of the ride to church, and we weren’t done with the obstacles.
Apparently, Forbes was closed off right after the CMU campus for a race today. Out & around to the Edgewood/Swissvale on-ramp to the parkway it was.
Seriously though, I know I’m not a resident of Pittsburgh proper, but I am a resident of Allegheny County. Can we pass some sort of local ordinance that you can’t work on or around two major through-ways to the city at the same damn time?
We got there, and were only a little bit late. The universe was testing my patience today. I hope I passed.
As you can imagine because I’m blogging about it, many questions came to mind. It’s hard to even know where to begin.
We’ll start with the obvious. Who would pay $3 for a VHS cassette of any movie, let alone this movie? I mean Gladiator was a good film… but here is a shortlist of better values available online…
This is just for physical media. I didn’t even look into streaming. I get that not everyone is set up to stream and that some people (myself included) like to put their hands on physical tangible media.
Who has a working VCR? OK. I do, but I’m odd. It’s a VCR/DVD-recorder, and someday I will transfer all of my VHS tapes to DVD (which is already a dead format). Who is still watching video tapes? I mean, watching the old 4:3 aspect ratio drives me nuts these days.
The other side of this… who goes through their stuff, decides they can part with this, and assigns a $3 value to it? I mean, I could see if this was a collector’s item. I have Star Wars on VHS and I’ll probably have it forever, but The Gladiator? Sure, it was a good movie… but not that good. Why were they even still making video tapes in the year 2000?
What do you need that badly that costs $3? This wouldn’t be worth the gas money or the bus fair to meet someone to make the sale.
I have been strapped for cash, but never would think to list what essentially amounts to garbage for a negligible value on a Facebook flea market group. If this sells, I really have a lot of stuff that I need to be listing for under $5 amounts.
So, Axl is everywhere in the rock media world again and 15 year old me reads every stupid article like those it’s those goofy gossip columns in Rip or Metal Edge that used to be one sentence stories with bold rock star names jammed into one long nonsensical paragraph. I’m actually excited to maybe try & see whatever version of Guns N’ Roses eventually ends up in Pittsburgh (if it makes it that long).
#AxlRumors
I even made a parody news article with my last post that fell super flat with no reads or comments. Oh well, my bad.
I know I broke the one rule of blogging by never having regular steady content any more, but work with me here. I want some interaction. Maybe no one cares. I guess we’ll see.
Let’s start some Axl Rose rumors. Use the hashtag #AxlRumors on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or newer cooler social media platforms that I am wholly unaware of but still use hashtags.
You can post the url to your rumor(s) here in the comments, and we’ll see if it gets beyond this little corner of the internet, and if anyone finds their way back here.
Kapish?
I’ll start:
After stints with the reunited GN'R and fronting Axl/DC, Axl Rose will replace the retired Vince Neil and sing for Mötley Rözes. #AxlRumors
Recent reports have surfaced that Guns N’ Roses’ sole founding member and self-proclaimed demigod Axl Rose may have literally leaked tunes to the upcoming GN’R “reunion” album. TMZ has posted but since redacted an audio clip of Axl Rose passing gas taken via iPhone by a fan in an adjacent restroom stall at a roadside rest stop in Tennessee. Lucky listeners may note that the flatulence has a powerful sound that when transcribed as musical notes or tablature would make an incredible guitar riff hearkening back to the Appetite era, and sounds light years heavier anything on Chinese Democracy.
Axl squeezing one out on stage.
The fan asked Rose to autograph a sanitary toilet seat cover, but Rose declined stating that his new boss, Angus, wouldn’t allow it. Further investigation showed that someone had ripped the dispenser off the wall and urinated all over it anyway.
When Ultimate-Guitar.com reached out to Dave Mustaine for comment, Dave enlightened the all of rock and metal fandom…
“Axl and I had the same voice coach right around the time that I was kicked out of Metallica for writing better riffs than Jaymz and being a bigger douche than Lars. I’m great friends with Slash since we used to do heroin together, but I have to say that Axl’s farts make better riffs than the too-low-in-the-mix guitars the last Velvet Revolver album, whatever it was called.”
Dave went on to tell everyone that he wrote all of the essential building blocks for Metallica’s albums up until the black one, and that he could play all of the Metallica Metallica riffs and solos in his sleep with his balls on a Hello Kitty ukulele.
Sebastian Bach tweeted about the news, adding that Axl’s farts not only sound great, but that they smell like fresh roses and have since 1997. He wishes he could maximize his own lower orifice potential and maybe that would finally convince the other guys in Skid Row to take him back.
Slash and Duff McKagan could not be reached for comment. Dizzy Reed and Gilby Clarke tried to comment, but no one would listen. Steven Alder has an upcoming exclusive interview with the every-other-week best-sale-ever flyer from Guitar Center, keep reading with us for updates when we steal that story before doing any fact-checking.
Matt Sorum still wants to punch Axl in the face, but would take the gig with Axl/DC if the current drummer tries to kill anyone. He has been asking Rush if he can join their band.
Axl has also been rumored to be singing for Queen(to be billed as Rocket Queen), and for Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones, & Jason Bonham in a project billed as Red Zeppelin since Robert Plant won’t return any of their calls. Rose’s trash collector’s brother denies rumors of Axl fronting a Dio-era Black Sabbath/Heaven & Hell tribute tour which may or may not include Bill Ward.
In related news, a special episode of ABC’s Celebrity Wife Swap will have Joe Perry and Slash trade places for a week to see how the other guy deals with each other’s wives & bands for two weeks on tour.
I never emailed these names. Seriously. Someone must have sent Jon the text of my blog, or a link to my blog. My original email contained the names which I then changed to something I thought would be ridiculous and obvious, so I didn’t accidentally call out another real employee.
Am I being trolled?
On Thursday, November 19, 2015 8:54 PM, “0503, BER” <Unit_503@bobevans.com> wrote:
Hello,
I am following up on a bad review that we had charge to our store. I was hoping to get some more information, as we believed our location received this review in error. We don’t have servers by either name mentioned in the review (Maleficient and Lincoln), and would like to find out which store you were actually at. Then we can send this along to them, so that they can address these issues. Thank you for your time.
Jon Herrmann
General Manager
Bob Evans #503
Bridgeville, PA
(412) 257-1369
Shenanigans. ☘
I wrote back. Nothing interesting besides pointing out that I never sent those names in an email.
I also got an email from LeAnn confirming our Dormont address, so I passed along the new one. I wonder if I’ll get a T-shirt?
If it’s gift certificates, does anyone know of a charity that accepts them or of a family in need?
Maybe they’re sending someone to dispatch of me. Maybe I should ask King’s to weigh in?
So, did you read about our most recent experience with a waitress we’ll call Maleficent at the local Bob Evans? If not, you may want to read that first.
I recently got the expected response from Bob Evans, and it’s nowhere near as enthusiastic as last time. They are probably more displeased with my over-the-top approach to storytelling than the actions of Maleficent.
——– Original message ——–
From: “Barga, Leann D.”
Date: 11/11/2015 9:23 AM (GMT-05:00)
To: me@my.email.address
Subject: Bob Evans – Reference # 1106568
Good Morning Eric,
I am so sorry to hear that you recently had a poor experience at our Bridgeville location. The behavior demonstrated by one of our servers was unacceptable, and for that we truly apologize. We expect all of our employees to treat our guests like family, and want our guests to be completely satisfied – it is clear that we let you down with your initial server during this visit.
On the other hand, I am happy to hear that Lincoln ‘saved the day’ and made the rest of your time with us an enjoyable one.
I will be sharing your comments with the general manager and area coach of this location so any necessary action can be taken to ensure that all of our servers are meeting our and our guests expectations.
It seems that Leanne is still rocking it with Bob Evans, now with a new name. I hope she is doing well!
Not sure what this means (if anything) for Maleficent and Lincoln. Will anything actually be said? Will general management or area coaches write back to me directly? Will I get a dirty look from Maleficent next time we’re there? Hopefully Lincoln is on the clock.
I love the Misfits. You may or may not love the Misfits. They have some great songs. They have some really great songs beyond the confines of the Misfits. There also exists many terrible terrible things under the Fiend Club umbrella.
We’re going to play a game.
Which is the worst?
Please, spill some fanboy tears and discuss. I’d love you to elaborate on your answers, and maybe even point out something I’ve missed.
If we’re making cartoon body parts, I predict the nose is next… then maybe a talking feminine hygiene product, then the talking penis will arrive. We’ll get a talking penis before we get a talking vagina. Maybe boobs will win the race. Boobs always win. But, we’ve had boobs in advertising for years. We don’t really need singing cartoon boobs. (OK, maybe we do.)
Maybe it’ll be an inchworm or caterpillar, or even a hot dog, but it will undoubtedly be standing (pun intended) for a penis. Remember the ads for a lady’s razor that showed triangle-shaped topiary trees? We’re not far off. I don’t know if the penis will be advertising more boner pills (do they really need advertised?), underwear, a jock strap, jock itch, a manscaping product (is that still a thing?), or something new that we didn’t know we needed.
I’m calling it now. Soon, before traditional TV is relegated to the level of relevance of AM radio… we’ll see a talking cartoon penis trying to sell you something.
What do you think? Did I miss any other signs of the coming advertising cockpocalypse? Has there already been a talking ding dong in a commercial? Have I missed any other anthropomorphized body parts, bodily fluids, or abhorrent infections? Do you think a singing hemorrhoid or some testicles having a conversation with each other will be first? Will it be an animated sperm first? I think that still counts as a win for me. Let me know if I’m right on the direction we’re headed…
Oprah Money & Dick Cheney Power – This could be the cover, because… Why not?
OK, so if I had Oprah money and Dick Cheney power, and could treat other human beings like my own personal play things… I would commission two local Pittsburgh metal bands to do an epic cover split. Do bands that aren’t punk bands do splits? Well, they will if they’re my playthings.
Why? Why not? I love obscure and nonsensical covers. I like these bands. They would probably not want any part of this. I mean, guys in bands LOVE it when you go up to them and spew out “You know what song you guys should cover?” then ramble off dumb ideas like this.
Witches gather at black masses
Bodies burning in red ashes
On the hill the church in ruin
Is the scene of evil doings
It’s a place for all bad sinners
Watch them eating dead rats’ innards
I guess it’s the same wherever you may go
Oh Lord yeah
Carry banners which denounce the lord
See me rocking in my grave
See them anoint my head with dead rat’s blood
See them stick the stake through me
Oh
Don’t hold me back cause I’ve just gotta go
They’ve got a hold of my soul now
Lords got my brain instinct with blood obscene
Look in my eyes I’m there enough
Yeah
On the scene a priest appears
Sinners falling at his knees
Satan sends out funeral pyre
Casts the priest into the fire
It’s the place for all bad sinners
Watch them eating dead rats’ innards
I guess it’s the same wherever you may go
Oh lord yeah
Because Mutiny on the Bounty’s what we’re all about
I’m gonna board your ship and turn it on out
No soft sucker with a parrot on his shoulder
‘Cause I’m bad gettin’ bolder, cold cold gettin’ colder
Terrorizin’ suckers on the seven seas
And if you’ve got beef, you get capped in the knees
We got sixteen men on a dead man’s chest
And I shot those suckers and I’ll shoot the rest
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
‘Cause I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Shh! Snatchin’ gold chains, vikin’ pieces of eight
I got your money and your honey and the fly name plate
We got wenches on the benches and bitties with titties
Housin’ all girlies from city to city
One for all and all for one
Takin’ out MC’s with a big shotgun
All for one and one for all
Because the Beastie Boys have gone A.W.O.L
Friggin’ in the riggin’, man, cuttin’ your throat
Big bitin’ suckers gettin’ thrown in the moat
We got maidens and wenches, man they’re on the ace
Captain Bligh’s gonna die when we break his face
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Torchin’ and crackin’ and rhymin’ and stealin’
Robbin’ and rapin’, bustin’ two in the ceilin’
I’m wheelin’, I’m dealin’, I’m drinkin’, not thinkin’
Never cower, never shower and I’m always stinkin’
Yo ho ho and a pint of Brass Monkey
And when my girlie shakes her hips she sure gets funky
Skirt chasin’, free basin’, killin’ every village
We drink and rob and rhyme and pillage
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
I was drinkin’ my rum, a deaf son of a gun
I fought the law and I cold won
Black Beard’s weak, Moby Dick’s on the tick
‘Cause I pull out the jammy and I squeeze off six
My pistol is loaded, I shot Betty Crocker
Deliver Colonel Sanders down to Davey Jones’ locker
Rhymin’ and stealin’ in a drunken state
And I’ll be rockin’ my rhymes all the way to hell’s gate
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
‘Cause I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most chillinest b-boy
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most killingest b-boy
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most dustin’ out b-boy, I’m tossin’ my dust
Most finkinest b-boy, I’m doin’ that finkin’
Most rhyminest b-boy, I’m stretchin’ my shade
Most shootinest b-boy, I think you’re shit
Most rhyminest b-boy, I’ll steal your shit homeboy
Most taxinest b-boy, I’ll tax you boy
Most illingest illingest illingest b-boy
Taxin’ all y’all squares, yeah!
Maybe change “b-boy” to “pirate” or something? Bandit? Looter? Outlaw? Maybe the line “Because the Beastie Boys have gone A.W.O.L” to “‘Cause the Bloody Seamen have gone A.W.O.L”? I’d pee my pants if I heard you all rapping.
So what would it take, guys? Can we get a Kickstarter going, or what?
OK, so TLC never got back to me about Missionaries Impossible (where Mormons & Jehovah’s Witnesses try to convert each other), but I will not let complete and total failure or lack of any interest in actually following up on these sorts of things keep me from writing a blog about my newest idea.
All I’d need would be a car with cameras all over it. I could drive it around for a week and have enough footage for an entire season of shows. All I would have to do is drive the speed limit, and obey all traffic laws… then watch everyone around be driven completely insane by that type of apparently abnormal behavior.
Get some people to edit it, you have a super low-cost hit. You wouldn’t even need a narrator. Just get some clips of Samuel L. Jackson swearing & we can edit them all in.
World (and Lunar) Domination 