So, Axl is everywhere in the rock media world again and 15 year old me reads every stupid article like those it’s those goofy gossip columns in Rip or Metal Edge that used to be one sentence stories with bold rock star names jammed into one long nonsensical paragraph. I’m actually excited to maybe try & see whatever version of Guns N’ Roses eventually ends up in Pittsburgh (if it makes it that long).
#AxlRumors
I even made a parody news article with my last post that fell super flat with no reads or comments. Oh well, my bad.
I know I broke the one rule of blogging by never having regular steady content any more, but work with me here. I want some interaction. Maybe no one cares. I guess we’ll see.
Let’s start some Axl Rose rumors. Use the hashtag #AxlRumors on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or newer cooler social media platforms that I am wholly unaware of but still use hashtags.
You can post the url to your rumor(s) here in the comments, and we’ll see if it gets beyond this little corner of the internet, and if anyone finds their way back here.
Kapish?
I’ll start:
After stints with the reunited GN'R and fronting Axl/DC, Axl Rose will replace the retired Vince Neil and sing for Mötley Rözes. #AxlRumors
Recent reports have surfaced that Guns N’ Roses’ sole founding member and self-proclaimed demigod Axl Rose may have literally leaked tunes to the upcoming GN’R “reunion” album. TMZ has posted but since redacted an audio clip of Axl Rose passing gas taken via iPhone by a fan in an adjacent restroom stall at a roadside rest stop in Tennessee. Lucky listeners may note that the flatulence has a powerful sound that when transcribed as musical notes or tablature would make an incredible guitar riff hearkening back to the Appetite era, and sounds light years heavier anything on Chinese Democracy.
Axl squeezing one out on stage.
The fan asked Rose to autograph a sanitary toilet seat cover, but Rose declined stating that his new boss, Angus, wouldn’t allow it. Further investigation showed that someone had ripped the dispenser off the wall and urinated all over it anyway.
When Ultimate-Guitar.com reached out to Dave Mustaine for comment, Dave enlightened the all of rock and metal fandom…
“Axl and I had the same voice coach right around the time that I was kicked out of Metallica for writing better riffs than Jaymz and being a bigger douche than Lars. I’m great friends with Slash since we used to do heroin together, but I have to say that Axl’s farts make better riffs than the too-low-in-the-mix guitars the last Velvet Revolver album, whatever it was called.”
Dave went on to tell everyone that he wrote all of the essential building blocks for Metallica’s albums up until the black one, and that he could play all of the Metallica Metallica riffs and solos in his sleep with his balls on a Hello Kitty ukulele.
Sebastian Bach tweeted about the news, adding that Axl’s farts not only sound great, but that they smell like fresh roses and have since 1997. He wishes he could maximize his own lower orifice potential and maybe that would finally convince the other guys in Skid Row to take him back.
Slash and Duff McKagan could not be reached for comment. Dizzy Reed and Gilby Clarke tried to comment, but no one would listen. Steven Alder has an upcoming exclusive interview with the every-other-week best-sale-ever flyer from Guitar Center, keep reading with us for updates when we steal that story before doing any fact-checking.
Matt Sorum still wants to punch Axl in the face, but would take the gig with Axl/DC if the current drummer tries to kill anyone. He has been asking Rush if he can join their band.
Axl has also been rumored to be singing for Queen(to be billed as Rocket Queen), and for Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones, & Jason Bonham in a project billed as Red Zeppelin since Robert Plant won’t return any of their calls. Rose’s trash collector’s brother denies rumors of Axl fronting a Dio-era Black Sabbath/Heaven & Hell tribute tour which may or may not include Bill Ward.
In related news, a special episode of ABC’s Celebrity Wife Swap will have Joe Perry and Slash trade places for a week to see how the other guy deals with each other’s wives & bands for two weeks on tour.
Ask A Pittsburgh Expert: Best Ways To Discover New Music
I was recently asked to put together some thoughts on discovering new music for an article on CBS Local Pittsburgh. The article is now up!
Please take the time to check out the article by local blogger Jennifer Stockdale and share your thoughts here (or on the Facebook link) on how you discover new music:
Comments aren’t available on the CBS Local article for some reason, but please share your ways of discovering new music here, or share a link to the main article on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, or whatever to start your own discussion amongst your friends and peers.
Most importantly, the take-away is that I may now be considered an expert for all of your musical discovery needs.
Kyle Dine is an incredibly talented and extremely creative children’s entertainer. He also wields the utmost authority on living life while coping with food allergies as he has multiple food allergies himself and is a successful world-travelled musical educator.
These expertly crafted videos are full of incredibly fun and catchy age-appropriate songs and lessons about having food allergies. How to avoid your trigger foods, hand washing, always carrying your auto-injector, and how to quickly reach out for help if necessary are just some of the topics not only touched upon but driven home by Kyle and his puppet friends.
As an adult with a severe food allergy I am so glad that this type of resource is available for the ever-growing “club” of the food allergic. As a parent of a child with food allergies, this is an invaluable tool to help teach a toddler turning into a pre-schooler about the importance of not eating food unless it’s OK’d by mommy or daddy, and for her to let us know immediately if she is having a reaction. Luckily she loves to wash her hands, so we’ve got that covered. These lessons are delivered in the fine tradition of children’s programming like Sesame Street or Mr. Rogers, and they work. Both of my kids were moving to the music upon our first viewing!
I not only recommend this for food allergy families, but I would say that extended family who may not understand food allergies, your child’s friends and their parents, and organizations like schools, churches, camps, & clubs could all benefit from the knowledge and entertainment provided by this set of DVD’s. This programming ought to play on constant rotation in your family’s pediatric allergist’s office waiting room.
This can and will serve as an incredibly fun way to open the door to creating a fun, safe, and confident approach to living with food allergies.
I love the Misfits. You may or may not love the Misfits. They have some great songs. They have some really great songs beyond the confines of the Misfits. There also exists many terrible terrible things under the Fiend Club umbrella.
We’re going to play a game.
Which is the worst?
Please, spill some fanboy tears and discuss. I’d love you to elaborate on your answers, and maybe even point out something I’ve missed.
Besides being awesome new (to me) enjoyable punk rock, I feel like it served as some sort of cosmic reminder, warning, or inspiration. Not only to me, but to everyone who happens to read this.
Not feeling a bunch of paragraphs today, so I will hit you with a bulleted list.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you “no.” Don’t let anyone else set your limits. You can do whatever you set your mind to, and tell them to shove it.
Don’t let anyone put you in a category. If you feel like you’re different because of your gender, race, orientation, religion, or a disability… own it, don’t let it own you.
A little railing against convention, society, or any set standard is good for everybody. Punk rock can be all about a healthy expression of primal aggression.
Learning about the lives of others who have things differently than you is incredibly enlightening.
Someone with special needs like Down Syndrome or Autism with different abilities ought not be an object of derision. They have thoughts, feelings, and aspirations just like you. They get pissed off just like you. They rock just like yo
Shattering expectations is the most badass thing you can do.
I’m sure there’s more, but you get my point. Notice little things like this in life. Be thankful for your insight. Be thankful that there are others out there reminding you to put forth your best effort. Learn something or learn about something often. Make some noise that gets heard.
Oprah Money & Dick Cheney Power – This could be the cover, because… Why not?
OK, so if I had Oprah money and Dick Cheney power, and could treat other human beings like my own personal play things… I would commission two local Pittsburgh metal bands to do an epic cover split. Do bands that aren’t punk bands do splits? Well, they will if they’re my playthings.
Why? Why not? I love obscure and nonsensical covers. I like these bands. They would probably not want any part of this. I mean, guys in bands LOVE it when you go up to them and spew out “You know what song you guys should cover?” then ramble off dumb ideas like this.
Witches gather at black masses
Bodies burning in red ashes
On the hill the church in ruin
Is the scene of evil doings
It’s a place for all bad sinners
Watch them eating dead rats’ innards
I guess it’s the same wherever you may go
Oh Lord yeah
Carry banners which denounce the lord
See me rocking in my grave
See them anoint my head with dead rat’s blood
See them stick the stake through me
Oh
Don’t hold me back cause I’ve just gotta go
They’ve got a hold of my soul now
Lords got my brain instinct with blood obscene
Look in my eyes I’m there enough
Yeah
On the scene a priest appears
Sinners falling at his knees
Satan sends out funeral pyre
Casts the priest into the fire
It’s the place for all bad sinners
Watch them eating dead rats’ innards
I guess it’s the same wherever you may go
Oh lord yeah
Because Mutiny on the Bounty’s what we’re all about
I’m gonna board your ship and turn it on out
No soft sucker with a parrot on his shoulder
‘Cause I’m bad gettin’ bolder, cold cold gettin’ colder
Terrorizin’ suckers on the seven seas
And if you’ve got beef, you get capped in the knees
We got sixteen men on a dead man’s chest
And I shot those suckers and I’ll shoot the rest
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
‘Cause I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Shh! Snatchin’ gold chains, vikin’ pieces of eight
I got your money and your honey and the fly name plate
We got wenches on the benches and bitties with titties
Housin’ all girlies from city to city
One for all and all for one
Takin’ out MC’s with a big shotgun
All for one and one for all
Because the Beastie Boys have gone A.W.O.L
Friggin’ in the riggin’, man, cuttin’ your throat
Big bitin’ suckers gettin’ thrown in the moat
We got maidens and wenches, man they’re on the ace
Captain Bligh’s gonna die when we break his face
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Torchin’ and crackin’ and rhymin’ and stealin’
Robbin’ and rapin’, bustin’ two in the ceilin’
I’m wheelin’, I’m dealin’, I’m drinkin’, not thinkin’
Never cower, never shower and I’m always stinkin’
Yo ho ho and a pint of Brass Monkey
And when my girlie shakes her hips she sure gets funky
Skirt chasin’, free basin’, killin’ every village
We drink and rob and rhyme and pillage
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
I was drinkin’ my rum, a deaf son of a gun
I fought the law and I cold won
Black Beard’s weak, Moby Dick’s on the tick
‘Cause I pull out the jammy and I squeeze off six
My pistol is loaded, I shot Betty Crocker
Deliver Colonel Sanders down to Davey Jones’ locker
Rhymin’ and stealin’ in a drunken state
And I’ll be rockin’ my rhymes all the way to hell’s gate
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
‘Cause I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most chillinest b-boy
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most killingest b-boy
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most dustin’ out b-boy, I’m tossin’ my dust
Most finkinest b-boy, I’m doin’ that finkin’
Most rhyminest b-boy, I’m stretchin’ my shade
Most shootinest b-boy, I think you’re shit
Most rhyminest b-boy, I’ll steal your shit homeboy
Most taxinest b-boy, I’ll tax you boy
Most illingest illingest illingest b-boy
Taxin’ all y’all squares, yeah!
Maybe change “b-boy” to “pirate” or something? Bandit? Looter? Outlaw? Maybe the line “Because the Beastie Boys have gone A.W.O.L” to “‘Cause the Bloody Seamen have gone A.W.O.L”? I’d pee my pants if I heard you all rapping.
So what would it take, guys? Can we get a Kickstarter going, or what?
World (and Lunar) Domination 