Tag Archives: Mr. AiXelsyD

Patience is a virtue. Totino’s pushes the boundaries of scientific research thanks to me.

Posted on by Standard 1

arrange the rolls in a circle on a plate

“arrange the rolls in a circle on a plate”

Oh man.  Does anyone remember my W(aL)D email shenanigans from a decade ago?

One such adventure was writing to Totino’s to ask if they had recommendations for microwaving more than 6 at a time.  They wrote back.  I asked them if I needed to arrange the rolls like wagon wheel spokes or like wagons on the Oregon Trail circling for protection.  I even got some 35¢ coupons that I considered as a research grant.

Have you noticed pizza roll cooking instructions lately?

I won! Information for the people! Research to benefit the masses!

Really though.  This brings up a new series of questions.

When did just arranging in “a single layer become” acceptable?  Who does Totino’s think they are discarding the time-honored tradition of microwaving things in a circle?  Did we learn nothing from our ancestors at Stonehenge?  Did they consult the Softstix team over at SuperPretzel, or just roll forward (pun still intended) with wild abandon?  How do you summon the flavor spirits without the ceremonial circle?

Has the Fibonacci spiral ever been tested as a cooking pattern?  Can Ci3 make me a plate specifically for microwaving pizza rolls and little cheese-filled pretzels with the Fibonacci spiral on it?

Totino's Pizza Roll Microwave Instructions

Pizza Hut Customer Satisfaction.

Posted on by Standard 4

…Or not.

This recently dropped into my inbox:

from    Williams, Corey <Corey.Williams@yum.com>
to    <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
date    Tue, Apr 13, 2010 at 11:40 AM
mailed-by    yum.com

Good morning Mr. Aixelsyd-
I was hoping to have heard from you regarding a telephone number by which I can contact you to discuss your concerns. I see that you have sent your questions to other individuals within our organization as well. I assure you that I am the appropriate person to respond to your concerns and hope to have the opportunity to speak with you soon regarding this topic.
The Allergies & Sensitivities Guide, available through the Pizza Hut web site, indicates products where an ingredient or product contains one of the 8 major allergens.  We maintain strict sanitation guidelines with our suppliers to ensure that this equipment goes through the appropriate cleaning prior to being used to prepare our ingredients.  Nevertheless, out of an abundance of caution, Pizza Hut takes the additional step to inform our customers about ingredients or products that are produced at a manufacturing facility on equipment that may also be used to produce other products or ingredients (for other restaurants and food companies) that contain the allergen.
I hope this sufficiently answers your questions. If you have additional questions concerning this topic please contact me, via telephone, to discuss.
Sincerely,
Corey Williams
Customer Satisfaction
Pizza Hut
972.338.7917
Corey.Williams@yum.com

Well, it seems like I’ve ruffled a feather or two.  Not sure how much more clear I can be regarding not wanting to speak via telephone.  I’m not a phone person, I never have been… and most important of all, I wouldn’t be able to share my correspondence here.

I’m sure this is spurred by my new friend, Rob Poetsch, at Taco Bell.  What does this have to do with Taco Bell?  Yum! Brands.

My $1.05 Pillsbury Research Grant Has Arrived!

Posted on by Standard 1

35¢ OFF

So, you did read my initial letter about Totino’s and the follow-up correspondence, right?  Well, needless to say, my research grant is a little smaller than expected.  Some “cents off” apparently means just that.

I got 3 of these bad boys, entitling me to a whole 35¢ off of one Totino’s product.  One dollar and five cents off of three Totino’s products?  I’m sure I get more than that when I use my Giant Eagle Advantage Card & get them on a regular sale.  Maybe Giant Eagle will double these since they’re less than a dollar…  So I’ll be getting $2.10 worth of free pizza rolls.    I wonder what the regular price is?

Pizza Rolls on Sale at Giant Eagle!

Right now, Giant Eagle has Totino’s Pizza Rolls on sale… 3 boxes for $8.  They say they’re normally 3 for $10.  So… About 40 rolls in the 19.8 oz. bag, 35¢ would get me 4 pizza rolls?  And, I’d only be able to use one coupon with this special, as the Giant Eagle website states that you must buy 3 bags in order to get the $2 off, and the back of the coupon states that no other coupon is to be used with this coupon.  Does the sale act as a coupon?  If not, I could still only use the one coupon at a time… so out of 120 pizza rolls, a whopping 4 would be free?

Perhaps this was a karmic slap in the face?  Maybe a well-deserved one.  You’d think they would simply either not offer any coupons at all… or offer some coupons that are actually worth something… like a BOGO or at least a dollar off.  Perhaps they’re just cheap, or this is all they’re authorized to give out?  It cost them 38¢ to mail me the damn coupons!  That would have been 4 or 5 more free pizza rolls had they emailed me some coupons.  Maybe they know I’m goofing on them.

The letter accompanying the coupons is quite amusing…

Letter from Tracy Boyd @ General Mills

HA HA! I'm using the internet!

When I see someone write “the internet”, I always think of the guy to the right.  I have no idea why.  I just do.  It sounds archaic written down like that.  THE INTERNET!  HA!  HA!

Not sure where to go from here.  Do I write back, and ask for more research funding?  Do I ask to talk to someone else who may be able to offer more money?  Do I write to completely unrelated organizations and as for research grants?  Has anyone reading this ever applied for a grant?  Should I include a research proposal?  Maybe I should just write back, super-excited about the $1.05, saying what a generous gift it is.  Maybe I should ask to speak directly to General Mills or Totino himself?  Heh.  I feel confident in turning this up a notch.

Also… research will definitely go forward.  I will need some time to assemble my team (although, I think I already know who’s in), procure the test product, and schedule a date for the study.

Stay tuned, loyal subjects!

®