We’ll be rocking with the shockingly scandalous Steel City Slingers and whoever’s brave enough to step up to the plate! Here are the details so far, with an incredible flyer by the Slingers’ own Zach.
Well. Mr. Simson & Ms. Baker have some competition in the grifter circuit. Seems all these scam artists really like chicken Caesar products. I’d still like to know how they got my email & why it’s associated with ordering food. Mr. Smith would like to throw his hat into the ring:
From: paul jason
Date: Fri, Dec 9, 2011
Subject: mr paul smith food order
To:
Hello how are you doing today my name is paul smith My Mom birthday is coming up on the 22th of december and i will like to place an order for 150 grilled chicken salad in individual pack for the 150 guest, it will be pick up by 3pm on the given date and i will like to inform you that am ready to make the full payment with my credit card today so can i know the total cost for the order plus tax…..get back to me with this following information below.
Restaurant address:
Personal cell number:
Total cost for my order plus tax:
Type of the credit card you accept
Regards
paul
Ah, the 22th of December is indeed a fine day.
From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 12, 2011
Subject: Re: mr paul smith food order
To: paul jason
Hello Paul,
What a wonderful son you are! It’s so nice of you to plan a party for your mom on the 22th. Which of our locations would you want to pickup from? Generally, I like to personally deliver to ensure the quality of the food upon delivery. In fact, I can give 1 free grilled chicken salad in individual pack if I can deliver & hang out at the party. I can ensure quick delivery too, my van made the Kessel run in under 5 parsecs.
Does the party have a theme? Have you thought about a Star Wars theme? I can make excellent TIE-fighter shaped chicken caesar wraps, that I display in front of a giant cheese-ball Death Star. It really is quite breathtaking. I have some friends in the 501st Legion that can come out too. They work for a charitable donation made in their name, we’ll just have to feed them.
The price would be $10 per person, so if you have 150 people, and 5 from the 501st Legion, we’re looking at $1550 total, and $1658.50 with tax.
I really hope your mom is a Star Wars fan. Does she need a date to the party? These are the grilled chicken caesar TIE-fighter wraps you are looking for.
Regards,
-Waldo Lunar
Owner, Operator, Emperor
OMGWTFBBQ, Inc.
I thought it was time for a departure from the Hawaiian Toga Party theme. In hindsight, now I really do want a Death Star cheese ball. Can someone get on that?
No one took the time to make TIE-Fighter crackers?
From: paul Smith <paulsmith5485@yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 12, 2011
Subject: Re: mr paul smith food order
To: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Thanks for your email,I am very happy to hear from you with the cost of the order plus tax of my order which is $1658.50 for my order and its okay by me and i want the chicken salad so I will prefer them packed in to-go boxes. Mean while i would like you to add an additional $1275 plus the total price of the order so that you can have all that charged on my credit card now. The funds will be wire to the private carrier who will be coming for the pick up of the food in your place in cash via western union money transfer. i would like you to add it all together plus extra $100 Western union charges for wiring the $1275 to the private carrier and let me have the grand total price inclusive of the tax fee and the 3% credit card company charge fee for the transaction all together,so that I can give you my credit card to charge for the total. I will also like to know what type of credit card you accept for payment. i just want to let you know that i am just back from the hospital i was down with a diagnosis of cancer of the lungs as such i had to spend some time in the intensive care. so i cannot go to western union money transfer for now and pay the driver that is why i want you to help me pay them and you will charge my credit card for the total estimation for the food and the Carrier charges,Hope to hear back from you soon with the grand total so i can forward my credit card information and the carrier’s information to wire the cash via western union transfer to them asap.
Final Break Down:
Foods Order :$1658.50
Carrier’s fee: $1275
Western union fee: $100
3% CC company fee: ?
Unfazed, he was all about putting together a price, but not sure to what end… he wanted to give me a total? Where do I get scammed here? Does the “oh I’m paying the courier and he’ll pay you” come next? I really don’t want to take any credit card information, in case the action in itself is illegal.
This one does not look appetizing at all.
I wrote back offering to be more helpful…
From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 12, 2011
Subject: Fwd: mr paul smith food order
To: paulsmith5485@yahoo.com
Hello Again Mr. Smith,
May I call you Paul? I hope your mother is well, have you talked with her about the Star Wars theme? I hope that your lung cancer treatment has gone well, Paul! I’m sorry to hear that you were down with the sickness. Ooh ah ah ah. (Sorry, I have a form of Tourette’s that only comes out when I type. It prevents me from using the Backspace or Delete key too.) Perhaps you can wear a suit like Darth Vader to improve your breathing? His lungs weren’t cancerous, but burned quite badly. I believe all of life’s problems can be solved using Star Wars as a guide.
Why don’t you let me make this easy for you, and I’ll deliver to your location, free of charge! That way, you don’t need to pay a courier, and I can take your card info. upon delivery, it will save you $1300… or give you a higher beer budget! A true Jedi would carry out the mission himself. I’ll even knock a dollar of of each head & provide the Death Star cheese ball free of charge. Do you know if anyone attending has food allergies? The cheese ball comes two ways – boy (with nuts) or girl (no nuts).
Does your mom like to drink? I’m a fan of blue milk & several alcoholic beverages. Sometimes at night when I’m all snuggled up in my Tauntaun sleeping bag, my R2-D2 trash can is my only friend. Sometimes I sleep with leftover chicken caesar salad in the bag, because Tauntauns apparently smell bad on the inside. I imagine rotting chicken, mayo, & raw eggs would simulate that smell pretty well. I’m drinking blue milk now, mixed with some bourbon. Actually, the blue milk is eggnog with food coloring. Aldi doesn’t carry blue milk, and they look at me like I’m crazy every time I request it, so I have to make my own.
Can I come to your party? I really need this. In fact, I’ve never made a chicken caesar salad in my life. But, I found a few good recipes on COOKS.com and I’m willing to try. OMGWTFBBQ is mainly barbecue as the name suggests. I cook my chicken breasts in a modified Darth Vader toaster so they come out looking awesome. Our ribs are delicious, they’re Mustafarian style, blackened with smoky seasoning.
Can I ask where you found my email address? This all has me very excited. I think I’m really drunk, so I should end this email before I become incoherent. I really need your business. Can you send some photos of your mom? Does she need a date to the party?
May the force be with you, from OMGWTFBBQ to you, happy birthday mom!
-Waldo Lunar
Owner, Operator, Emperor
OMGWTFBBQ, Inc.
No more correspondence. Apparently Mr. Smith has no patience, or just is the same person as “John” & “Lori” from the last 2 times and was exasperated at the onset.
I Googled "Death Star Cheese Ball" & this came up. |-o-|
Why do these people prey upon us here in the United States? From the email, I hope English is their second (or 3th) language. Are we seen as easy targets? Are we more Gullible? There’s more of us? Is there general hatred towards our country? Do any of these emails ever work?
So, who’s going to start a catering business with me called OMGWTFBBQ?
Seriously, about the cheese ball… Someone tell my wife. My birthday’s coming up. Let’s go Death Star cheese ball instead of a cake. I want some TIE-fighter shaped crackers too. I don’t think she reads thins unless I call her attention to it directly. Something about “I listen to your insanity all the time in person, you expect me to read it too?” is her (valid) argument on her blog reading stance.
I can’t wait to make stuffing again. It’s ridiculously tasty. I love the carb overload. Maybe I will get those goggles, and I need to pick up some Yuengling. A week from tonight, I should be in the process of creating this awesomeness.
I’ll show you my stuffing recipe if you show me yours.
Maybe this year, I’ll try to make some Potato Filling too. There are a bunch of recipes for it out there. Maybe stuffing balls would be good… Now I’m hungry.
I love Gooski’s. It’s a relaxing hole in the wall with a killer jukebox and ridiculously awesome honey BBQ wings. It’s always cool to play a place you’re so comfortable in, so please come out to this one, hang out, & have a fun time with Ernie and the Berts as we rock out with the Dirty Charms & What Else?.
GOOSKI’S. That’s all I need to say. Come early, stay late. Rock out with some cheap beers, tasty wings & pierogies. We all need a night of debauchery in Polish Hill every once in a while. That’s what your favorite local rock n’ roll bands are for! What Else? channels some glam, Ernie and the Berts will make you feel scuzzy & fuzzy, and the Dirty Charms just may make you need to take a shower… Read More
☢ Ernie and the Berts ☢ Hopeless Otis ☢ The Awful Waffles
$5 / 21+ / 9:00pm
Click the link for details & links to the venue & other bands.
Beat the heat, not your meat! Hang out in the cool relaxing not-humid soothing basement of Sheffield Lanes… a little place we like to call the Fallout Shelter. Well, they called it that, so that’s why we call it that. We didn’t name it. Although, it is a pretty good name. For some reason, they like us there, and keep letting us come back. Randy just may be a little insane. That’s OK, I think we are too. At any rate, they have good drink … Read More
Today, I checked out a link on the Yahoo! site because it was simply titled “The Best Potato Chips“. Well, I like potato chips… so I had to see what was up. Well, the first annoying thing was that it said that there’s a list of 21 chips… but there are only 7 listen on the page… then the “Continue Reading…” link takes you to a slide show. I hate slide show lists. I want to see it all, right there in front of me, right away. This isn’t a meeting, I don’t need a power point presentation. These aren’t your vacation photos, I don’t need a slide show.
They did manage to recognize the awesome that is plain old ordinary Ruffles. When I want to eat Turner’s chip dip, this is the chip that I must have. Just ask anyone who works at the Rite Aid by my house. I’m always there buying ruffles & Turner’s dip. Really. Just ask them… “Is there a weird guy in here with crazy sideburns buying Turner’s Dip and Ruffles all the time?” They’ll totally, be like “Yeah!” I’m telling you.
As for the rest of this list though, it’s alie. Don’t believe it. If the list had any credibility beyond being able to recognize the top of the line “ordinary” chip, it would have included Beer Chips or Snyder (of Berlin) Honey BBQ Chips. There is just no excuse for these glaring omissions. Shame on you, Shine From Yahoo!. Shame on you.
I’ve written of Beer Chips before, here in my blog and at PittsburghBeat.com. Why? Because they’re awesome. They’re next to impossible to put down. I’m sure I could eat an entire bag without thinking about it, and probably have. If we break them out when people are over, the bag disappears. Kudos to the Beer Chips people on distribution, as I’ve seen them in places from Giant Eagle and Market District to Aldi. You may have guessed that Beer Chips are chips somehow cooked with beer. If you haven’t guessed this, then just stop reading, as all of this will be most likely lost on you anyway. They’re sweet, they’re salty, and they do have a hint of a beer taste… but it’s ever so slight. Of course, they also go great with a nice bottle of Yuengling, Straub, or Penn Pilsner in my experience. Just writing this, I may have to stop at the store to get these next time I’m out. They are that powerful. I mean, I have beer in the ‘fridge, but how can I enjoy it now without Beer Chips? I can’t. That’s how.
On to the Snyder of Berlin Honey Bar-B-Q Potato Chips. First off, I love honey BBQ in general. Gooski’s Honey BBQ wings are one of my favorite foods ever. You just generally can’t go wrong with Honey BBQ. I think my first experience with these was at camp. They were out as a snack one night and I think I ate most of the bag. I couldn’t stop. Again, these have that incredible sweet/salty combination that is a win every time. I know you can generally get them at most Sheetz locations, but it’s hit or miss if they’re there in Giant Eagle or wherever I happen to be grocery shopping. If I see them, I just unconsciously grab them and only realize they’re in my hand or the grocery cart when I go to check out. Now, one must beware of the Herr’s and Wise imitations. Well, I don’t know who was really first… but for my own personal tastes, Snyder of Berlin is the standard Honey BBQ chip to which all others ought to be measured. Actually, the Herr’s is an acceptable substitute if necessary, but the Wise ones are just inferior chips altogether.
Speaking of imitations, one of these days I need to get down to the Snyder of Berlin vs. Snyder’s of Hanover thing. (There’s even a creepy Facebook group about the rift…) They each have that ominous and almost vindictive disclaimer on their packaging that they’re not associated with the other.Too weird.
There are, of course, a few others worth mentioning… Herr’s makes some bad-ass Ketchup flavored chips, some Salt & Pepper ones, and a bunch of other cool/weird flavors. Utz makes a bunch of flavors and are quite decent chips. (Is it “uhtz” or “ootz”?) Although, I see a “crab” flavor, and that scares me a little. I may have to write to them about that. Snyder of Berlin also has a ton of interesting varieties, another of my favorites being the kettle-cooked Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper chips.
You may thank me that you’re now more informed on the subject of the best potato chips than the average Shine From Yahoo! reader. I’d be interested to see if you agree with me or if you’re just wrong. Please feel free to talk about your favorites in the comments section!
Recently I found myself at Borders, planning to purchase another one of Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers, but I already have all the ones that they had there on the shelf (except for Wise Up, but I don’t know if I like the format of that one), and I’m impatient, so I decided to look around for another book in the humor section.
I found myself drawn to Little Billy’s Letters. Bill Geerhart is like me. He likes to annoy others with goofy letters. His angle is that he’s writing these letters from Billy, his inner child. I’m only about a quarter of the way through the book, and it is ridiculously entertaining.
What do , Don’t Even Reply, the Church of Scientology, and Donald Rumsfeld all have in common?: They — and many others — have answered letters from “Little Billy”, a grown man with a cache of stamps and far too much time on his hands. Funny, touching, and delightfully quirky, Billy’s letters cover a broad range of subject matter:
Operation Drop-Out: Considering dropping out of elementary school, Billy writes to serial killers and celebrities seeking their wise counsel.
Billy’s Law: Which Supreme Court Justice prefers the Big Mac to the Whopper? Who is Janet Reno’s favorite crime fighter? What does Robert Shapiro say is the best defense for being framed for murder? Billy finds out.
The Making of the Class President: Billy runs for class president and collects “endorsements” from Nancy Reagan, Dick Cheney, George HW Bush, Gerald Ford, Bob Dole, Ken Starr, and Colin Powell.
Choosing My Religion: Billy asks representatives from the Catholic, Presbyterian, Mormon, Raelian, Satanic, Scientologist, Hare Krishna and Unification Church (Moonies) what is “cool” or “easy” about their religion.
Presidents, Supreme Court Justices, Celebrities, Heads of Corporations, Serial Killers, Robot Makers, and the NesQuick Bunny have all replied to “Little Billy’s” scrawled questions.
In the ’90s and 00’s a grown man–in the guise of a child–wrote prank letters to politicians, CEOs, serial killers and others. “Little Billy’s Letters,” available March 9th from HarperCollins, is a collection of this insane correspondence.
Heh. Right up my alley, right?
The replies from Charles Manson (& some Manson Family members) had me cracking up… making it even more funny is the fact that I probably shouldn’t be laughing at anything involving serial killers.
Advice from Bob Dole or Dan Quayle on anything is probably always hilarious.
It reminds me of some of my other absolute favorite books. Idiot Lettersby Paul Rosa is the first one of this kind that I picked up, and I think my favorite by default. Then there was The Complete Idiot Letters (also by Rosa). I think I also have Letters From a Nut, More Letters From a Nut, & Extra Nutty! Even More Letters From a Nut! by Ted L. Nancy. If they’re not at my house, I’m sure they’re at my mom’s in my old room. It seems to almost be an emerging genre… There are a lot of similar books and even websites out there.
Maybe I need to get back to writing some more goofy letters & emails.
At any rate, I suggest picking up this book, or getting it at the library or in your Kindle or iPad or whatever you crazy kids do to read these days. It’s absolutely hilarious.
A while ago, I blogged about stumbling on to an article listing 6 ways too cook a hot dog. We all know there’s more. Here’s a much better list. OK, maybe not better… but bigger. Thanks to everyone for their suggestions submissions here and on Facebook, I hope to include them all here.
Oh well, on to the list…
Grill ’em.The general consensus seems to be that if you’re going to cook a hot dog, it needs to be grilled. I would agree with this. I usually don’t break out hot dogs unless I’m already grilling burgers. They’re there for those weird non-burger people, or a topping for your burger.
Charcoal Grill – This is old school grilling, get it hot let the flames & coals cook the dog with some nice grill lines or looking like the victim of a flame-thrower accident. There are good instructions on grilling w/ gas & charcoal here(as if you need them).
Propane Grill – It’s a little easier to control the heat, & you’re less likely to produce the same flame-thrower victim effect if you keep an eye on ’em. There are also good instructions on grilling w/ gas & charcoal here(again, as if you need them).
Foreman Grill– Or any of the imitators & whatever they’re called. I’ve seen a Hamilton Beach one, I’ve seen them called electric grills, counter-top grills, whatever… you know what I’m talking about. I’ve had little success with the Foreman Grill & hot dogs… which is odd, because it cooks other stuff quite easily. Here’s a video on how to cook ’em on the Foreman Grill, …because I can’t find good text for it anywhere. They don’t list a time for hot dogs in the book that comes with it. Maybe they assume their grill is for convenience, and it’s more convenient to nuke or boil your dogs. If anyone has $99 to spare, I’ll take the USB iGrill from Think Geek.
Infrared Grill – I know nothing about this newfangled contraption. It looks like you can burn a hot dog in 0.5 seconds on one. Learn about infrared grills at Wikipedia.
Griddle/Flattop Grill – If you have one in your house, you are awesome. You can certainly cook a hot dog on one, and don’t need me to tell you how.
Open Flame.Who doesn’t love hot dogs (or anything really) cooked over a campfire? …Or a bonfire, trash barrel fire, or while the neighbor’s house is burning down? With these methods, You can also wrap the dog with biscuit or croissant dough from those creepy popping tubes, and it will cook nicely over an open flame. If you want to get really crazy, slice it down the middle & stuff cheese in it, or wrap some cheese around it before the dough.
Skewer – We use roasting forks or or just sticks. You can get the forks at any sporting goods or camping store, in a store that has a camping section, or in a store near your camping site. You can get sticks in the woods, or from a lone, sad tree. You can also get inventive, like this guy. Be careful choosing sticks and being inventive… you don’t want anything that will poison your hot dog… like toxic wood, metal treated or painted with anything, and of course plastic. I can’t seem to find a guide online of safe & unsafe tree branches to use when cooking over a fire. Anyone have a boy scout handbook? (I asked Yahoo!, apparently nothing out there will kill you, but stick with a non-sappy wood.) With this method, get your fire going, and hold the hot dog over it… but not in the flame unless you like black crispy possibly carcinogen-laced hot dogs. If using a store-bought fork, it’s up to you if you want to put the dog on long-ways, or double/triple ’em up the forks.
Pie Iron – If you’ve camped with me, you’ve cooked with a pie iron… or you’ve watched me cook with one. My favorites include pizza ones, and Reubens… but I’m sure you could stuff a hot dog into one. They also have ones that are shaped to cook hot dogs. This would most likely result in a nicely cooked dog without the singe marks, maybe flavored with some onions (gross!) or sauerkraut. If you’re buying a pie iron, buy one made of… iron. This sounds dumb, but they make aluminum ones, and I have melted them with no problem. I don’t think you want aluminum flavored hot dogs.
The Cage – Burger basket, grill basket, vegetable basket – all different names for a similar utensil. I’d use it like I would a fork for hot-dog cooking… may be sort of useless unless you have a burger in it too.
The Rack – If you can find some sort of rack or grate that you can secure safely over the fire that’s also safe to cook on, you can cook like it’s a charcoal grill if you’re more comfortable with that. Just make sure the flame isn’t eating your hot dog before you do.
Foil Pack – You could use the bread dough & any toppings/sides here as well. Wrap the dog & even the bun in foil, and place it on a grate over the flames, or in the coals around the bottom of the fire like you would with a baked potato.
Oven Burner – That’s right. Pit it on a fork or roasting fork, and hold it over the flame on your stove top. This might not be safe, but I bet it would be fun.
Boiled – I’m sure you’ve all had ’em like this. I think it even suggests to heat ’em this way on the pack. I’m not a fan of boiling anything any more, unless it’s soup or pasta. It just seems like a lot of flavor goes into the water… and where hot dogs are concerned, it’s not like you have a lot to work with to begin with. I’d suggest boiling hot dogs in beer, even though I’ve never tried it… it sounds pretty awesome. You can even get crazy with beer, ketchup, and brown sugar. Maybe some beef broth or bullion would be cool here too… but that may make ’em to salty? I dunno. Boil at your own risk.
Nuke ’em – I guess that besides grilling, this would seem to be the most obvious method of cooking hot dogs. On the last pack we bought, this method was featured larger than the other methods. Just 30 – 40 seconds in the microwave … wrapped in a paper towel? I never use the paper towel. Is that to hold in moisture, prevent explosions, or what? Apparetly there’s an art to this, because I have found the articles How to Cook a Hot Dog in a Microwave and the possible passive-aggressive How to Cook a Hot Dog in the Microwave Without Exploding the Ends. As I write this, I have an urge to make some hot dogs explode in the microwave. I may be developing a disorder.
Lovin’ from the Oven – You can certainly cook hot dogs in the oven, you may split ’em open or poke them with a fork first. This method would be ideal for the croissant-wrapped hot dogs, smothered in some awesome cheese. Just make sure if you use the 1st linked method, that you put the foil in the oven before you heat it up (like they so diligently mentioned)… or don’t do that, burn yourself, and stay off of the internet.
Deep Fried – They call these Rippers in New Jersey, no? I don’t have a fryer… but I suppose I could do this in a pot on the stove, or in my turkey fryer. I’ve never had one, but I’d imagine it’s a pretty good thing. Corn dogs could be lumped in here too, I guess.
Steamed – This seems to be a popular method, but I know I’ve never done it, or really seen it done. I guess there are commercial steam cabinets for hot dogs… but I bet you could steam it like you do with vegetables if you have a steamer. Perhaps, like boiling… you could steam it with beer…?
In the Skillet. – Or frying pan. Just fry it on the stove top with a little bit of oil. I guess you could slice it open first if you wanted to, so it doesn’t pop on you. Or, you can elevate it to an art form.
In Stuff – Okay this isn’t one specific method, but I didn’t feel like all of these should have their own #’s on the list. You know you’ve chopped ’em up and added them to baked beans, mac n’ cheese, or even done a hot dog & potato bake. Here I’ll also inject that I once got the SpaghettiOs with hot dogs. They were inexplicably gross. This is your final warning.
Goofy Single-Purpose Appliances – I have hot dogs only occasionally. I can’t imagine getting one of these hot dog cookers that serves only one purpose. Our counter-space is quite limited.. and I can’t see that breaking one of these things out would be worth the novelty after more than a few uses…
The Hot Dog Toaster – Besides looking creepy, these also apparently cook hot dogs. It looks to be just a toaster with hot dog-shaped holes and bun-shaped holes. I wonder if it really cooks the thing through very well? May be quite convenient.
Solar Hot Dog Cooker – This might be fun for campers or science geeks. Solar ovens are pretty awesome, this one and this one are especially geared for hot dogs… this onemight work.
The Roller – These apparently come in several varieties, but all look to be the same concept… Cooked on rollers like the ones you see at the convenience stores. Brookstone makes one, there are a bunch of professional ones, and Nostalgia Electrics offers the Roller & “Ferris Wheel” varieties.
The “Roast My Weenie” guy – More of an accessory, this really just needs to be seen.
Electrocute it – My cousin told me a tale via Facebook of a hot dog cooker for electric chair, taser, and Tesla enthusiasts… called the Presto Hot Dogger. Mad scientists can try it at home with a few things from around the house. This actually looks pretty awesome. This vintage one looks like a torture device.
Well, those are all the methods I can think of right now. Well, other than going to Sheetz or Dormont Dogs… you should be able to get your hot dog fix by one of the methods described here. If you have another technique, please list it in the comments below!
I’m told that means “Happy St. Patrick’s Day” or more accurately “Blessings of St. Patrick’s Day upon ye!”. I hope that’s right. Today, we celebrate Irish heritage. How the holiday’s become that, I have no idea. I’d like to share with you some Irish toasts, blessing, song, & food. If you’re not of Irish descent, well… we’ll forgive for just one day. As long as you forgive me for skipping the Guinness and sticking to the Smithwick’s.
Irish toasts & blessings…
A family of Irish birth will argue and fight,
But let a shout come from without and see them all unite.
Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.
An Irishman is never drunk
as long as he can hold on to
one blade of grass and not
fall off the face of the earth.
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction!
Bless your little Irish heart — and every other Irish part.
From the great Gales of Ireland
Are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry
And all their songs are sad.
Grant me a sense of humor, Lord,
the saving grace to see a joke,
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folks.
Here’s a toasting to his health.
But not too many toastings
Lest you lose yourself and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see all those snakes again.
Here’s to a sweetheart, a bottle, and a friend.
The first beautiful, the second full, the last ever faithful.
Here’s to you and yours,
And to mine and ours,
And if mine and ours ever come
Across you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours,
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours!
Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint– and another one!
Here’s to the land of the shamrock so green,
Here’s to each lad and his darlin colleen,
Here’s to the ones we love dearest and most.
May God bless old Ireland, that’s this Irishman’s toast!
Here’s to women’s kisses,
and to whiskey, amber clear;
Not as sweet as a woman’s kiss,
but a darn sight more sincere!
Here’s to women’s kisses,
and to whiskey, amber clear;
Not as sweet as a woman’s kiss,
but a darn sight more sincere!
I drink to your health when I’m with you,
I drink to your health when I’m alone,
I drink to your health so often,
I’m starting to worry about my own!
I have known many,
and liked not a few,
but loved only one
and this toast is to you.
May God grant you always…
A sunbeam to warm you,
A moonbeam to charm you,
A sheltering angel, so nothing can harm you.
May good luck be your friend
In whatever you do
And may trouble be always
A stranger to you.
May joy and peace surround you,
Contentment latch your door,
And happiness be with you now
And bless you evermore.
May misfortune follow you the rest of your life, and never catch up.
May neighbours respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.
May the face of every good news and the back of every bad news be towards us.
May the good saints protect you
And bless you today
And may troubles ignore you
Each step of the way
May the grass grow long on the road to hell for want of use.
May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.
May the leprechauns be near you,
To spread luck along your way.
And may all the Irish angels,
Smile upon you on St. Patrick’s Day.
May the lilt of Irish laughter Lighten every load,
May the mist of Irish magic Shorten every road,
May you taste the sweetest pleasures That fortune ere bestowed,
And may all your friends remember all the favors you are owed.
May the luck of the Irish
Lead to happiest heights
And the highway you travel
Be lined with green lights.
May the lilt of Irish laughter lighten every load.
May the mist of Irish magic Shorten every road…
And may all your friends remember
All the favours you are owed!
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
May the rocks in your field turn to gold.
May the roof above you never fall in,
And those gathered beneath it never fall out.
May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past.
May the winds of fortune sail you,
May you sail a gentle sea.
May it always be the other guy
who says, “this drink’s on me.”
May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows your dead.
May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings,
slow to make enemies and quick to make friends.
And may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.
May you get all your wishes but one, so that you will always have something to strive for!
May you have food and raiment,
a soft pillow for your head.
May you be forty years in heaven
before the devil knows you’re dead.
May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been,
The foresight to know where you are going,
And the insight to know when you have gone too far.
May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been,
the foresight to know where you’re going,
and the insight to know when you’ve gone too far.
May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door.
May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live.
May you live to be 100 years, with one extra year to repent.
May you never find trouble
All crowdin’ and shovin’
But always good fortune
All smilin’ and lovin’
May you taste the sweetest pleasures that fortune ere bestowed,
And may all your friends remember all the favors you are owed.
May your heart be light and happy,
May your smile be big and wide,
And may your pockets always have
a coin or two inside!
May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.
May your home be filled with laughter
May your pockets be filled with gold
And may you have all the happiness
Your Irish heart can hold.
May your mornings bring joy
and your evenings bring peace…
May your troubles grow less
as your blessings increase!
May your pockets be heavy—
Your heart be light,
And may good luck pursue you
Each morning and night.
May your pockets be heavy—
Your heart be light,
And may good luck pursue you
Each morning and night.
May your right hand always be stretched out in friendship and never in want.
May your troubles be less
And your blessing be more
And nothing but happiness
Come through your door
My friends are the best friends
Loyal, willing and able.
Now let’s get to drinking!
All glasses off the table!
Saint Patrick was a gentleman,
Who through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland,
That the tap may be open when it rusts!
There are good ships,
and there are wood ships,
The ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships, are friendships,
And may they always be.
We drink to your coffin. May it be built from the wood of a hundred year old oak tree that I shall plant tomorrow.
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven!
Wherever you go and whatever you do, May the luck of the Irish be there with you.
Here’s to cheating, stealing, fighting, and drinking!
If you cheat, may you cheat death.
If you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart.
If you fight, may you fight for a brother.
And if you drink, may you drink with me. … Slainte!
May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings, slow to make enemies, quick to make friends. But rich or poor, quick or slow, may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.
May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.
May the strength of three be in your journey.
May the sound of happy music, And the lilt of Irish laughter, fill your heart with gladness, that stays forever after.
Here’s to me, and here’s to you,
And here’s to love and laughter-
I’ll be true as long as you,
And not one moment after.
There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head-
If a man doesn’t drink when he’s living,
How the hell can he drink when he’s dead?
May you always have walls for the winds,
a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,
laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire.
May you have love that never ends,
lots of money, and lots of friends.
Health be yours, whatever you do,
and may God send many blessings to you!
May the sun shine, all day long,
everything go right, and nothing wrong.
May those you love bring love back to you,
and may all the wishes you wish come true!
May you have:
A world of wishes at your command.
God and his angels close to hand.
Friends and family their love impart,
and Irish blessings in your heart!
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full moon on a dark night,
and the road downhill all the way to your door.
For each petal on the shamrock.
This brings a wish your way
Good health, good luck, and happiness
For today and every day.
May the embers from the open hearth warm your hands,
May the sun’s rays from the Irish sky warm your face,
May the children’s bright smiles warm your heart,
May the everlasting love I give you warm your soul.
May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks,
May your heart be as light as a song,
May each day bring you bright, happy hours,
That stay with you all the year long.
May joy and peace surround you,
Contentment latch your door,
And happiness be with you now,
And bless you evermore.
May the saint protect ye-
An’ sorrow neglect ye,
An’ bad luck to the one
That doesn’t respect ye
t’ all that belong to ye,
An long life t’ yer honor-
That’s the end of my song t’ ye!
May good luck be your friend
In whatever you do.
And may trouble be always
A stranger to you.
May your blessings outnumber
The Shamrocks that grow.
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
May your troubles be less,
And your blessing be more.
And nothing but happiness,
Come through your door.
And some Irish song…
This one’s from Seamus Kennedy, you need to check him out if he’s ever on tour in a pub or a festival near you!
Saint Patrick was a gentleman,
Who through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland,
Here’s a toasting to his health.
But not too many toastings
Lest you lose yourself and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see all those snakes again.
I consider this yet another horrible waste of our tax money.
This quote says it all; “…bar owners say hard-to-spell beer names and typographical errors show how archaic Pennsylvania’s Prohibition-era liquor laws really are…”
World (and Lunar) Domination 