If we’re making cartoon body parts, I predict the nose is next… then maybe a talking feminine hygiene product, then the talking penis will arrive. We’ll get a talking penis before we get a talking vagina. Maybe boobs will win the race. Boobs always win. But, we’ve had boobs in advertising for years. We don’t really need singing cartoon boobs. (OK, maybe we do.)
Maybe it’ll be an inchworm or caterpillar, or even a hot dog, but it will undoubtedly be standing (pun intended) for a penis. Remember the ads for a lady’s razor that showed triangle-shaped topiary trees? We’re not far off. I don’t know if the penis will be advertising more boner pills (do they really need advertised?), underwear, a jock strap, jock itch, a manscaping product (is that still a thing?), or something new that we didn’t know we needed.
I’m calling it now. Soon, before traditional TV is relegated to the level of relevance of AM radio… we’ll see a talking cartoon penis trying to sell you something.
What do you think? Did I miss any other signs of the coming advertising cockpocalypse? Has there already been a talking ding dong in a commercial? Have I missed any other anthropomorphized body parts, bodily fluids, or abhorrent infections? Do you think a singing hemorrhoid or some testicles having a conversation with each other will be first? Will it be an animated sperm first? I think that still counts as a win for me. Let me know if I’m right on the direction we’re headed…
Oprah Money & Dick Cheney Power – This could be the cover, because… Why not?
OK, so if I had Oprah money and Dick Cheney power, and could treat other human beings like my own personal play things… I would commission two local Pittsburgh metal bands to do an epic cover split. Do bands that aren’t punk bands do splits? Well, they will if they’re my playthings.
Why? Why not? I love obscure and nonsensical covers. I like these bands. They would probably not want any part of this. I mean, guys in bands LOVE it when you go up to them and spew out “You know what song you guys should cover?” then ramble off dumb ideas like this.
Witches gather at black masses
Bodies burning in red ashes
On the hill the church in ruin
Is the scene of evil doings
It’s a place for all bad sinners
Watch them eating dead rats’ innards
I guess it’s the same wherever you may go
Oh Lord yeah
Carry banners which denounce the lord
See me rocking in my grave
See them anoint my head with dead rat’s blood
See them stick the stake through me
Oh
Don’t hold me back cause I’ve just gotta go
They’ve got a hold of my soul now
Lords got my brain instinct with blood obscene
Look in my eyes I’m there enough
Yeah
On the scene a priest appears
Sinners falling at his knees
Satan sends out funeral pyre
Casts the priest into the fire
It’s the place for all bad sinners
Watch them eating dead rats’ innards
I guess it’s the same wherever you may go
Oh lord yeah
Because Mutiny on the Bounty’s what we’re all about
I’m gonna board your ship and turn it on out
No soft sucker with a parrot on his shoulder
‘Cause I’m bad gettin’ bolder, cold cold gettin’ colder
Terrorizin’ suckers on the seven seas
And if you’ve got beef, you get capped in the knees
We got sixteen men on a dead man’s chest
And I shot those suckers and I’ll shoot the rest
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
‘Cause I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Shh! Snatchin’ gold chains, vikin’ pieces of eight
I got your money and your honey and the fly name plate
We got wenches on the benches and bitties with titties
Housin’ all girlies from city to city
One for all and all for one
Takin’ out MC’s with a big shotgun
All for one and one for all
Because the Beastie Boys have gone A.W.O.L
Friggin’ in the riggin’, man, cuttin’ your throat
Big bitin’ suckers gettin’ thrown in the moat
We got maidens and wenches, man they’re on the ace
Captain Bligh’s gonna die when we break his face
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Ali Baba and the forty thieves
Torchin’ and crackin’ and rhymin’ and stealin’
Robbin’ and rapin’, bustin’ two in the ceilin’
I’m wheelin’, I’m dealin’, I’m drinkin’, not thinkin’
Never cower, never shower and I’m always stinkin’
Yo ho ho and a pint of Brass Monkey
And when my girlie shakes her hips she sure gets funky
Skirt chasin’, free basin’, killin’ every village
We drink and rob and rhyme and pillage
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
I was drinkin’ my rum, a deaf son of a gun
I fought the law and I cold won
Black Beard’s weak, Moby Dick’s on the tick
‘Cause I pull out the jammy and I squeeze off six
My pistol is loaded, I shot Betty Crocker
Deliver Colonel Sanders down to Davey Jones’ locker
Rhymin’ and stealin’ in a drunken state
And I’ll be rockin’ my rhymes all the way to hell’s gate
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
‘Cause I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most illingest b-boy, I got that feelin’
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most chillinest b-boy
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most killingest b-boy
I am most ill and I’m rhymin’ and stealin’
Most dustin’ out b-boy, I’m tossin’ my dust
Most finkinest b-boy, I’m doin’ that finkin’
Most rhyminest b-boy, I’m stretchin’ my shade
Most shootinest b-boy, I think you’re shit
Most rhyminest b-boy, I’ll steal your shit homeboy
Most taxinest b-boy, I’ll tax you boy
Most illingest illingest illingest b-boy
Taxin’ all y’all squares, yeah!
Maybe change “b-boy” to “pirate” or something? Bandit? Looter? Outlaw? Maybe the line “Because the Beastie Boys have gone A.W.O.L” to “‘Cause the Bloody Seamen have gone A.W.O.L”? I’d pee my pants if I heard you all rapping.
So what would it take, guys? Can we get a Kickstarter going, or what?
OK, so TLC never got back to me about Missionaries Impossible (where Mormons & Jehovah’s Witnesses try to convert each other), but I will not let complete and total failure or lack of any interest in actually following up on these sorts of things keep me from writing a blog about my newest idea.
All I’d need would be a car with cameras all over it. I could drive it around for a week and have enough footage for an entire season of shows. All I would have to do is drive the speed limit, and obey all traffic laws… then watch everyone around be driven completely insane by that type of apparently abnormal behavior.
Get some people to edit it, you have a super low-cost hit. You wouldn’t even need a narrator. Just get some clips of Samuel L. Jackson swearing & we can edit them all in.
I may or may not have been once involved in some camp related shenanigans where I took part in duct taping toilet paper rolls of another camp on the same campground. I may or may not have been told (after being reprimanded) that next time I ought to only do the boys or girls bathroom, then leave the duct tape on the porch of the other sex to raise suspicion of said party. I’m sure that’s a common strategy to the inherently devious.
Seems like if North Korea did do it, they’d spin it into a PR win on the fronts of their superiority and on the dangers of the internet to society. It just seems way too obvious.
Conspiracy Theory #2:
Remember the wire tapping & surveillance issues under Bush that got everyone’s panties into a giant sweaty bunch over gub’ment intrusion? Now they have an excuse to be all up in your cloud or all up on your hard drive under the guise of national security. Maybe I’m naïve to think it’s not already happening anyway.
Obama just threw Sony under a bus outfitted like a monster truck. If they allowed it to go out into distribution or a theatre chain played the movie and someone did get hurt somewhere, people would have sued and would have went after the theatres and Sony. Would the president help them then, or just say they probably should have pulled it?
“…yes, I think they made a mistake.”
As a former floor tile underneath the Sony corporate ladder, I wonder if I have been affected… or is it just Sony pictures or entertainment? I know even back then while putting tab A into slot B on now antiquated electronics, we were under contract to not disclose any technology that we might see inside the plant that wasn’t released to the public. Did the hack grab the plans for the next Betamax or MiniDisc? Do they have my social security number?
Recently, I was contacted by a non-native PA resident as a sort of last ditch effort in providing an answer behind the reason to the local-ish custom of horn honking. I believe a Google led to my blog on horn honking traffic trolls(or maybe one of many road rage posts). As much as I’d like to proclaim myself an authority on all things ridiculous in Southwestern & Central PA, I must confess that I’d only be guessing here. So, I’d like to ask you to help this southern transplant understand the ways of us nothern-ish-ers here in Pennsyltucky.
I really hope you can help me, and answer my question before I either lose my mind, or go running out into the street to flag down a driver and ask him/her.
A bit of background: I moved to Central PA 5 years ago from Memphis, TN. It’s a very long and stupid story but, suffice to say, I am stuck in Hollidaysburg for now. It’s not a bad little town. And, compared to Memphis, it’s safety personified.
Anyway, I have noticed over the years that people honk their horns here. A lot. And not (seemingly) to acknowledge a friend they see on the street, as I have noticed this happen when there is NO one on the street (my street, in particular).
It always bugged me, and no one seemed to know why people do this (or it’s a stupid reason and they are ashamed to tell me), but today I really got in a snit.
From around 2:30 this afternoon for a good 5 minutes, people were honking their horns. A lot of people, honking a lot of horns. It annoyed me.
I looked on the internet, which is where I found your blog about horn-honking, and since you are in Pittsburgh, I thought you might be able to explain to me what in hell is with all this honking! I didn’t see anything on the internet that it’s, say, “Hollidaysburg Annual Honk-Your-Horn Day” at 2:30 PM or anything.
It’s snowing a bit, the first time this season. Is this some kind of weird weather ritual I never noticed until today? “Honk if you like snow”?
To me, it just seemed like an exaggerated example of something I hear on an all-too-often basis. And it’s, as we say in Memphis, getting on my last nerve!
Do you know what’s going on with this behavior??
Thank you in advance,
Victoria
How’d you find my blog?: searching for “Pennsylvania horn honking”
Yinzers use short beeps to say hello. This probably happens in other places too. They could be beeping be a popular hangout or person. Maybe someone’s beeping for their dealer medical marijuana vendor?
This year, we’ll have 3 bowls of treats for Halloween. We’ll have the traditional chocolate gooey goodness, a bowl of peanut/tree-nut free treats, and a bowl entirely made up of non-food party favor-ish goodies.
Why? Why not? I was able to pick up a bunch of party favors at the Dollar Tree, and my wife Bethany got some Halloween themed stuff from Target. The no-nuts candy wasn’t a big deal either, all we had to do was read the label… which we’re used to. Even the extra bowl was only $1. It wasn’t a whole lot of effort or money.
Even painting a foam pumpkin teal for use for years to come wasn’t a big deal, or printing the posters from the FARE website. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that. This is a movement. It started with some of the most kick-ass people on the planet, food allergy moms in Tennessee.
My point, I guess, is that it isn’t a lot of effort but it can be a big huge gigantic deal for a kid. What’s a big deal? To feel included on a holiday where you’re hyper aware that you’re different. To know that this piece of candy doesn’t contain nuts or wasn’t “processed in a facility that may also use peanuts or tree nuts.” To know that if you’re allergic to dairy or chocolate or just about everything that everyone else can eat or isn’t one of the top 8, but this little trinket or toy (or 2 or 3 if you’re at our house) is all yours. To know that you don’t have to go home & “trade up” for safe candy on this one. To know that your parents didn’t have to drop off a safe treat with all the neighbors ahead of time, and that someone else “gets” it.
I always liked getting those Little Hugs drinks(which may be a safe treat), but some people would complain about the weight. That would have been gone by the time I got back to the road when I was a kid. Then again, times have changed. When I was a kid, we had to play the “guess who you are” game. If I asked a kid his name now, the next ring of the doorbell would probably be the local police. Also, kids… always let your parents check your candy for razor blades or syringes.
Like I said, we read labels. Luckily shellfish is generally easy form me to avoid in packaged foods, slightly less so in restaurants. Our little girl Molly can’t do eggs. Well, she can do eggs baked into things, but has to avoid straight up eggs, mayonnaise, some mustards, custard, and we just noticed… Mallow Cups? (I hate them, they are the devil’s candy. The wife loves them though… even though it tastes like someone replaced the inside of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup with sunscreen.) Will we have to avoid meringue too? Who knows? Hopefully she outgrow her allergy, I’ll never get over mine without some kind of cure.
There are many others out there going through the same thing. We can stick together, and support each other. We can ask those without any food allergies to support us too. Spreading awareness is the key to keeping us all safe. So, take a few minutes to learn about the #TealPumpkinProject. Use the hashtag on social media (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Google+, Pinterest, Tumblr, etc.), get a pumpkin and paint it teal, and/or print out the fliers. Get some safe treats.
OK, so it’s been a while since I’ve been productively making music & actively writing songs. Apparently the bug never goes away. I have been thinking about doing punk rock-ish kids songs for a while. (The Sablowskis beat me to it!)
It may help to follow or like the Music Go Round Monroeville, PA Facebook page too. It has to be on that post on their page, no “likes” here or on my link(s) to it on my Facebook profile count. Voting is only open this week, they pick a winner on the 27th!
As far as the song goes, I threw it together in under an hour with a downloaded app for the tablet, using crappy headphones, the built-in mic on the tablet, and my acoustic guitar down in the basement. I think it shows. But, I still think it’s a hooky tune with some potential. I may have to recruit a few of the usual suspects or even some unusual ones to help me complete the process.
Molly is absolutely terrified of the Chick-fil-A cow. My guess is that other kids are too. Seems like we can find a whole lot more to relate to with some feet-tapping tunes!
📣 So, I have 1,103 “friends” on Facebook, and 985 “followers” on Twitter. If everyone gave just $1 to the FARE 🚶walk for Food Allergies in Pittsburgh this year on Sept. 14th, I’d have $2088 donated. If you all gave $5, that would be $10,440. (OK, if you follow me on both social media platforms, you’d technically have to donate double.)
Please consider taking a few minutes to follow the URL, and donating a buck or two so we can raise #FoodAllergy awareness, and work towards a cure for Molly’s egg allergy and my shellfish/crustacean/mollusk/deathfish allergy. Our goal as a family is a measly $300 and we have $100 so far. I would be so grateful and proud if we could surpass that goal. Thank you for listening (reading), thank you for considering, & thank you in advance for any donations.
[Also: This involves no video-ing, no wasted water, and no whining about how not-helpful a viral campaign is even though it clearly worked. Good job #ALS people!]
The email/text/something came from Dave in a lull. I don’t know what it was, but I know it wasn’t a phone call. We don’t use phones to talk. What is this, the 1880s? Dave said he knew a cat that played bass who wanted to start something weird. Dave wanted to learn drums, and they needed a guitar player. I think the original concept was to cover songs from the Willie Wonka movie. That never panned out, but Erin told us that he had always been in bands to play bass, but had never really sung. He wanted to be the singer. That was cool with me. I was just happy to be making music & playing shows once again.
Erin took on the role of frontman pretty easily. That gravely growl was perfect. The bass playing was very fluid. All I needed to do was slap out some power chords, and some backing vocals. Everything was always a work in progress, ever-evolving. I eventually played slightly more than power chords. Erin was the writer, mastermind & driving force. Dave & I just reigned him in a little where we could and only if we thought he may be losing focus. Focus? Ha. We didn’t have much of that. That was OK.
Practice nights sometimes were about playing songs, and sometimes just about bullshitting. Sometimes we made some really cool sounds, and by next week we had all but forgotten them. Who cares? We were having fun. Dave & I were old friends by this point, but Erin was right in there. Somewhere along the way & pretty damn quickly we had that “dudes in a band” bond. He was the Ernie, and we were the Berts. It fit.
Erin was always excited at the prospect of a new show, new idea, recording, playing with a new band… new logo, new T-shirt, whatever. Sometimes it seemed like all of our effort was fruitless… but looking back, it wasn’t. It only furthered the “us against them” mentality. I think we played an open stage after 1 or 2 practices?
Erin was always concerned about what was going on in my life, be it good or bad. He listened. He actually listened & cared. That can be rare. He did the same thing to random people in the bars before we’d play, or after we played. He liked to talk & he liked to listen.
I don’t know if we were a punk band, a rock band, a fiasco, or a gang… but we were friends. I wish we had more time, and more shows. But that’s always how it goes, isn’t it?
Oh yeah. Erin had brain cancer too. He didn’t let that get in the way. Oh sure, he’d tell you about it just to make you squirm a little in your seat, but then he’d laugh it off and put you at ease. Yeah, he’d put you at ease. That’s the kind of cat that he was.
World (and Lunar) Domination 