Category Archives: W(aL)D

♩♫ Where have all the Quiznos gone? ♬♪

Posted on by Standard 7

Some people are no fun.  Quiznos pretty much refuses to write back to this:

Salutations Sandwich Sultans!

♩♫ Where have all the Quiznos gone? ♬♪  (I imagined that in my head as sung like that “Where Have all the Cowboys Gone” song from the 90’s. – Hopefully you did too!)

I live in & around Pittsburgh PA, and all the Quiznos locations seem to have dried up.  At one point we were over-saturated, then poof!  They were all gone.

What happened?  Was it too easy to open a Quiznos?  Are they deceptively hard to run for a profit?  Is it hard to find good workers?  Certainly you have a better product than Subway and there aren’t many Jimmy John’s, Jersey Mike’s, or Firehouse Subs in the area (yet).

I ask only because I keep receiving emails asking me to come eat at Quiznos… yet there aren’t any near where I live or work, thus eliminating weekday lunch or dinner visits.  This doesn’t discount weekends, but I also don’t find myself near any Quiznos locations when I’m out & about.

This brings me back to by original query; ♩♫ Where have all the Quiznos gone? ♬♪  (Did you hear it this time?)

Inquisitively,
-Waldo

Quiznos

♩♫ Where have all the Quiznos gone? ♬♪

Really, what happened?  That’s all I want to know.  They are actual legitimate (if slightly embarrassing) questions.

I’ve submitted this to their contact form, and haven’t received a reply.  I sent it to some email addresses I had for Quiznos employees, and it bounced back.

They didn’t really answer well via Twitter, as they couldn’t get my whole letter:

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/162938645433688064

https://twitter.com/#!/Quiznos/status/162940367585546240

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/164450783432155136

…and no reply to that last one.  So, I tweeted at a Quiznos that responded with a valid corporate email address…

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/164794357063487490

https://twitter.com/#!/QuiznosRSM/status/164936161679257600

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/165059805118083072

https://twitter.com/#!/QuiznosRSM/status/165117413602496512

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/165164293313150976

…and I got an error message that bounced back saying the following:

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

helpdesk@myquiznos.com

Technical details of permanent failure:
Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the recipient domain. We recommend contacting the other email provider for further information about the cause of this error. The error that the other server returned was: 550 550 5.7.1 <helpdesk@myquiznos.com>: Relay access denied. (state 14).

Weird.  That message (according to a quick Google search) sort of tells me I’ve been marked as spam.  I tired sending from a different email address, but got the same thing.  I may have to print & mail this one.  I wonder if even that will garner a response?

And, I liked Quiznos…

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Your favorite pizza sucks, my favorite pizza rules! (Part 3)

Posted on by Standard 6

CHAINS.  I wanted to tackle the prominent area pizza chains for part 3.  (You read parts 1 & 2, right?) I’m really not supposed to eat pizza right now thanks to recently diagnosed GERD/Acid Reflux/Barret’s Esophagus, but I have eaten many pizzas from these many chains over the years.  I’m going to be extra picky about my pizza from now on.  I’ll probably stick with Slice on Broadway and Aiello’s.  But the event may come up where I need to pick a chain place again, and here’s where they fall…

Fox's Pizza Den on UrbanspoonFox’s (or Fox’s Pizza Den) is pretty good.  The different locations aren’t always consistent, but when you find a good one… stick with it!  I really dig the one in Bridgeville as of late, but the one closest to home is the one in Brookline.  I grew up on Fox’s in Murrysville, as it was the only place who would deliver to my house out in the boonies.  I don’t know if Fox’s recently revamped their UrbanSpoon profiles or what, but I know I’ve reviewed the one in Brookline, but it’s not there.  Their pages all seem to have little to no reviews or votes.  I remember going on & on about the wedgies.  In fact, I found it at another source…

WedgieGimme a Wedgie!
It’s not the sick twisted fantasies of a nerd that likes being dominated by bullies…  It’s a call to order the best #%@$ing sandwich you’ve ever had.  It’s served up on a pizza crust instead of a bun.  How awesome is that?  The steak one is my favorite, but I’ve never seen one that doesn’t look appetizing.  Just make sure you’ve got plenty of napkins on hand.

Their pizza is pretty damn good too.  There was a Fox’s near where I grew up in the suburbs, but they never had a menu this vast.  I sometimes end up getting the fried zucchini or the potato wedges… but really can’t ever eat anything after finishing a whole wedgie.  In fact, my wife & I even sometimes just split one to avoid over-stuffing.  Ordering for delivery is usually the standard half hour to 45 min., and they’re usually there before they said they were going to be… so that’s a plus.  You can’t go wrong with Fox’s.

Vocelli Pizza (Dormont) on Urbanspoon

Vocelli Pizza is another one that must have purged old UrbanSpoon reviews.  There’s virtually nothing there.  I used to love Vocelli’s, even if they’re just named after a made up Italian sounding word.  The service at the local one went down hill, and this is what it used to say on UrbanSpoon:

I used to love this place, & would order quite frequently.  But, the last time we got a Buffalo chicken pizza, there was hair on it.  My wife called & told them, they said they’d send a coupon for a free one next time.  We never got any coupons, and were hungry for their food again… so I got a stromboli and the wife got a buffalo chicken pizza… and the pizza had hair on it again.  She found it (luckily) on the first bite.  So, she called the call center. She of course, didn’t eat any more, so we could show them.  The delivery boy showed up… was incredibly rude, didn’t look at the old pizza, and practically threw the new one at my wife.

I don’t know why he took it personally… I was gonna tip him for coming out the 2nd time because he didn’t put hair on the pizza… but with actions/service like that, they can shove it.  I always tried to tip well too, as we (used to) get pizza form there all the time.  This was enough to end it.  There’s plenty of other pizza shops around, apparently they don’t need our business, anyway.  Hair in a pizza once?  I can see it happening.  Twice within the span of a month or two?  That’s just absolutely ridiculous.

So… in closing, I’d say what used to be a great place has now sunken to a.) being filthy, and b.) having terrible customer service.

…but in all fairness, after a while we did go back & they seemed to have weeded out the bad employees.  I’ve also tried their artery-clogging Alfredo sauce on a pizza, and loved it.  My triglycerides did not.  I do like Vocelli’s normal sauce, and they generally make a consistent pie & decent subs.  If you’re ordering for a crowd, I’d say Vocelli Pizza is an across-the-board crowd-pleaser.

Vocelli Pizza

''Vocelli?'' Sure, that sounds Italian enough!

Papa John's Pizza on UrbanspoonPapa John’s rules with their online ordering.  The sauce isn’t quite as good as Vocelli’s, but they do always give you the tasty garlic dipping sauce and a Peperoncini.  They do rock as far as consistency.  You know what you’re getting every time.  I wish they had subs, I always like to get subs… especially turkey, or sometimes you’re in the mood for a pizza-shop Italian sub.  But then again, maybe they just want to focus on pizza & doing it well.  Check out these amusing blog posts about Papa John’s:

Little Caesars Pizza on UrbanspoonLittle Caesar’s, what the hell happened?  When I was a young lad, we would pickup a pizza after we left Network Video (a place where you rented VHS tapes for the kids out there), we’d pop into Little Caesar’s for what I think was called a Bigfoot… two big-ass square pizzas side by side?  I’d always want breadsticks, because I have an unnatural love for carbs.  I was sad when Little Caesar’s all but disappeared and was relegated to Kmart stores for some strange reason.  When there was a recent resurgence, and a subsequent person paid to stand on West Liberty Ave. and sling a Little Caesar’s sign… I was excited.  We tried the new incredibly cheap pies one night… and they were terrible.  The sauce is definitely much more bitter than I remember, and perhaps in my old age I forgot about all the grease that adorns (soaks) their crust.  I still like the breadsticks, and $5 is pretty good for the amount that they give you, but $5 of crap is still crap.  If I’m in the mood for punishment, need an immediate meal, and it’s a week where I need to pay for dinner with couch change, I may go back.

Cici's Pizza - Bridgeville on UrbanspoonCiCi’s ought to change the name to CaCa’s.  I’ve only ever been there once, but that’s all I need.  Wow.  It was like eating wax & tomato soup spread out over crackers.  Who cares if it’s cheap and all-you-can-eat when it’s absolutely terrible nutrition?  My high school cafeteria served better pizza, and even better pizza imitation food.  I think there was a salad bar, and an unholy “mac n’ cheese” pizza.  I don’t remember much other than the dried crusty partial pies getting tanned under the hot lights and maybe even someone shouting a welcome when we walked in.  I just wanted to leave but had paid and tried to just stay & eat my few dollars worth.  CiCi’s won that day.  There’s no way I had eaten more of that crap than hat I paid for.

Pizza Hut on UrbanspoonPizza Hut causes me great gastrointestinal distress.  Every few years, I forget and enter a Pizza Hut thinking “ah, it wasn’t that bad”.  Yes, yes it is.  Perhaps I hit an age long ago where Pizza Hut was no longer compatible with my intestines.  Perhaps I was really slow to learn the pattern.  We didn’t do Pizza Hut too much when I was growing up.  Maybe I never built up a tolerance/immunity.  The pizza itself isn’t bad, I’ve had the personal pan, the normal pies, a few lunch buffets… they generally have a good crust & good flavor… albeit greasy.  It’s just that their pie unleashes itself like an assault team on my digestive system.  The one in Greentree is the last one that I visited.  The service was slow, and I didn’t feel welcomed at all.  Hopefully it steels my resolve to skip Pizza Hut in the future.

Pizza Hut Maze

A letter within a maze, for my pals at Pizza Hut. (They never did write back!)

I’ve dealt with Pizza Hut many times in the past…

Ridiculous.

Avoid the Noid

Avoid the Noid!

I know I missed Domino’s, but I was never impressed with their pies… and there’s never one around where I’m ordering.  I did like the Noid commercials back in the day though.  I haven’t tried their revamped pies.  I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

Did I miss your favorite chain pizza?  Did I miss your most reviled?

Take the poll, it’s only open for a week!

Related articles

I’m not Kmart.

Posted on by Standard 12

This is a logo for Kmart Australia.

Are YOU Kmart Smart?

Apparently, the difference between an address bar, a search box, and a To field are entirely lost on a certain segment of the population.  That’s OK, because those people are here for our amusement.  I believe this kind of thing may sort of be the fault of a smartphone, but maybe I’m giving too much credit there.  I’m still lost on the exact chain of events, but this came through my blog’s contact form:

From: Mckiver <mckiver317@gmail.com>
To:  <me>
Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012
Subject: W(aL)D Feedback

Name: Mckiver
Email: mckiver317@gmail.com
Website: http://google
Message / Comment: January 16, 2012

Hello!  I have an Award Card.  My Award Card’s validation date is 12/05/11 – 12/09/11.  I would like to know if my Award Card can still be used?  If not, I would like to know if I can exchange this gift card for a new valid one?  I also want to know the valid amount on my gift card (if any)?

Thank You,

Please email your reply/answer to me at:
mckiver317@gmail.com
or
mckiver317@hotmail.com

Thanks Again!

How’d you find my blog?: I found this  blog on the back of my Kmart Award Card.

Time: Monday January 16, 2012 at
IP Address: 00.000.000.000
Contact Form URL: https://aixelsyd13.wordpress.com/contact/
Sent by an unverified visitor to your site.

Again with this crap:  “How’d you find my blog?: I found this  blog on the back of my Kmart Award Card.”  No, I’m pretty sure you didn’t.  But, you’re here anyway.

So, I wrote back…

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, Jan 17, 2012
Subject: Re: W(aL)D Feedback (Not Kmart)
To: Mckiver, mckiver317@hotmail.com

Hello Mr. or Ms. McKiver,

I just wanted to write to let you know that I’m not Kmart.  I believe you found a blog post that I wrote about Kmart, then somehow navigated to my blog’s contact form to send this email.  Perhaps you searched for “www.kmartfeedback.com” instead of using the url bar, and it brought you to my blog?  Or perhaps you searched for “help@customerservice.kmart.com” instead of sending an email?  Were you maybe browsing on your phone?

Unfortunately I am unable to assist with your awards card query.  I am also not McDonald’s.  Good luck in your quest for information, I hope that Kmart is able to provide an agreeable answer.  Hopefully they are more responsive than my dealings with Pizza Hut.

Rock and Roll, my friend!
-W(aL)D

I never got a reply.  Perhaps they were embarrassed, …or just incredibly computer illiterate?  So I tried to nudge one:

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Jan 20, 2012
Subject: Re: W(aL)D Feedback (Not Kmart)
To: Mckiver , mckiver317@hotmail.com
Cc: help@customerservice.kmart.com

Hello McKiver,

I hadn’t heard back from you, and I was worried that you had given up in your quest for award card information.  Did Kmart get a hold of you?  I Cc’ed them on the email hoping they’d step in & deliver your information.  I hadn’t received a thank you from them for trying to help out a Kmart shopper, so I was a little discouraged.

If you were able to use your gift card, what did you buy?  Anything exciting?  Last time I was at Kmart, I bought some really warm socks.  They’re nice this time of year.  I like to keep my feet warm.

Does your Kmart have a Little Caesar’s out front?  I remember their pizza used to be awesome, but now it tastes like tomato paste spread over cardboard & covered in wax chips.  Someone ought to look into that.  Yeah, it’s only $5… but my $5 was hard-earned, and I’m not going to spend it eating a turd, you know?

In conclusion, I’d suggest socks, not pizza for your award/gift card.

Hope you’re having a nice day!
-Waldo Lunar

Well, Kmart is concerned at least:

From: Kmart Help <help@customerservice.kmart.com>
Date: Fri, Jan 20, 2012
Subject: Re: W(aL)D Feedback (Not Kmart) (KMM20865508V93493L0KM)
To: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>

 Good Morning Waldo,

 Thank you for contacting Kmart.com.

Waldo, we are sorry for any inconvenience you encountered with the feedback that you have given today. We know that your time is valuable and we appreciate the fact you took the time to give us feedback on our performance.

 We are listening to what you have to say. The feedback that you have provided today regarding (will be taken into consideration as we continue to enhance our services to meet the needs of our customers, (including you) going forward.

 Many of the changes that we have made have been a result of feedback from customers like you.

 We are here for you! Please reply should you have any further questions. We value your business and look forward to serving you in the future. You can also contact us on our customer service number 1-800-733-7249 or login to our chat support. Have a wonderful day!

We certainly hope you will continue to make Kmart your choice for quality and value!

At Kmart we care for our customers’ feedback, it helps us improve our service. Take our survey to tell us how we’re doing.

Make sure you’re registered at Kmart.com for emails, so we can stay in touch! Please add Kmart values, Kmart.com to your address book to ensure our emails reach your inbox.

Sincerely,

Stanton K.(mkundal)

Kmart Customer Care

webcenter@customerservice.kmart.com

1–800-733-7249.

We’ll see what happens, I guess.  I’m still not McDonald’s.

See also:

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A food order for the 22th of December, eh?

Posted on by Standard 6

Well.  Mr. Simson & Ms. Baker have some competition in the grifter circuit.  Seems all these scam artists really like chicken Caesar products.  I’d still like to know how they got my email & why it’s associated with ordering food.  Mr. Smith would like to throw his hat into the ring:

From: paul jason
Date: Fri, Dec 9, 2011
Subject: mr paul smith food order
To:

Hello how are you doing today my name is paul smith My Mom birthday is coming up on the 22th of december and i will like to place an order for 150 grilled chicken salad in individual pack for the 150 guest, it will be pick up by 3pm on the given date and i will like to inform you that am ready to make the full payment with my credit card today so can i know the total cost for the order plus tax…..get back to me with this following information below.

Restaurant address:
Personal cell number:
Total cost for my order plus tax:
Type of the credit card you accept

Regards
paul

Ah, the 22th of December is indeed a fine day.

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 12, 2011
Subject: Re: mr paul smith food order
To: paul jason

Hello Paul,

What a wonderful son you are!  It’s so nice of you to plan a party for your mom on the 22th.  Which of our locations would you want to pickup from?  Generally, I like to personally deliver to ensure the quality of the food upon delivery.  In fact, I can give 1 free grilled chicken salad in individual pack if I can deliver & hang out at the party.  I can ensure quick delivery too, my van made the Kessel run in under 5 parsecs.

Does the party have a theme?  Have you thought about a Star Wars theme?  I can make excellent TIE-fighter shaped chicken caesar wraps, that I display in front of a giant cheese-ball Death Star.  It really is quite breathtaking.  I have some friends in the 501st Legion that can come out too.  They work for a charitable donation made in their name, we’ll just have to feed them.

The price would be $10 per person, so if you have 150 people, and 5 from the 501st Legion, we’re looking at $1550 total, and $1658.50 with tax.

Have you thought about drinks?  If you’re going with the Star Wars theme, you might want to consider Imperial Stout Trooper or Dark Helmet Imperial Schwarzbier.  I can recommend a good supplier if you don’t have one.

I really hope your mom is a Star Wars fan.  Does she need a date to the party?  These are the grilled chicken caesar TIE-fighter wraps you are looking for.

Regards,
-Waldo Lunar
Owner, Operator, Emperor
OMGWTFBBQ, Inc.

I thought it was time for a departure from the Hawaiian Toga Party theme.  In hindsight, now I really do want a Death Star cheese ball.  Can someone get on that?

Death Star Cheese Ball

No one took the time to make TIE-Fighter crackers?

From: paul Smith <paulsmith5485@yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 12, 2011
Subject: Re: mr paul smith food order
To: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>

Thanks for your email,I am very happy to hear from you with the cost of the order plus tax of my order which is $1658.50 for my order and its okay by me and i want the chicken salad so I will prefer them packed in to-go boxes. Mean while i would like you to add an additional $1275 plus the total price of the order so that you can have all that charged on my credit card now. The funds will be wire to the private carrier who will be coming for the pick up of the food in your place in cash via western union money transfer. i would like you to add it all together plus extra $100 Western union charges for wiring the $1275 to the private carrier and let me have the grand total price inclusive of the tax fee and the 3% credit card company charge fee for the transaction all together,so that I can give you my credit card to charge for the total. I will also like to know what type of credit card you accept for payment. i just want to let you know that i am just back from the hospital i was down with a diagnosis of cancer of the lungs as such i had to spend some time in the intensive care. so i cannot go to western union money transfer for now and pay the driver that is why i want you to help me pay them and you will charge my credit card for the total estimation for the food and the Carrier charges,Hope to hear back from you soon with the grand total so i can forward my credit card information and the carrier’s information to wire the cash via western union transfer to them asap.

Final Break Down:
Foods Order :$1658.50
Carrier’s fee: $1275
Western union fee: $100
3% CC company fee: ?

Unfazed, he was all about putting together a price, but not sure to what end… he wanted to give me a total?  Where do I get scammed here?  Does the “oh I’m paying the courier and he’ll pay you” come next?  I really don’t want to take any credit card information, in case the action in itself is illegal.

Gross Death Star Cheese Ball

This one does not look appetizing at all.

I wrote back offering to be more helpful…

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 12, 2011
Subject: Fwd: mr paul smith food order
To: paulsmith5485@yahoo.com

Hello Again Mr. Smith,

May I call you Paul?  I hope your mother is well, have you talked with her about the Star Wars theme?  I hope that your lung cancer treatment has gone well, Paul!  I’m sorry to hear that you were down with the sickness.  Ooh ah ah ah.  (Sorry, I have a form of Tourette’s that only comes out when I type.  It prevents me from using the Backspace or Delete key too.)  Perhaps you can wear a suit like Darth Vader to improve your breathing?  His lungs weren’t cancerous, but burned quite badly.  I believe all of life’s problems can be solved using Star Wars as a guide.

Why don’t you let me make this easy for you, and I’ll deliver to your location, free of charge!  That way, you don’t need to pay a courier, and I can take your card info. upon delivery, it will save you $1300… or give you a higher beer budget!  A true Jedi would carry out the mission himself.  I’ll even knock a dollar of of each head & provide the Death Star cheese ball free of charge.  Do you know if anyone attending has food allergies?  The cheese ball comes two ways – boy (with nuts) or girl (no nuts).

Does your mom like to drink?  I’m a fan of blue milk & several alcoholic beverages.  Sometimes at night when I’m all snuggled up in my Tauntaun sleeping bag, my R2-D2 trash can is my only friend.  Sometimes I sleep with leftover chicken caesar salad in the bag, because Tauntauns apparently smell bad on the inside.  I imagine rotting chicken, mayo, & raw eggs would simulate that smell pretty well.  I’m drinking blue milk now, mixed with some bourbon.  Actually, the blue milk is eggnog with food coloring.  Aldi doesn’t carry blue milk, and they look at me like I’m crazy every time I request it, so I have to make my own.

Can I come to your party?  I really need this.  In fact, I’ve never made a chicken caesar salad in my life.  But, I found a few good recipes on COOKS.com and I’m willing to try.  OMGWTFBBQ is mainly barbecue as the name suggests.  I cook my chicken breasts in a modified Darth Vader toaster so they come out looking awesome.  Our ribs are delicious, they’re Mustafarian style, blackened with smoky seasoning.

Can I ask where you found my email address?  This all has me very excited.  I think I’m really drunk, so I should end this email before I become incoherent.  I really need your business.  Can you send some photos of your mom?  Does she need a date to the party?

May the force be with you, from OMGWTFBBQ to you, happy birthday mom!

-Waldo Lunar
Owner, Operator, Emperor
OMGWTFBBQ, Inc.

No more correspondence.  Apparently Mr. Smith has no patience, or just is the same person as “John” & “Lori” from the last 2 times and was exasperated at the onset.

It's a (mouse)trap!

I Googled "Death Star Cheese Ball" & this came up. |-o-|

Why do these people prey upon us here in the United States?  From the email, I hope English is their second (or 3th) language.  Are we seen as easy targets?  Are we more Gullible?  There’s more of us?  Is there general hatred towards our country?  Do any of these emails ever work?

So, who’s going to start a catering business with me called OMGWTFBBQ?

OMG.WTF?BBQ!

OMG.WTF?BBQ!

More scams abound: Tried scamming me twice this week. (page 2)

Seriously, about the cheese ball…  Someone tell my wife.  My birthday’s coming up.  Let’s go Death Star cheese ball instead of a cake.  I want some TIE-fighter shaped crackers too.  I don’t think she reads thins unless I call her attention to it directly.  Something about “I listen to your insanity all the time in person, you expect me to read it too?” is her (valid) argument on her blog reading stance.

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The dreaded ‘individual Chicken Cæsar Salad Individual wrap’ scam…

Posted on by Standard 12

Chicken Caesar wrap

Image by Tim Rodenberg via Flickr

At first, I thought this was someone mistaking me for McDonald’s (or another food place) again, then I thought it’s most likely spam.  At any rate, I’m having some fun at some scammer’s expense.  I don’t think English is their first language…

From: john simson <jsimson02983@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Nov 17, 2011
Subject: Attn-My Mom Birthday Party (Chicken Caesar Salad)
To:

Hello My name is John Simson and I would like to order for individual Chicken Caesar Salad Individual wrap in your restaurant for 150 people on 29th November and pick up time is 3pm and it’s for my Mom’s Birthday Party and it will be picked up by my courier agent and I am ready to pay the full payment with my credit card so get to me with the following information below…… 

Pickup Address: 
Personal cell #: 
Total cost for the food: 
Type of credit card: 


Best Regards, 
John Simson

Always eager to help, I wrote back.

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Nov 17, 2011
Subject: Re: Attn-My Mom Birthday Party (Chicken Caesar Salad)
To: john simson

Hello Mr. Simson,

It would be my pleasure to prepare your “individual Chicken Cæsar Salad Individual wrap” order for 150 people!  Can I ask where you found my company’s contact information?  We believe in strong kick-backs & discounts for referrals!

Would you like 150 wraps, or 200 or so …in case people want seconds?  I’m somewhat unclear on your wording… perhaps you would like one giant individual chicken cæsar salad wrap that can feed 150 people?

Your mom is a lucky lady!  To not only know 150 people, but to have a son like you that’s putting together such a grand event (with super-fine dining to boot) is an incredible thing.  Perhaps you can up your count to 151 and I’ll hand deliver?  I don’t have many friends, but I do like parties!

Would you like to stamp your mother’s name along with a happy birthday message on the outside of the wrap(s)?  Advertising with printing directly on the wraps is standard for us, so it’s no big deal & not much of an extra charge for us to add a custom message.  We feel that we must seize every opportunity to advertise.

Currently we’re working on exciting “edible” advertisements that will pass through your system and remind you of our catering services upon their exit.  They always come out (well, usually always), but they’re not always readable.  We need to work on a smooth non-stick or oily surface that always floats.  We hope to be a leader in defecation-marketing!

I don’t have a personal cell phone, as I mentioned before… I don’t have many friends.  I would prefer cash since I can deliver in person.  Then you won’t need to worry about my address… and I’m not sure why you’re asking for a type of credit card when you’re the one paying me.

I can get back to you with the total cost once you tell me if you desire the custom birthday message, how many wraps exactly, and if you’ll need any side orders.  May I reccomend the potato chips?  They’re homemade, and each one is designed like a tasty business card!  Also, I have a discount for friends, pending the party invitation.  Maybe your courier agent and I can hang out?  I like bicycles.

Looking forward to your business!
-Waldo Lunar

Reasonable enough questions, right?

From: John Simson <jsimson01@yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, Nov 17, 2011
Subject: Re: Attn-My Mom Birthday Party (Chicken Caesar Salad)
To: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>

Thanks for the email,I want you to understand that am hearing impaired so the best way for me to communicate with you is via email and i can only make payment via my credit card.Thanks

WHAT?  Heh.  Sorry, that was tasteless.  I still don’t know how they’re going to scam me by providing their credit card information.  I don’t want to be baited into taking it either.

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Nov 17, 2011
Subject: Re: Attn-My Mom Birthday Party (Chicken Caesar Salad)
To: John Simson <jsimson01@yahoo.com>

Thanks again Mr. Simson,

We can do that then, no problem.  I abhor the phone.  See?  We’re already forming the bonds of friendship!  How is your mother?  I hope she is well.  Sorry it took so long for me to reply, I’m up to my eyeballs in turkey dinner preparation.  I think there must be a holiday next week, we’ve had a big rush for individual turkey wraps.

I am uncomfortable taking credit information via email.  Any type of card is acceptable.  Would you be able to pay upon pickup or delivery?  I can perhaps get one of those gadgets that connects to my work cell phone and swipes credit cards.  I hear that Nigerian scams abound out there on the internet… people phishing for personal details, and what-not.  They are indeed the scourge of the modern age, my friend.  They prey upon the naive, and the kind-hearted like you and me.

May I ask, why you were inquiring about a type of card if you’re the one paying… and why about a personal cell phone if you’re hearing impaired?  Is it to text?  Have you looked into a TDD system?

Also, as far as the pickup address, which location would you prefer for a pickup?

If you could please answer the questions from my last email, it would help move things along.  I also forgot to ask (silly me!) what the date of the party is?

I’m thinking cost-wise, we’ll be anywhere from $7 to $14 per person, depending on side options, possible drinks, portion sizes, and pending the custom matronly birthday wishes.  I realize that it’s a steep price, but my individual chicken Cæsar wraps are the best in the tri-state area.  “For real, son.”  …as they said in the streets a few years ago.  I joke, because I feel we will be great friends, John.

As soon as you answer all my questions, we’ll be good to go!  What kind of dress is the party?  I don’t want to show up in my tux if we’re all supposed to be in jeans!  Or is there a theme?  I went to a party one time where we all wore Hawaiian shirts.  It was very exotic!  Maybe with a chicken Cæsar theme, we could do a toga party?  Or, if everyone wore flowered sheets, a Hawaiian toga party?  Rome meets Maui!  I could put pineapple rings on the wraps to decorate.  I was also thinking if you’d like to attach a photo of your mother, we could also perhaps print that on the individual wraps?  Do you have a ukulele?  Maybe we can look up some Roman songs.

Please, respond at your earliest convenience my friend!  You should practice this to impress your mother: “Donec mater grata luau in honore tuo! Sit amicus recens Waldo.”  Google Translate is quite fun!

Malama pono salutem plurimam,
-Waldo

Your move, “Mr. Simson”!

Wraps

Image by Joe Shlabotnik via Flickr

And really though…  Toga Luau?  How awesome would that be?  And the advertisements in poop?  It’s coming.  Right after they start printing on the wraps themselves.  Why advertise on just the paper wrapper itself?

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New Catering Advertisement Opportunities! (for Boston Market & Panera Bread)

Posted on by Standard 4

I’m just sayin’.

Panera Bread - vs. - Boston Market

Panera Bread - vs. - Boston Market

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Nov 4, 2011
Subject: New Catering Advertisement Opportunities!
To: & Cc:  A bunch of Panera & Boston Market Employees

Hello friends at Boston Market & Panera Bread,

I assume that the lack of response to my last email about an all-out catering battle at my house was ill-received.  I didn’t get any interest from either camp, or even any kind of acknowledgement of my email.  Not even a coupon.  Isn’t that the typical response?  “Throw ’em a coupon!”  Color me disappointed.

No reply is rather rude, don’t you think?  Batman movie night has come & gone.  We dutifully provided a favorable dining experience to our guests thanks to an incredible local pizza shop.  Roasted red peppers as a pizza topping?  A hit all around, I tell you!  Subs with a homemade feel cut in to bite-size appetizers were also quite delicious.

I’m not sure why neither Panera Bread or Boston Market was willing to enter my catering battle royale.  It would have been an exciting opportunity for both of you.  I realize now… that you need help with forward thinking.  You missed this opportunity to advertise your catering and fight for my dollar.

I believe that I may have come around to your way of thinking.  Perhaps I need to fight for your dollar.  I previously saw advertisements on the pop machine and all over the windows as borderline obscene… but why stop at the border, friends?  Let’s trample the border, deface it on our way through, and not look back!  I have some ideas that you may find attractive.  I really look forward to your feedback.  (Don’t give me any shenanigans about unsolicited ideas and what-not, we’re all friends here.)

  • Advertising on the napkins.  You already do it on the receipts, walls, & windows.  Subway uses their napkins for nutrition information.  Show them up, advertise!  Think of all that clean wasted ad space ripe for the slinging of your delicious wares.  Were one ambitious, this could extend to the “to go” sandwich wrappings, the fancy new plates that you’re both using, and even the trays.  Hell, why not the drink cups?
  • Guerrilla advertising. You could have employees go into your parking lot at regular intervals, and put flyers under the windshield wipers of cars.  If you really wanna get crazy, try bumper stickers!  People would love decorations on their autos.
  • Me.  Send me a T-shirt that advertises your catering services.  I play in a band.  I’ll wear it to shows.  The throngs of bar patrons who rock out with me on a regular basis will be sure to flock to the nearest Panera Bread or Boston Market location.  I might be able to convince my band-mates to do the same.  If we’d like to get really crazy, may I offer to sell my forehead as a billboard?
  • Paystubs.  Your employees get paid right?  Get that money back!  Advertise your catering services on their pay-stubs, and any communications that you need to send.  There’s room on that W2 envelope for a 10% off catering coupon.
  • Right on the food itself.  This is the one that excites me the most!  You’ve seen the toasters that produce an image of Darth Vader, and the irons that brand your initials on to a steak, right?  There are also printers that print right on things like rice paper & cakes.  Why not take advantage of this technology?  Think about it.  Full color printing on wraps?  Toasty images on buns, bread, & bagels?  Delicious meat branded with confidence, demanding that you pick up a catering menu.  It’s never been done.  It’s opulent.  It’s genius.  (If I do say so myself.)

So, what do you think?  Can I help in this new advertising adventure?  These are the next steps in the evolution of promulgation.  Let’s move onward and upward, into uncharted catering promotional territory.  It will be an onslaught to the senses, and an influx in revenue for all involved.  I’m excited for this venture, and especially excited to get some feedback from everyone involved.

Excelsoir!
-Waldo Lunar
[ -YOUR AD COULD BE HERE- ]

incessant emails / incessant advertising

incessant emails / incessant advertising

Further Reading:

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How tweet it is to get snubbed by you.

Posted on by Standard 1

These guys are proving to be more fun than McDonald’s.  I present to you a Twitter play in 5 acts, as presented by Boston Market, Panera Bread, some innocent tweeter, and W(aL)D.

http://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/132090788963287040

http://twitter.com/#!/panerabread/status/132099108910534659

http://twitter.com/#!/bostonmarket/status/131823222076354561

http://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/132091440221265920

http://twitter.com/#!/bostonmarket/status/132142083619295232

Heh.  In other news…  Maybe McDonald’s in Atlanta is more fun:

https://twitter.com/#!/McDonaldsATL/status/132085874212085760

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/132090024530419713

https://twitter.com/#!/McDonaldsATL/status/132171232266305536

https://twitter.com/#!/W_a_L_D/status/132176153325735936

advertising saturation

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Farming With Dynamite

Posted on by Standard 3

A while ago, I saw a friend post one of the most eye-catching things I’ve seen in a while… a booklet from DuPont circa 1910 entitled Farming With Dynamite.

You read that right.

Of all the things your mother told you to never do because they’re too dangerous, I bet this didn’t even make the list.  It’s so crazy, I can’t believe anyone ever thought that this was a good idea.

Farming with Dynamite: A Few Hints to Farmers (DuPont) Established 1802

Farming with Dynamite: A Few Hints to Farmers (DuPont) Established 1802

First off, The use of quotes around the words “Red Cross” has me a little disturbed. More importantly though, page 11 states that you can write to them for free additional information.  It speaks of the “Handbook of Explosives for Farmers, Planters, & Ranchers”.  They state that it’s so valuable that they only send it out upon request.  I request!  It doesn’t say that the offer expires.  So, why not write to them and ask for it?

Maybe it’ll illicit a chuckle.  Maybe I’ll get an antique pamphlet.  Maybe I’ll learn how to plant a few tomatoes with the aid of some dynamite.

Submitted to DuPont via Webform:

Hello,

I recently found your “Farming With Dynamite: A Few Hints to Farmers” handbook online, and found the concept quite interesting.  I hate shovels, and most power tools.  I’d like to plant some tomatoes and maybe a squash vine in the back yard next year… and think that this dynamite could come in handy!

For reference: http://www.fourmilab.ch/etexts/www/dupont/FarmingWithDynamite/Mimage01.html

Page 11 of your booklet said to write for the “Handbook of Explosives for Farmers, Planters, & Ranchers”.  I believe the book predates the used of zip codes, and wasn’t sure if snail mail would get to you at the provided “address”.  So, I decided to search online.  Plus.  I’m lazy.  I didn’t want to buy stamps, and get a cramp while writing a letter with a pen.  See where this dynamite thing may come in handy when planting a garden?

Do you have a hand book of explosives for the casual gardener?  I can try scale down the big stuff if need be.  I’m sure my neighbors would appreciate some restraint.

What are your thoughts on using explosives to get rid of garden pests like rabbits, groundhogs, deer, and even (here in the city) rats?

At 56¢ average for stump removal in my area, I’m confident I can save time and money planting vegetables next year!  Maybe I can do some carrots and bell peppers too?

I see that “Farming With Dynamite” was printed in 1910, have  explosive farming techniques progressed much since then?  I would like some literature on the latest blasting technology.

Does the “Red Cross” dynamite mentioned in your book have anything to do with the Relief/Aid organization, or is it just an unfortunate similarity?  I hear 99¢ of each dollar donated goes to line the pockets of their CEO.  Ridiculous.

I look forward to your thoughts and advice, I appreciate that you have offered this information at no cost.  It shows that you are a company that cares about the common man!

Will I get a reply?  I sure hope so.

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God’s Spam

Posted on by Standard 7

Full Moon view from earth In Belgium (Hamois).

W(aL)D

Sometimes,  like to reply to spam emails.  I really wish this author would have written back to me.

From: Mrs.Linda Vells <sheryely@aol.com>
To:
Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011
Subject: Re: GOD’S PROJECT

Dearest Friend ,
I am Mrs.Linda Huspage Vells from Netherland, I am 68 years old, I am suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, from all indication my conditions is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that I can’t work or do any stressful thing, according to my doctors they have advised me that I may not live for the next two months, this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage. I was brought up from a motherless babies home was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child,
My Husband Huspage died in a fatal motor accident before his death we were true Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry,I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of USD$4.6 Million dollars with a Bank in London. Presently, this money is still with the Bank and the management just wrote me as the true owner to come forward to receive the money or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over because of my illness.
So instead of getting it confiscated I rather have someone whom I can trust to receive the funds and utilize it according to my wishes. And the best part of it is, the Bank told me in the letter that they can have the funds released to my approved person .
Presently, I am using my laptop in the hospital at Germany where I have been undergoing treatment for my sickness. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only more 2 months to live.
It is my last wish to see atleast 60% of this money is
invested/donated to any organisation/buisness of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization, e.g. the poor homes, the motherless babies home where I came from, the deaf homes, and churches etc and 40% will be for your Well doing.
All I seek for is a God fearing person like you ,who will carry out my last wishes and before I emailed you today i prayed and the holy spirit gave me the confidence to send you this email. I took this decision, before I rest in peace because my time will soon be up. As soon as I receive your reply I will give you the contact of the Bank in London.
Please send me your Full name,full Address,Age,Occupation and phone no.
All I need from you is a confidential assurance that the funds when received by you will be used for the said purpose, Nowadays there are so much scams going on in the internet and it is difficult to trust but I don’t know why the Holy spirit still approved me to email you about this out of few email addresses I have from the internet, yours was the only one that my mind convinced me to contact.
Waiting for your reply.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs.Linda Vells

Of course I was interested.  Invoking God, motherless children, and Cancer in this not-quite Nigerian Scam?

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 20, 2011
Subject: Re: GOD’S PROJECT
To: sheryely@aol.com

Hello Mrs. Vells,

Thank you for taking the time to write.  What an exciting opportunity God has in his plan for us!  I am sorry to hear about your breast cancer and the passing of your husband.  I have yet to have any children, but I do have a plan for world (and lunar) domination that I consider dear to me like it were a child.

I do not mean to question the work of the Holy Spirit… but you can forgive me if my skeptical side sees this as perhaps some sort of scam?  I have heard that there is no cancer in the Netherlands because of all the fish in the diet.  I’m also suspicous that your email address, “sheryely@aol.com“, doesn’t look anything like your name.  How do I know that this isn’t the work of the devil?  Lucifer is a tricky one!  Also, one does not become ruler of the earth (and moon) by being too trusting, if you know what I mean.

I do not feel comfortable divulging my full name, full address, age, occupation & phone number.  I would have to assume that were one on a true mission from God (like the Blues Brothers) that he would have provided you this information in addition to my email address.  I will share my occupation…  Your Future Emperor of the Earth (and Moon).  I don’t have an address currently recognized by any government (save for Monaco, Nauru, and Lichtenstein), and on top of that there is no postal service here in the Sea of Tranqulity.  I’m on the lunar surface overseeing the survey process in order to build the first Chick-fil-A on the moon.

Perhaps you can put the cash in an envelope, and leave it at a drop point where I can pick it up upon my return to earth?  This really is your best course of action.  With the current state of banking in the United States, I don’t want to risk such a large transfer to my US-held accounts.  I also don’t want the government to slap me with a gift tax.  I’ll need funding to keep my minions happy, and eventually all material wealth will be mine anyway.  As my grandfather used to say, “Why piss in the face of progress?”  Your donation will be appreciated!  Do you want to see if my minions can put your head in a jar, like the celebrities on Futurama?  Perhaps it can be arranged.  I’ll need an overseer of the state approved religion, and someone with direct communications to God really would fit the bill.  Please consider my offer for decapitated immortality!

Then we could work together on your plan to eliminate the poor houses, deaf houses, and motherless children in the name of the church.  We may also have a management position open at Chick-fil-A.  I will put in a good word for you.  They dig the religious thing.

Now we need a good drop point in Germany… perhaps somewhere near a beer garden?  I do love to drink beer and wear my lederhosen!  I’ll leave it up to your best judgement, and I’ll pick it up whenever you tell me it’s ready.  I would like some of it in small bills though… as to not annoy the Chick-fil-A when I place my orders.  I prefer to communicate via email, it’s the only reliable form of correspondence here on the moon.

My pleasure,
-Waldo Lunar
World (and Lunar) Domination

✉

A series of Chick-fil-A trucks at the Airport ...

Do you have lunar-surface tires?

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Bob Evans’ Follow Up

Posted on by Standard 11

A Bob Evans Restaurant

random BOB EVANS image from the web

Bob Evans Restaurant on Urbanspoon

After posting my recent tale of insanity during a Bob Evans visit, I received some almost immediate follow-up from Nate Riggs via Twitter DM:

nateriggs
– Eric – I work with Bob Evans. Saw your blog post. Would you shoot me your email so I can help make this right? 🙂

nateriggs
Thanks. Ill email you in a few and make sure we make this right By the way – love your blog and your writing style. 🙂

Twitter is awesome.  Instant responses.  These were followed up with another quick flurry of emails:

From: “Riggs, Nathaniel A.” <Nate_Riggs@BobEvans.Com>
To: <me@my.email.addre.ss>
Sent: Thursday, September 22, 2011 1:52 PM
Subject: Blog post about Bob Evans

Eric,

Thanks so much for your email address and for your post. We always try to deliver the best guest experience that we can, but sometimes we mess up. We’re truly sorry for the wait time and hassle that you and your wife experienced in our restaurant.

On a personal note, I dig your blog and was just in Pittsburgh yesterday. This is week 3 for me at Bob Evans leading digital and social so I’m working through some on boarding before I can really work on tightening up our digital presence.  I’m a blogger as well – http://nateriggs.com – and I always appreciate when bloggers are so respectful, even when we messed up. J

The next email from me will refer you to Leeann Purdy in our guest relations department. She will email you and take it from there.

Again, thank you!

BEFarmslogoemal

Nate Riggs
@nateriggs
Digital Marketing Strategist, Restaurant Marketing
3700 South High Street
Columbus, Ohio 43207
Phone: (614) 497-7447
Droid: (614) 348-2646
www.bobevans.com
We like you. Like us on Facebook!

and…

From: “Riggs, Nathaniel A.” <Nate_Riggs@BobEvans.Com>
To: “Purdy, Leann D”
Cc: <me@my.email.addre.ss>
Sent: Thursday, September 22, 2011 1:55 PM
Subject: Contact information for Eric Carroll – Pittsburgh Blogger from this morning

Leann,

Hi there.

I’ve copied Eric Carroll on this message. He is the Pittsburgh blogger who posted on our Facebook page this morning as we discussed. Would you please reach out to him when you have a moment?

Thank you!

BEFarmslogoemal

Nate Riggs
@nateriggs
Digital Marketing Strategist, Restaurant Marketing
3700 South High Street
Columbus, Ohio 43207
Phone: (614) 497-7447
Droid: (614) 348-2646
www.bobevans.com
We like you. Like us on Facebook!

and…

From: “Purdy, Leann D”
To: <me@my.email.addre.ss>
Sent: Thursday, September 22, 2011 2:32 PM
Subject: Bob Evans – Reference # 720520

Mr. Carroll,

I would like to first, thank you for taking the time to share your experience regarding your visit to our Bridgeville location, and also sincerely apologize for the overall unacceptable food and service you received.  I also appreciate that you were so candid as most people will not complain, the will just not go back, and we would not have the opportunity to try to make it up to you.

Our company places great emphasis on training our employees to satisfy our guests, so we appreciate that you have brought this to our attention.  We expect our servers to be attentive, timely, and attend to all of our guests needs, and I am very sorry that we let you down.

I would like the opportunity follow up with you by mail to invite you back to our restaurant, and if you are willing, I would like your address so that I can formally apologize to you by mail.  I also have shared your comments with the general manager and area coach of this location also so they can ensure that any necessary action is taken.

Again, Mr. Carroll, we appreciate your comments.  We value your patronage and appreciate your interest in Bob Evans Farms Inc.

LeAnn Purdy
Guest Relations
Bob Evans Farms, Inc.

and…

From: “Purdy, Leann D”
To: <me@my.email.addre.ss>
Sent: Thursday, September 22, 2011 3:24 PM
Subject: RE: Bob Evans – Reference # 720520

Mr. Carroll,

I wanted to send a follow up because I researched our records and did find where you had sent us these comments on our website with your mailing address included.

I have updated our records and a letter will be going out to you tomorrow.

Have a great day!

bef.gif

LeAnn Purdy
Representative, Guest and Consumer Relations
Supporting Bob Evans Restaurants, Bob Evans Food Products & Mimi’s Café Restaurants
3776 South High Street
Columbus, OH 43207
Bob Evans Guest and Consumer Relations: (800) 939-2338
Mimi’s Café Guest Relations: (866) 616-6464
Fax: (614) 492-4971
Bobevans.com

Then a week or so later, I got this in the mail…

Bob Evans Letter

Bob Evans Letter

Bob Evans Coupons

Bob Evans Coupons

How cool is that?  That’s enough for a meal & a half for the wife & I.  I have to say, I applaud their quick followup, perceived excitement, blatant flattery, and sincerity.  I do have to say, I’m a little afraid of returning to the Bridgeville location if someone was reamed by a regional manager as slyly implied by the emails and letter.  I mean “I also have shared your comments with the general manager and area coach of this location also so they can ensure that any necessary action is taken” seems pretty serious.  I don’t want to go back with Bob Evans bucks in hand and have them be all like “Oh, this is that butthole who wrote a blog and got me a lecture while I was just having a really bad day…”  Or do you think it was calmly presented as “OK, we obviously have some sort of breakdown, what can we as a management team do to help”?  I mean, that’s how it should have gone… right?

The didn’t comment on the asking 3 times for jelly code, so I can only assume this is a real thing.  Next time you’re at Bob Evans and you want jelly, ask for it thrice and ye shall receive thereupon the third asking.

Where’s the balance?  I’m really looking for input here.  Was I right to complain?  Am I safe in returning?  Should I just go to the Bob Evans in Robinson?  Think they have the same area coach & general manager?  How good is their Wildfire BBQ sauce?

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