I was on a boat in the ocean exactly once in life. We were far enough out that we could not see land. I was told it was a rather calm sea that day. I still puked over the side. I caught an amber-jack, that apparently was not good eating because of a potential parasite? I am deathly allergic to shellfish, and I am not a fan of the beach. I have probably only had rum a handful of times and it was always mixed with Coke or Dr. Pepper. Still though, who doesn’t love the romance & adventure of pirate imagery, and pirate songs?
This collection of thoughts, reflection, & feelings is delivered not unlike catching a glimpse of a ghost ship in the mist on the barely discernable horizon. Sometimes it’s just hinted at on the whispers of the wind or waves of the open sea. Then, all of a sudden you’re in the crow’s nest surveying the chaos of the poop deck in a storm or in the captain’s quarters as he sips rum and recounts tales of anarchy, punk rock, rebellion, & love by candlelight. Maybe it’s the brig? Or a deserted island. It’s left to the reader to fill in the gaps as they dream of their own adventures, shenanigans, & longing. Who can’t relate to a journey, physical or metaphorical? What is the line really? Get lost in this book, & create your own treasure map to get out or to get further lost. 🏴☠️
Curses, Cutlasses, and Cauldrons by Joel Fatal, Local Troublemaker
After you read Joel’s book, you’ll probably want to listen to my “Let’s Get Scurvy 🏴☠️🦜“ playlist, and maybe even try my treasure map maze (from my book, You Can See Yourself Out). Tell me what you like from the playlist & make suggestions for more songs in the comments!
Teriyaki Stuff [November 19, 2023] Why I want this sauce.
La Choy Teriyaki Terror [December 8, 2023] · I sent a maze to La Choy (Conagra) to literally illustrate my fristration at not being able to find their sauce.
Well, the tweets from before were apparently incorrect. The La Choy teriyaki variety that I liked has been discontinued. I emailed Conagra via webform and found a bunch of names and tried to garner email addresses online, which worked on at least 2 counts. I also got some replies from various grocery stores.
From: Conagra Consumer Care consumer.care@conagra.com Date: Tue, Dec 19, 2023 at 1:03 PM Subject: LA CHOY Consumer Care Response: Case # 06631637 [ ref:!00D800cIJR.!500QU02afd0:ref ] To: [me]
Hello Eric,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to us regarding the La Choy Teriyaki Sauce. There was obvious passion in your correspondence, both for the former product you preferred and for the current product that does not meet your expectations. We’d like to offer some background and what we hope is a worthy alternative.
Previously we produced both the La Choy Teriyaki Marinade and Sauce that you enjoyed, and the La Choy Teriyaki Sauce and Marinade. With two similar sauces available, earlier this year we discontinued production of the La Choy Teriyaki Marinade and Sauce. We work with grocery stores and other retail partners to optimize our product assortment. Through these conversations, we often need to make decisions about discontinuing products. These are difficult decisions, as we know a discontinued product can be a disappointment to consumers.
We appreciate your candid feedback on the current La Choy Teriyaki Sauce and Marinade. This feedback was shared with our brand team and will go to our internal culinary team as well. Every piece of consumer input is valuable to us.
Within the Conagra Brands portfolio, we also offer PF Chang’s Home Menu, and we hope their Teriyaki Sauce is one that you’ll enjoy. PF Chang’s Home Menu is inspired by the tastes and high-quality ingredients of PF Chang’s bistros. The Teriyaki Sauce is part of a collection of sauces we introduced a few years ago, and if you’re interested in trying it, we’d be happy to send you a few bottles. If this would be ok, please reply to this email with your complete mailing address, and if applicable, please include the Unit or Apt. #.
Thank you again for your loyalty to the La Choy brand and the time you spent providing us feedback. Both are appreciated.
From: Conagra Consumer Care [consumer.care@conagra.com] Sent: 12/11/2023, 1:43 PM To: [me] Subject: LA CHOY Consumer Care Response: Case # 06631637 [ ref:!00D800cIJR.!500QU02afd0:ref ]
Hello Eric,
Thank you for reaching out to Ms. Schaefer’s office to let us know you were a fan of our LA CHOY TERIYAKI MARINADE AND SAUCE.
From time to time we reformulate our product recipes, this also includes how consumer preferences change over time. Unfortunately, it’s no longer available but we’ll make sure to share your comments regarding your request to bring back the older formulation with appropriate personnel.
If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact our supervisors at 1-800-722-1344, between the hours of 9:00 A.M. and 4:00 P.M. CST, Monday through Thursday, and between the hours of 9:00 A.M. and 1:00 P.M. CST, on Fridays. Please give reference number 06631637 to the supervisor who answers your phone call. If a supervisor isn’t available, please leave a voicemail with your name and reference number. A supervisor should return your call within 48 business hours.
Thanks again for taking the time to share your feedback.
Thank you for replying. We're unable to provide the recipe as it is proprietary but appreciate your interest in our products. Thank you again for taking the time message and enjoy your week.
From: Guest Relations guest.relations@target.com Date: Mon, Dec 11, 2023 at 4:12 PM Subject: Your Inquiry to Target.com Executive Offices To: [me]
Hello Eric,
Thank you for contacting Target about your experience. I received a copy of your email from our executive offices along with a request to reach out.
Thanks for asking about this “La Choy Teriyaki Sauce and Marinade” we understand you are interested to know if we carry or plan on carrying this. I do apologize, but we do not have this item available in our assortment and at this time we do not have any additional information to share regarding future availability. To view the wide variety of other Teriyaki sauces we do carry please click here.
We appreciate you reaching out and sharing interest with this item. I’ll be sure to share your comments with our buyers.
From: Melissa (Fresh Thyme) support@freshthyme.zendesk.com Date: Sat, Dec 9, 2023 at 10:50 AM Subject: [Fresh Thyme] Re: La Choy Teriyaki Sauce & Marinade To: [me]
Your request (26880) has been updated. To add additional comments, reply to this email.
Melissa (Fresh Thyme)
Dec 9, 2023, 9:50 AM CST
Dear Eric,
Thanks for reaching out! The products available at our stores may differ by location. To find out if your local store carries (product name), you may visit our website http://www.freshthyme.com and search for any of your desired products.
I will forward this to the Store Director for the Bridgeville, PA store location for you as well.
Thank you for being a Fresh Thyme customer! Melissa Fresh Thyme Customer Care
Nothing from Giant Eagle, Walmart, or Shop’n Save.
You should try to solve the maze, & then post it & tag me on social media. I’m @AiXeLsyD on pretty much everything.
I write to you today to invite you on a journey with me. The journey is the quest for the most absolute perfect Teriyaki sauce. You may find yourself wondering if it exists. I can assure you, it does… or at least it did. Over the past few years it has been increasingly difficult to find. You’re surely wondering by now, to which magical elixir I am referring? It is confusing, but I will try to explain: The original La Choy Teriyaki Marinade & Sauce is wondrous perfection, yet the La Choy Teriyaki Stir Fry Sauce & Marinade is devastatingly abhorrent.
I know that “teriyaki” may refer to a style, much like “barbecue” can denote many kinds of sauces, but it ought to be a crime to label these two sauces with the same descriptor. “Ketchup” came to describe the sugary tomato-based condiment we all know today, even though at one point it could have referred to many different things including a sauce with fermented fish.
I have seen the words on the label move around in various orders, so I’m not 100% sure exactly what to call the sauce, or how to differentiate it by descriptor… but I can tell you that the darker sauce in the bottle with the same shape as your soy sauce is fantastic, and the other stuff in the salad-dressing style bottle with seeds floating in it is terrible.
Over the years, I have written to my local grocery store, and they said the distributor discontinued it. I had one local store that carried it, and they have replaced its spot on the shelf with a similar yet inferior brand that we would have called generic in my youth. I have reached out to Conagra on social media, and was told to use the product locator. The product locator shows that no one around here sells that sauce, and seems to indicate it is not available online.
The La Choy website that lists all of the sauces does not show the good style sauce, but only the gross style. Is this an indication that you no longer manufacture the good stuff? Google searches lead to one gallon jugs or full cases. I only need a few bottles at a time. Looking closer, it shows as “out of stock” on some sites. Are you having supply chain issues? Is it being phased out? Is it available only regionally outside of my region?
I am writing to implore you to get me some answers other than the stock “Yes, we still make it. Please use our product locator.” I would like some real concrete answers. I also plan to write to all of my local grocery chains.
Please enjoy the attached maze, to help you as you contemplate a suggested resolution to my quest. Are you able to let me know the names of any of the distributors or local/national grocery chains where I can reach out to request your product, or even independent stores? I am in Bridgeville, PA, USA… just south of Pittsburgh.
I would love email addresses, or even snail mail. I am not a fan of these constraining contact forms.
I look forward to your reply, and thank you for the many tasty dinners that I have enjoyed thanks to your delicious sauce. I won’t even ask for an apology for the terribleness of the other sauce, even though you really should apologize for it.
I thank you for your time and attention, may you have a joyous and cheerful holiday season this year!
Your Hangry Fan, -Eric aixelsyd13(at)gmail.com
Help me on my quest!
I sent that to Conagra’s contact form, well, what would fit, but was able to attach the maze. I also sent it through Facebook and Instagram messages, and tried to reach out via Twitter (again).
I used a google search to find their CEO’s name and their supposed email syntax, and sent the message to several variations of his address. None have bounced back yet, but I doubt they will all go through. I did also email their media relations and investor questions email which I found in a press release.
What’s my next move? Snail mail? Other executives? Board Members? I plan to email local food chains & maybe even smaller grocers. How do I find their distributors? Should I snail mail these out?
I feel like I have been getting the run-around on this for years:
So, @ConagraBrands… how can you (in good conscience) call both of these #Teriyaki sacue with the only tiny disction on the label being one is a marinade & one is for stir fry… while one tastes like kissing an angel & the other like licking a demon's butthole? #LaChoypic.twitter.com/NvNohQ750J
Most people are apparently dimwitted, and when you post “bank” or “mattress store” as a reply to the inevitable “What is being built by the old ____?” posts on local Facebook groups or Nextdoor, they have no idea you are joking.
Let’s, as a society, start providing real information. Usually, it is easy to obtain through a search of township meeting minutes or real estate development sites.
There is no need to speculate that it is Target.
There is no need to tell everyone it is a Dollar General or strip club when it is not.
There is no need to pine for Hills, Kmart, Zayre, Woolworth, Murphy’s Mart, or some other long-gone department store.
If you don’t know, keep scrolling.
If you do know, please post evidence (in the form of a link to concrete proof) to back up the claim.
Also, as an addendum…
Starbucks and Chick-fil-A do not promote unwarranted amounts of traffic. Chick-fil-A is more efficient at directing traffic than the national, state, and local government.
No one cares about township lines. In southwestern Pennsylvania, a building can reside in a township, but have a physical address with a zip code in another town. Any reasonable person will know which one you are talking about by referencing either of these locales. There is no need to point out the difference.
Did we all get that? Am I missing anything? Hit me up in the comments.
On New Year’s Day at approx. 11:25 AM or 11:26 AM EST, there was a sonic boom in Allegheny County or Washington County Pennsylvania.
Immediately, Yinzers took to social media to ask what was going on. Some armchair experts already had all the answers.
The first link shared was from a website called Volcano Discovery. It posts user reported incidents before they’re certified as seismic events before the USGS. At least it’s a url right? It’s on the internet. It must be true.
The next thing that circulated was a phone screenshot of a news story from 2010 about detonating munitions at the airport. The date was left out. No link. Just a screenshot. I saw it all over the place.
Then, the meteor theory started to come out. A blip on an image from a satellite meant to detect lightning showed a flash in an area with no discernable storm systems. A known asteroid being close by for a meteor shower to peak in our area on Jan. 3rd, my be related. I read somewhere but can’t find it now that a chunk of the asteroid most likely entered our atmosphere (now a meteor) at twice the speed of sound, and burned up… resulting in the sonic boom & shockwave.
Yinzers on social media immediately forgot elementary school science class, put on their tinfoil hats, and stated emphatically that there was no flash or no crater, so it could not have been a meteor… therefore had to be anything from top secret military testing of airplanes, to subterranean bomb testing, to nefarious manufacturing at any number of local industrial businesses, to fracking, to gas buildup in mines, to extraterrestrials, fireworks (Yinzers do love their fireworks), and of course… to flatulence related to consumption of the Pennsylvania Dutch classic Pork & Sauerkraut dish as is new year’s tradition. So many fart jokes. Some blamed themselves, some blamed their significant others, one even blamed a cat.
I am fascinated by the videos that people shared form their Ring/Blink/Nest/etc. It sounds like the footsteps of Godzilla. (Mad props to Foley artists everywhere!)
I’m also sort of mad that I didn’t notice it. I was apparently at Sheetz at the time. Good to know I will not see any cataclysmic apocalypse coming. I’ll be taken out before I even know what happened.
Thanks to all the credible sources that reported on this and pieced it together. Thanks to the people who shared video. Thanks to the Illumi-nutty for the wild baseless yet endlessly entertaining fart jokes speculation.
Possible explanation for the Pittsburgh explosion that has not been registered as an earthquake by the USGS – meteor?
GOES-16's lightning mapper saw up a single blip over SW PA around 11:26 am ET, but there has been no storm activity in the area over the past 24 hours.
Did you see the first post and the last post about the maze mugs? Mike has been doing some fun stuff, and I have (very slowly) been working on mazes for the box. Also, Mike posted some fun stuff:
So, what do you think? Want to see mazes on anything else? Want them solvable? Like that packaging or love it? Check out Mike’s other stuff on Instagram! He has been making some killer skateboard decks and a topical T-shirt.
I won’t get into the COVID-19 / Novel Coronavirus outbreak here, but if you’re bored in quarantine… remember you can do all of my mazes. It’d be cool if you finished one, posted on the social media platform of your choice & tagged me.
I need to put a maze on a guitar. I need to update photos of my collection. I want to catalog them here since the sites I have found to do it don’t really suit my needs. Add that to the endless list of unnecessary projects to be completed “someday.”
You can comment below without needing to login to WordPress. I believe it will let you comment via Facebook, Twitter, and Gmail logins among others.
We have gotten some great feedback so far, and I dig it!
I really appreciate Mike helping take my mazes to something other than doodles on paper piling up here at the house, or floating out there in the cyberspace ether unnoticed. Ha ha. I am unable to determine the correct path on how to go about making a book and if there would even be an audience for just mazes. I’m really not into making a theme other than “here are some mazes” outside the occasional inspiration for something else that’s goofy. (Or on something that’s goofy.)
So, recently turning 40 has me reflecting on life in general (which is pretty damn great) & on my accomplishments as a “musician” even though I’m not actively gigging right now.
I’m pretty self-deprecating of my musical talents, but I am proud of the major part of the aural art that I helped create. I compiled and uploaded a few of my favorites after using Audacity to clip out some silence and mp3Gain to try to get all the volume levels somewhat similar.
If you’ll indulge me I’d like to give my thoughts & memories on each of these songs that I was proud to be a part of with AiXeLsyD, Gasoline Dion, & Ernie and the Berts. If I have any of the stories, names, etc. wrong, please correct me in the comments. Being that these are punk rock(ish) bands, you may find the content explicit and/or objectionable. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
🎸
Gasoline Dion – “Shameless Plug”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | Tommy came up with this cool shuffling progression and I played a super easy solo over it. I believe we kept the first take of the solo even though at the time I thought I could do better. It’s not perfect, but it’s fun. It was cool to open shows with this then rip into something completely different. It was called “Tommy’s Jam” until an inside joke on a local message board inspired the new name.
AiXeLsyD – “Wait”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | Probably the first song that I wrote that I liked, and probably the first original that we worked on in the band. We dug on this & recorded it a million times. It morphed a bit, but was basically the same simple jam. Ben doubling the vocals an octave lower and the guitar part at the end really fills it out.
Gasoline Dion – “Pickle Farm”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | Tommy had recorded this song solo, and it contributed to the itch that I needed to scratch when we formed Gasoline Dion. I really liked the melody. I think he stole the lyrics from Space Ghost or Brak. This song to me is about not being a square peg that’s forced into a round hole. I liked singing background vocals & playing guitar.
Ernie and the Berts – “Toybox”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | Erin wanted to start a band to play rocked-out Willy Wonka covers. That never happened. This did. It was the first original that stuck, and an early recording became the soundtrack to a friend’s video project. Dave learned to play drums in/for this band. This is a nice simple driving groove and is the perfect vehicle for the introduction of Erin’s gnarly gravelly voice.
AiXeLsyD – “Hopeless & Heartless”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | I wrote this on the outside of seeing someone with a broken heart. I thought it was pretty catchy. The “whoa-oh’s” are overkill but oddly necessary in my humble opinion. I think An-Die, Ben, & I are all singing on multiple tracks here.
Gasoline Dion – “Cold”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | This riff was a leftover AiXeLsyD riff that almost became part of two songs but never really went anywhere. Mike had some leftover Who’s.Keeping.Score? lyrics that Dave & I re-arranged. Dave & I work really well on arranging musical parts & lyrics. I really really dig Tommy & I singing together on this one.
Ernie and the Berts – “Fred Rogers”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | Erin supposed that a local hero may not really be a hero on this one. Maybe he read that weird urban legend. I really like the guitar part here, although it’s missing some kind of effect in my head. Wah? Phaser? Not sure. Erin let me just go goofy with background vocals here. I felt like Danzig or that Not-Danzig guy in the Cult. I love how this song builds into chaos.
AiXeLsyD – “Stand Up”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | This is where it all pulled together, and it was the last proper thing we recorded. Ha ha. An-Die wrote the riff & lyrics, I arranged them. Ben came up with the guitar noodling& octaves riff. I think I came up with the stupid guitar part for the verse. I really dig my guitar solo here,even though I went too long. (Oddly, this sounds a lot like “Anything, Anything (I’ll Give You)” by Dramarama as played by Buckcherry.)
Gasoline Dion – “Political Songs (With Deep Meaning)”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | I was listening to a lot of the Unseen, I think. I don’t really write political stuff that often. This was taking the piss out of that genre. Dave sounded better on it with vocals. I scream “feet” in the background and give the creepy laugh at the end. We lost the original lyrics, so Dave used what he remembered and made the rest up on the fly. I don’t really think any one ever tried to intemperate a deeper meaning. If they did, they didn’t tell us.
Ernie and the Berts – “Don’t Fuck With Ernie”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | It was hard to tell if Erin was serious or joking a lot of the time. He had a deadpan delivery, and it was hilarious. To deliver this ridiculousness so seriously is hilarious to me. I think I sort of came up with this riff over top of his bass line.
AiXeLsyD – “Dave Ugly’s Girlfriend”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | It’s “Dave Ugly’s Girlfriend”, not “Dave’s Ugly Girlfriend.” People always seemed to get that wrong. Dave Ugly played bass & sang for one of our favorite local bands, Useless Torment. I don’t tell the story as well as An-Die, but Dave was apparently saying he loved him, and An-Die was playing the “even if…” game, and arrived at this. I remember being “mad” when Sum 41 came out as a punk band rapping. I think Boner played guitar on this one and Ben played Drums?
Gasoline Dion – “Bitch Pants Opera”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | I don’t know if we could do this one today. People seem so easily offended. It’s just a joke. We don’t really care if you wear girl pants. We’re not insinuating or implying anything. We look ridiculous too. Another Dave vocals song, I am screaming the high parts. All of us are in the beginning. I think the breakdown was inspired by hardcore /screamo kids in skinny jeans doing the windmill and Peelander-Z’s “S.T.E.A.K.”
Ernie and the Berts – “Ikea”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | Dave suggested I try a little more dynamics with space and clean. Dave is usually right. You can do a lot with the same 3 chords over & over. This was a slice of Erin’s life, full of his observations. We almost got permission to go in & shoot a video there. Somebody must have really listened to the lyrics. He had “nicer” ones prepared just in case we needed to sell out.
AiXeLsyD – “Love, Hopes, Dreams, & Smiles”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] |I think An-Die hated this one. I liked the noodling& the melody. The lyrics are super dumb & trite. The song was made infinitely cooler when Ben put in that volume swell in the final mix. That was never there, then we started doing it live after he did that to the recording. This could probably be punched-up a little bit more.
Gasoline Dion – “Two of a Kind”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | Tommy sings like an angel. I have no idea what in the hell he’s talking about here. I think Dave & Mike made this honky-tonk-ish. I played a little solo under Tommy’s vocals at the end because nobody ever told me not to. The end sounds like the Misfits’ “NY Ranger.”
Ernie and the Berts – “I Don’t Wanna”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | Erin stole this one from a band called Suck-Your-Brains-A-Go-Go. I don’t know if they ever recorded it. I should ask the man who wrote it some time. We made it ours. I think Bengt punched-up some of the guitar & added a bit of harmonies during the recording process.
Gasoline Dion – “Shameless Plug (Reprise)”
[SoundCloud/YouTube] | Same thing as the first track, second solo take by me with a wah pedal this time. Dave is also on guitar making crazy noises and soloing in between all of my notes. Ha ha. If you don’t “get” the speaking part, watch the Josie and the Pussycats movie some time.
I’d love to know what you think, or to read/see/hear your own memories about these bands or in any bands or projects in which you have participated. Did I miss a song or two that you may have remembered or liked? Comments (or likes or whatever is deemed social-media-appropriate) on the songs on SoundCloud or YouTube would be awesome and greatly appreciated, too.
I think you should be able to download a zip of the collection on Google Drive or SendSpace if you’re so inclined. If you can’t get it there, let me know and I can email it to you.
Ask A Pittsburgh Expert: Best Ways To Discover New Music
I was recently asked to put together some thoughts on discovering new music for an article on CBS Local Pittsburgh. The article is now up!
Please take the time to check out the article by local blogger Jennifer Stockdale and share your thoughts here (or on the Facebook link) on how you discover new music:
Comments aren’t available on the CBS Local article for some reason, but please share your ways of discovering new music here, or share a link to the main article on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, or whatever to start your own discussion amongst your friends and peers.
Most importantly, the take-away is that I may now be considered an expert for all of your musical discovery needs.
World (and Lunar) Domination 