I like to make goofy Amazon reviews sometimes. You may have read my blog or review about that damned basketball hoop. (40 people found that helpful!) While I have been waiting for my own review of <shameless plug>my book</shameless plug> to get approved, I found some of my old reviews and I see this one was deemed helpful by 18 people.
I’d like to say I bought these because I dress in all black to be cool like Johnny Cash. My kids say I’m “emo” because I wear black all the time. They are unwilling to accept my explanation of the subtle nuances between emo, goth, punk, and metal heads… who each have their own unique affinity for the macabre.
My dad always said “Never trust a fart after forty” and truer words were never spoken. I work in remote areas and bathrooms aren’t always readily available. Sometimes I am 60 miles and one shart away from disgrace.
These black skivvies help conceal any skid marks. My wife doesn’t need any extra aggravation when doing the laundry.
The boxer-breif fit is nice too. It keeps the frank n’ beans snug. Also with age, Jimmy & the twins seem to bounce all over the place. This is a comforting fit without being restrictive.
So, right before new years, I went on adventure looking for mini cocktail rye breads from Pepperidge Farm. They used to make one called Jewish Rye, and Pumpernickel.
The Jewish Rye was cool because it contained ground caraway seeds instead of the standard whole caraway seeds. I have had bouts with Diverticulitis, so I try to stay hydrated & avoid tiny sharp seeds. Caraway absolutely ruins sauerkraut, but it is good in rye bread.
Pumpernickel is cool because it essentially is named for the devil’s farts… and if that’s not cool, I don’t know what is. This is also code in my household for “I am always right.” I told my wife the name origin behind it, she said there was no way, Googled it… and, like I said… I am always right.
Did they just stop making those little mini seedless cocktail rye bread things? They are increasingly hard to find every new year. Struck out at Kuhn's & Shop 'n Save, @GiantEagle has been a miss the last few years. Maybe @FreshThymeFM?
I know that the other manufacturer, S. Rosen, make cocktail-sized rye and pumpernickel bread… but the rye is not seedless. Apparently Hanky Panky means something entirely different in some parts of Ohio.
My wife likes to make this stuff for New Year’s that’s like swiss cheese, lemon-pepper, and mayo on the cocktail-sized Jewish Rye then toasted in the oven. It’s delicious. I like to make little mini open faced Reubens. The pumpernickel would be an acceptable alternative if I absolutely can’t find the seedless rye.
Because I’m weird and can’t leave anything alone, we have this…
Hey there, Eric. We're sorry to hear you're having trouble finding our Party Rye and Pumpernickel Bread. Unfortunately, we have discontinued it. We will be sure to let the team know you were looking for it. https://t.co/7lhEBw42Iu
I, of course, posted it on Twitter, Instagram, & Facebook. I tagged Pepperidge Farm & Pepperidge Farm Cares. To their credit, they did reply:
Hi there, we're sorry to hear this! Unfortunately, this variety is no longer available. We will pass along to our team that you want to see them return.
I did tag all the stores that I could in the photo on Instagram and Facebook, but none of them have taken the bait.
I had to turn it up a notch, to which they did not reply:
All of that just says:
Hello,
I was wondering if anyone had time to try and complete my maze while considering bringing back cocktail-sized Jewish Rye.
The ground caraway was awesome, because it isn’t a potential diverticulitis disaster like whole seeds are.
My wife wpuld [sic] use it to make this delicious lemon pepper cheese appetizer, and I like to make tiny Reuben sandwiches and pretend I am a reformed King King that no longer has to eat people sacrificed to me on Skull Island.
The mini pumpernickel is cool just because of the etymology. I mean? It has to be the most metal bread out there. 🤘
How can you discontinue such wonderful things?
Also, AI generated art seems to be the cool thing these days, so I tried to make this on a few different ones to go along with the blog post:
I may have to buy a gorilla suit and make some tiny Reubens with the S. Rosen bread… and convince the wife or kids to take my photo.
Or, I may have to make a maze for S. Rosen, featuring a caraway seed that must make the journey through my guys without getting stuck, causing inflammation & a possible infection. Or maybe it has to make its way through a grinder before beign added to the dough & baked?
@SRosens1909 So, do you guys make a seedless cocktail rye bread, or just the Pumpernickel (the most metal of all breads! 🤘💨)?
I know the big PF dropped the ball and you picked up the slack. Bravo!
I doubt than anyone at Pepperidge Farm or Pepperidge Farm Cares is going to complete my maze. But, if they do, you can thank me later.
As far as discussion here, which I always ask for yet rarely get in the comments, let me know what you do with mini cocktail rye or pumpernickel bread.
Also… Ler’s discuss Reubens. Russian or Thousand Island? Regular rye or marbled? Do you add anything like bacon or swap out corned beef for Pastrami? Do you ever use Havarti instead of Swiss? Grilled in a pan, or on a panini press? I should blog about Reubens. Mmm. I’m hungry.
Also, please, please, complete the maze! Send me the results, post & tag me!
The most important takeaway is that if I tell you something, I am always right. Pumpernickel.
Recent reports have surfaced that Guns N’ Roses’ sole founding member and self-proclaimed demigod Axl Rose may have literally leaked tunes to the upcoming GN’R “reunion” album. TMZ has posted but since redacted an audio clip of Axl Rose passing gas taken via iPhone by a fan in an adjacent restroom stall at a roadside rest stop in Tennessee. Lucky listeners may note that the flatulence has a powerful sound that when transcribed as musical notes or tablature would make an incredible guitar riff hearkening back to the Appetite era, and sounds light years heavier anything on Chinese Democracy.
Axl squeezing one out on stage.
The fan asked Rose to autograph a sanitary toilet seat cover, but Rose declined stating that his new boss, Angus, wouldn’t allow it. Further investigation showed that someone had ripped the dispenser off the wall and urinated all over it anyway.
When Ultimate-Guitar.com reached out to Dave Mustaine for comment, Dave enlightened the all of rock and metal fandom…
“Axl and I had the same voice coach right around the time that I was kicked out of Metallica for writing better riffs than Jaymz and being a bigger douche than Lars. I’m great friends with Slash since we used to do heroin together, but I have to say that Axl’s farts make better riffs than the too-low-in-the-mix guitars the last Velvet Revolver album, whatever it was called.”
Dave went on to tell everyone that he wrote all of the essential building blocks for Metallica’s albums up until the black one, and that he could play all of the Metallica Metallica riffs and solos in his sleep with his balls on a Hello Kitty ukulele.
Sebastian Bach tweeted about the news, adding that Axl’s farts not only sound great, but that they smell like fresh roses and have since 1997. He wishes he could maximize his own lower orifice potential and maybe that would finally convince the other guys in Skid Row to take him back.
Slash and Duff McKagan could not be reached for comment. Dizzy Reed and Gilby Clarke tried to comment, but no one would listen. Steven Alder has an upcoming exclusive interview with the every-other-week best-sale-ever flyer from Guitar Center, keep reading with us for updates when we steal that story before doing any fact-checking.
Matt Sorum still wants to punch Axl in the face, but would take the gig with Axl/DC if the current drummer tries to kill anyone. He has been asking Rush if he can join their band.
Axl has also been rumored to be singing for Queen(to be billed as Rocket Queen), and for Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones, & Jason Bonham in a project billed as Red Zeppelin since Robert Plant won’t return any of their calls. Rose’s trash collector’s brother denies rumors of Axl fronting a Dio-era Black Sabbath/Heaven & Hell tribute tour which may or may not include Bill Ward.
In related news, a special episode of ABC’s Celebrity Wife Swap will have Joe Perry and Slash trade places for a week to see how the other guy deals with each other’s wives & bands for two weeks on tour.
Today’s page struck me as extra funny because I’ve been talking about math & equations via comments on Facebook lately, it’s tax day, a volcano just erupted, and the volume (& frequency) of my flatulence is one of my wife’s favorite subjects.
I thought I’d share my amusement with you.
Thursday April 15th, 2010 - The Fart's Loudness Explained
![Hello,
I was wondering if anyone had time to try and complete my maze while considering bringing back cocktail-sized Jewish Rye.
The ground caraway was awesome, because it isn't a potential diverticulitis disaster like whole seeds are.
My wife wpuld [sic] use it to make this delicious lemon pepper cheese appetizer, and I like to make tiny Reuben sandwiches and pretend I am a reformed King King that no longer has to eat people sacrificed to me on Skull Island.
The mini pumpernickel is cool just because of the etymology. I mean? It has to be the most metal bread out there.
How can you discontinue such wonderful things?](https://aixelsyd13.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/wp-1674692091553.jpg?w=220)
World (and Lunar) Domination 