Tag Archives: Fresh Balls

When will we see a cartoon penis in a commercial?

Posted on by Standard 2

We have seen gross toe fungus and several different mucus cartoons in commercials, we have seen anthropomorphized pills, and we have seen cartoon body parts.  We have heard bastardized Elvis songs and seen randy middle aged or older couples in unapologetic boner pill commercials.

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If we’re making cartoon body parts, I predict the nose is next… then maybe a talking feminine hygiene product, then the talking penis will arrive.  We’ll get a talking penis before we get a talking vagina.  Maybe boobs will win the race.  Boobs always win.  But, we’ve had boobs in advertising for years.  We don’t really need singing cartoon boobs.  (OK, maybe we do.)

Maybe it’ll be an inchworm or caterpillar, or even a hot dog, but it will undoubtedly be standing (pun intended) for a penis.  Remember the ads for a lady’s razor that showed triangle-shaped topiary trees?  We’re not far off.  I don’t know if the penis will be advertising more boner pills (do they really need advertised?), underwear, a jock strap, jock itch, a manscaping product (is that still a thing?), or something new that we didn’t know we needed.

I’m calling it now.  Soon, before traditional TV is relegated to the level of relevance of AM radio… we’ll see a talking cartoon penis trying to sell you something.

What do you think?  Did I miss any other signs of the coming advertising cockpocalypse?  Has there already been a talking ding dong in a commercial?  Have I missed any other anthropomorphized body parts, bodily fluids, or abhorrent infections?  Do you think a singing hemorrhoid or some testicles having a conversation with each other will be first?  Will it be an animated sperm first?  I think that still counts as a win for me.  Let me know if I’m right on the direction we’re headed…

Horrible Christmas Presents…

Posted on by Standard 1

So if you’re looking for a Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa or Festivus gift… You may not want to go with these, unless you’re trying to give some kind of hint that you don’t like the recipient. I’ve heard them advertised on the radio lately, and they’re both just ridiculous.

Go nuts over Fresh Balls!

Go nuts over Fresh Balls!

Fresh Balls – “So Fresh. So Dry.” | It is what it sounds like. Some kind of deodorant, lotion, or talc for application to your apparently sweaty coin purse.  Maybe I’m not active or sweaty enough, but I’ve never considered this a real problem.  They advertise buying it for someone as a gift.  Who’s damp smelly package are you close to on a regular basis?  I have some good friends, and I’ve thankfully never smelled their family jewels.  If I ever do smell someone’s nether-regions, I’ll be sure to tell them about Fresh Balls.

✔ Badass colors ✔ Badass patterns ✔ Badass warranty

✔ Badass colors ✔ Badass patterns ✔ Badass warranty

Seats of Anarchy – “Custom toilet seats for hard asses.” | I love some good terrible wordplay, but the name is almost as atrocious as the idea. I’ve never watched Sons of Anarchy, but do they poop a lot?  If they did, I could see the point to this then.  If your man cave is your bathroom… maybe this would be appropriate?  Someone better get their Copyright and/or Trademark lawyers on this pretty quickly.  Nothing says badass like a camouflage toilet seat, or one with barbed wire.  Guarantee that all your guests will hover!  “Designer” toilet seats for manly men and bikers…  It sounds like a crappy idea.  Get it?  Crappy?  Toilet seat?  Ugh.

So, what have you seen lately what would make a horrible holiday present?  Anything as bad as (or worse than) these?

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