You ought to come see some of these shows.


I’m sure you know I’m one of the Berts in Ernie and the Berts.  I’m sure you know we play shows.  I’m sure you’d have fun at one (or two or three or four).  Come rock out with us some time…

Tue. 06/05/2012 @ Altar Bar - Real McKenzies, Goddamn Gallows, Bloody Seamen, Ernie and the Berts

✟ The Real McKenzies ✟ The Goddamn Gallows ✟ The Bloody Seamen ✟ Ernie and the Berts ✟

Tuesday June 5th, 2012 at the Altar Bar (Also, win Ernie’s Pants!)

Fri. 06/22 @ Ozzie's - Nervous Aggression, Don't Wake the Dead, Ernie and the Berts

☠ Nervous Aggression ☠ Don’t Wake the Dead ☠ Ernie and the Berts ☠

Friday June 22nd, 2012 at Ozzie’s Bar & Grill

Fri. 06/23/2012 @ The Fallout Shelter: Ernie and the Berts, Johnnie Lee Jordan, Alex Payne, Joey Molinaro

☢ Ernie and the Berts ☢ Johnnie Lee Jordan ☢ Alex Payne ☢ Joey Molinaro ☢

Saturday June 23rd, 2012 at the Fallout Shelter

Fri. 07/20/2012 @ The Fallout Shelter: OTiS, Scratch n' Sniffs, Ernie and the Berts

☢ OTiS ☢ Scratch n’ Sniffs ☢ Ernie and the Berts ☢

Friday July 20th, 2012 at the Fallout Shelter

As you can see we have a bunch of stuff coming up.  We generally try to be all kinds of fun.  We’re playing with some exciting bands & artists.  We’re playing some new venues & some old favorites.  We’re playing with bands we love & bands we’ve never met.  Each show is an adventure.  Join us!

The Pittsburgh Tunnel Monster gets national attention?


Well, sort of.  The buzz around town on the news & radio lately has been about a survey by a GPS data company called INRIX that calls the sweet spot from Greentree to the Fort Pitt tunnels on the Parkway West here in the ‘Burgh the worst traffic outside of New York or Los Angeles.  Read the Post-Gazette article for all the juicy details.  Here’s an excerpt…

According to INRIX, it takes an average of 13 minutes — nine more than it should — to traverse that stretch. That doesn’t count the time it takes to get there, as morning backups now routinely spill well down the back side of Green Tree Hill and sometimes past Carnegie.

At a delay of nine minutes a day, for a regular commuter that works out to about 36 hours a year down the rat hole, just for the morning rush. According to INRIX, drivers on the 10 worst U.S. corridors may squander up to 60 hours a year stuck in traffic.

Those who while away their mornings in the daily tangle might be inclined to dream of a wider Parkway West or new tunnels drilled through Mount Washington, but financial and topographic realities make that a bit like yearning for world peace.

105.9 WXDX-FM

105.9 WXDX-FM

The guys on the X were talking about it yesterday morning, so I sent Bob a link to my Tunnel Monster blog.  Bob posted it on their morning show blog & I’ve been getting mad hits today because if it.  Ha ha.  Thanks guys!

I do have to say though that the Steely McBeam tunnel monster image isn’t mine.  Someone named Angry Mongo posted it first.

I have one more “artist rendering” from Eric Yano (I’d still like to see more!):

Flying Tunnel Monster

Flying Tunnel Monster (by Eric Yano / Valley of Steel)

And here was the letter to MythBusters & Dirty Jobs, that didn’t get a reply from anyone…

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Feb 27, 2012
Subject: The Pittsburgh Tunnel Monster (Mythbusters & Dirty Jobs team-up?)
To: jamie@m5industries.com, mythbusters@m5industries.com, adam@adamsavage.com, info@mikeroweworks.com, torybelleci@gmail.com, swift@buchwald.com
Cc: info@beyondaction.com.au

Dear Duke of Dirt and Sultans of Science (or Emperors of Explosions?),

I’m a big fan of both of your shows, I believe that I have been watching since the first season of each, and have seen almost all (if not all) of the collective episodes.  My wife & I enjoy the Saturday morning/afternoon marathon runs of each, sometimes they prevent us for doing anything productive (except learning while being entertained of course) for most of the day.  My favorite Dirty Jobs moment has to be an early one… where Mike was at the charcoal factory & asking the guy how you can burn it after it has already been burned and the guy either didn’t know the answer or comprehend the question and started to get irate.  It set the tone for the rest of the series!  Of course I love all the dirty gross stuff like expressing the anal glands during pet grooming… who knew?  Having worked an assembly line myself, I really appreciate that you manage to shed light on jobs that most people never even think about (or know existed).  With Mythbusters, I don’t know how to pick a favorite… I loved the ninja & pirate myths, the ancient mirror laser thing, all of the movie scene recreations (or attempted recreations), the many abuses of Buster, and for some odd reason… the car filled entirely with A/B foam.

If I’m not watching the Discovery Network, I’m over on the History Channel.  My wife likes to remind me that we have about 200 other channels.  I don’t need them, really.

I first attempted this (intentionally humorous) pitch to the people over at history with MonsterQuest or MysteryQuest in my sights.  I had assumed I’d receive some sort of “Yeah, whatever goofball” type of reply.  Sadly I have not received any reply at all.

The more I thought about it, I feel that this is a serious subject.  It would work for Mythbusters… not sure how you could word the myth… but basically your task would be to get to the bottom of seemingly inexplicable tunnel traffic/congestion.  You could look at how people slow down when approaching, how throwing a roadside distraction (like a car accident) in there would effect things?

As for Mr. Rowe, I’m sure that working in a tunnel is a dirty job.  There are nightly cleanings/work in the Liberty tubes some times… and someone sets out traffic cones every day for the changing of a lane’s direction when going into/coming out of the tunnel.  I’m also guessing that being a Mythbuster (or one of their crew) is a dirty job.  Pittsburgh is a little Hollywood lately, why not capitalize on it by coming to check out our little town?  I know Grant & Tori were at the Zabmelli firework factory in New Castle once!

Did you see the incredibly forced Pawn Stars/American Pickers/American Restoration crossover?  You guys could do way better than that, and it would be unscripted.

Here’s the meat of my original email…

I believe that we have a monster in the Pittsburgh area that you may want to check out.  It’s affectionately referred to as the Tunnel Monster.  People in the southwestern Pennsylvania area live in a great fear of the Tunnel Monster.  Many yinzer drivers slow down as they approach any area tunnel… but most especially the Fort Pitt Tunnels, Liberty “Tubes”, and the Squirrel Hill Tunnels.  I’ve heard theories that the tunnel monster also perhaps takes shelter in one or all of the three rivers when not lurking in the tunnel.

Fear seems to increase in times of rain, snow, and (perhaps strangely) before sporting events, holiday festivities, and large concerts.  I believe we have weekday tunnel anxiety between 7:00am & 9:00am, and again from 2:00pm to 7:00pm at all tunnels.  I’ve never heard a first-hand account of an actual sighting, but it’s clear that there is something strange happening at these locations.  There are also spikes of Tunnel Monster fear when traffic accidents happen nearby.  Perhaps the tunnel monster feeds on broken down cars, flat tires, or the corpses left in the wake of fatal accidents?  Rubberneckers seem to be ripe for the picking also.

I have personally seen 18-wheelers get to the entrance of a tunnel and turn completely around, most likely out of fear of the tunnel monster perhaps lurking within the yellow-hued florescent-lit man made caverns.  Some people go through the entire length of a tunnel holding their breath so the tunnel monster doesn’t steal it, or honking their horn the entire way to scare it off.  I’ve seen motorcycles and ambulances go right down the center line at accelerated speeds, no doubt trying to avoid a tragic end.  I’ve even heard of people tapping the roof of their car when spotting a Padiddle to ward off the evil tunnel monster.  The theory perhaps being that the tunnel monster is on the hood of the other car, and its webbed fin (a paddle or “padiddle”) is blocking one headlight.

I have seen strange markings on the inside of they Liberty Tunnels, but they have since been covered-over.  They were strange numbers and hieroglyphic-like symbols that appeared right before a construction project.  Do you think the crews working in the tunnel are in any danger?  Perhaps it’s a conspiracy?  Are they in there hunting for the tunnel monster under the guise of construction efforts while they cover up the monster’s cave paintings?  Could the monster be some sort of Neanderthal, or perhaps a supernatural being, or some sort of demon?

There are countless videos on YouTube documenting fearless drives through the Fort Pitt Tunnels, but I don’t believe that any concrete video evidence has been recorded.  I have attached some artist renderings of the Tunnel Monster that I have found on the internet.  Perhaps you would like your experts to interview the area residents and come up with your own?

I really would like someone to get to the bottom of this Tunnel Monster thing, and I believe that Monster Quest is perfectly suited for the job!  Thank you for your time, I hope to hear from you soon!

So, now you know where my thought process has gone, & how it has developed.  I’d love your consideration for this idea.  Please don’t make me turn to TV shows that I don’t watch like Billy the Exterminator or Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you!

Not afraid of the Tunnel Monster,
-Waldo Lunar

I tried message boards, email addresses, all kinds of outlets… all to no avail.  Party poopers.

Maybe this will get a reply:

Should I try PennDOT or the city of Pittburgh next?

Fort Pitt Tunnel

The Monster’s Lair | Fort Pitt Tunnel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dormont-Brookline Patch


Dormont-Brookline Patch LogoSo, I’ve been a reader of the Dormont-Brookline Patch for a while now.  It’s sort of like an online local paper.  I’ve even commented on quite a few things.  There’s all kinds of stuff going on in these two neighborhoods, as well as the surrounding areas.  It’s a great way to stay informed, and it’s one of the first things I added to Google Reader.

AiXeLsyD13I recently became a blogger on the patch, and you’ll be able to follow my rantings & misadventures here: AiXeLsyD13 on Patch

It will most likely be short blurbs pointing to the general chaos here, but every once in a while I may be inspired to give it some exclusive content.  Maybe I’ll blog about local events, places, etc., or maybe even some personal stuff like food allergies.

Check out my introductory post:

I’m new here.

Have any thoughts/advice?  Think it’s a good introduction?  What should I blog about there?  Should it focus on the area?

SATURDAY! Star Wars, Guitars, and Antiques …all in one place?


A while back, a friend of ours who is a teacher invited my wife & I to a Learning Festival that’s happening at her school this Saturday (May 12th).  I can’t wait to go check it out!  All of my favorite stuff is going to be in one place.  Garrison Carida of the 501st Legion will be walking around in Star Wars attire, there will be a dude showing his guitar collection (there’s 50 of them!), they’ll be raffling a Fender Stratocaster from Moonlight Music, there will be free appraisals of collectables, and much much more!  Looking at the flyer, it’s like I put the thing together with all of my favorite stuff.

Our friend is taking her 7 year old nephew, my wife is taking me.  Ha!  At any rate, I know other geeks read this that may be interested.  Here’s the official flyer:

Apollo-Ridge Education Foundation Learning Festival

Apollo-Ridge Education Foundation Learning Festival – Sat. May 12th, 2012 (Click the image to go to their website.)

So, that’s Saturday 10:00am to 4:00pm at Apollo Ridge School District.  Admission is free, and it’s located at…

1825 State Route 56 East
Spring Church, PA  15686

Check it out, maybe we’ll see you there!

The One Hour Dry Cleaning Myth


Don’t ever go to Century Cleaners on Brookline Blvd. in Brookline.  They’re incredibly rude, unprofessional, and a bunch of false advertisers.

Perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself.

We had a large amount of things going on this past weekend.  My wife’s grandmother passed away early on Thursday morning, her parents were set to close on their old house (her childhood home) & the new one on Friday, we were helping them move along with some extended family on Saturday, there was the viewing Sunday and the Funeral was Monday.

I had just worn my suit in a good friend’s wedding last Tuesday morning, which is another story entirely… but I needed my suit cleaned.  No one wants to be the smelly kid, & I had some wrinkles on the butt of the jacket.  I wanted it to look sharply pressed for the weekend.  Unfortunately, I only have one suit, and planned to wear it twice this weekend with a different shirt & tie.  With the frequency which I actually wear it, one has suited (pun intended) me well.  Perhaps another is in order.

Bethany had the day off on Friday to process everything going on with her Grandma, her parents’ move, & more… so she decided to use it to get some errands done.  I found what I thought to be a one-hour cleaner or at least same day service cleaners online Thursday night, as Model Cleaners (where regularly take stuff) doesn’t offer a same-day service.

I quickly came up with the Century Cleaners profile at the Dormont-Brookline Patch, and this is the description I read:

Dry cleaning establishments have long been a fixture at 1200 Brookline Boulevard and Century Cleaners has done business in this location for eight years. They offer same day service, as well as alterations, drapery cleaning and rehanging and wedding gown preservation. All of Century’s work is done on the premises.

  • Hours: Mon – Fri, 8am – 6pm; Sat, 8am – 2pm
  • Parking: Free lot, On-street: free
  • Services: Alterations, Dry cleaning, Ironing, Leather cleaning

These were among the photos that I saw at the listing…

Century Cleaners - False Advertising

Century Cleaners’ Blatant False Advertising (Photo Credit: Annette Bassett Sanchez, Dormont-Brookline Patch)

So, that little sign on the side advertises “SAME DAY SERVICE” pretty largely, right?  The neon sign right in the middle of the name above the door boasts “1 HR. DRY CLEANING“, right?

They clearly had no intention of providing either service on Friday.

My wife was there in the 9:00 hour, and asked about the 1 hour service.  This was the first of several local errands for the day.  Right away she was met with resistance, and asked what the suit was needed for.  At this point, what does it matter?  Whether it’s needed for a job interview, a funeral, a wedding, a TV appearance, for first contact with aliens at midnight, or just lounging around the house… urgent completion was requested.

She then asked about same-day service.  Again, “When do you need it by?”

Again, what does it matter?  Whether we’re meeting the pope and the president this afternoon or going to shoot a porn movie, what business is it of theirs?  She requested one hour service, is now deferring to same day.  It was 9:00am and the were open until 6:00pm.  The sign boasts that they do the work there & don’t send it out.  Surely that would be enough time to clean a suit… even if there were many other urgent cleanings ahead of us in line?

I could almost see being denied same-day service at 4:00 or 5:00pm, but 9:00am?  That’s just ludicrous.

Already harrowed from everything going on, and in shock from being argued with by someone behind the counter at a service-oriented business, she told them that we needed the suit for a funeral on Saturday, and they negotiated to a pickup first thing in the morning.  She asked what time they opened on Saturday and they said 7:00am, so that was that.  We thought.

We were to be at her parent’s old house by 7:30am that Saturday to start to help with the move, so 7:00 was cutting it close.  We stopped & bought donuts, got some ice for the water in the cooler, and were parked on the street in front of the dry cleaners’ at 6:55am.  A woman arrived shortly before seven, propped the door open, & went inside.  I gave her a few minutes to get settled then walked in shortly after 7:00am, ticket in hand.

The woman was in the back of the room behind miles of clothing hung on racks, and I had a few minutes to soak in my surroundings.  Paint and/or wall-paper of several different layers was peeling from the walls.  There is a cluttered desk by the front window that must serve as the office… not sure why it’s not behind the counter or the counter isn’t adjusted to make it fit.  It seemed rather unclean for being a professional cleaning service.

The woman wove her way up front and greeted me friendly enough.  I handed over my ticket and declared that I was there to pick up my suit that had been dropped off yesterday.  She looked at my ticket, and then at a ticket hanging by itself on a wire behind the counter next to a few articles of clothing that held their tickets.  She looked at the ticket hanging by itself, then back at me.  She asked what it was for.

I was exasperated at this point.  What does what it’s for have to do with anything?  Maddeningly irrelevant questions and repetition of questions are the two things that get under my skin instantly.  I remarked that it was for a funeral.  She said “oh, it’s not for a wedding?”

This has nothing to do with the location of my suit, or why its matching ticket was hanging alone on a wire behind the counter.  I reaffirmed that it was not for a wedding, but a funeral.  My answers undoubtedly became short and quiet at this point, but I remained polite.  Seeming to be the only one capable of asking relevant questions I asked “So, where’s my suit?”

At this point, the phone rang and she was asking someone about the suit.  I told her that my wife had been there at 9:00am the previous day, had requested one hour, then same day service… and was told the earliest we could get it was upon the shop opening in the morning.  She asked what time I was told we could get it.

Wow.  I reiterated that we were told it would be ready at 7:00am.  I’m sure I was visibly agitated at this point.  The woman looked at me like I was a bomb about to go off.

After a hushed conversation with the mystery person on the other end of the phone line, she disappeared into the mass of clothes hanging behind the counter.  She eventually popped back out with my suit.  It wasn’t on a hanger.  It was much more wrinkled than it was when Bethany had dropped it off.  It was apparently on the side of a bin or on the floor somewhere in the back overnight.

She stuttered as she told me that it hadn’t been cleaned and asked when I needed it by.

Really?

I said, “Well, yesterday.”

If I was going to be asked stupid questions, I was going to give stupid answers.

Pointing to the sign in the window, I asked how they could advertise 1 hour service if they clearly have no intentions of providing such a service.

The woman muttered something about it being an “orange” ticket and it meant it was a rush… but then it trailed off. She never even acknowledged my question.  She picked the pinned tags off of my suit and placed the rumpled mess on the counter.  I wasn’t offered any solutions.  I wasn’t offered an apology.  I wasn’t offered a free service.  I wasn’t offered a rush cleaning & delivery.  I wasn’t offered anything but my suit in a ball of wrinkles.

I never raised my voice.  I never uttered a curse word.  I never asked her how she was going to rectify the situation… because at this point I had absolutely no confidence in any service that they could possibly hope to provide.  The only acceptable thing at this point would have been for them to pay for one hour service at some other dry cleaner… but I’m sure that wouldn’t be an option to them.  They could offer me free dry cleaning for life at this point and it wouldn’t get me to ever drop anything off there.

Even if they had offered to clean it, they closed at 2:00pm, and with the move happening on the northern end of town, there was no way I could be back by then.  I mean, we had to go through a tunnel and over a bridge.  This is insanity in Pittsburgh.

I got back into the car and uttered something to the effect of “I can’t believe it, they didn’t clean my suit.”  Although, it was peppered with and punctuated by expletives.  My wife looked at me like I had just told her that I was Batman.  It was a look of utter disbelief.  She knew I wasn’t joking because I was quiet.  Generally I get quite quiet when I’m angry.  She said that she shouldn’t have left it there in the first place… but what were we to do?  They were the only place that advertised 1 hour or even same day service… even if they didn’t deliver.

We swung over to another local cleaner in Dormont.  They don’t advertise 1 hour cleaning or even same day service… but I thought it may be worth a shot.  They didn’t open until 7:30, and it was still only about a quarter after.  I had my wife call her dad because he had told us of a place in the north hills that does do same-day service as advertised.  That was the direction we were heading, so it was probably the only chance I had of getting a clean suit at this point.

My father-in-law recommended Don Royal Cleaners on Mt. Royal Blvd. in Shaler.  That’s where we went.  It wasn’t far from where they were moving, so it wasn’t too out of the way to make the drop-off.  My wife called the cleaners as we were en route to make sure they they did indeed offer same day service and what their hours were.  They were open.  We stopped.  The place was spotless & had elegant marble counter tops.  The girl at the register was friendly.  She took my wrinkled suit and smiled when we asked what time we could get it back that day.  I think they told us 2:00 or 3:00pm.  They were open until 8:00pm, so that gave us plenty of time to help her parents with the move & to swing back down to Shaler on the way home to pickup my hopefully clean & pressed suit.

The move went off without a hitch, and the suit was picked up without a problem.  We attended the viewing & funeral in Fairchance on Sunday & Monday and I was looking like a car salesman or like I was about to knock on your door & hand you The Book of Mormon or a Watchtower pamphlet.

Perhaps I should have had my weekend itinerary typed up for Century Cleaners?  Was it my error?  I could have pinned it to the suit or put it in the pocket.  I’m going to have to work on some amusing answers if I’m ever asked such irrelevant questions in the future.  What’s the suit for?  It’s for a a con scheme where I have to appear well-dressed and wealthy in order to swindle someone out of their money.  When do I need it by?  1:15am, on October 25th, 1985.

When you order a pizza, the person taking your order doesn’t ask what it’s for or when you need it by.  Can you imagine calling a pizza joint and them asking “Is this for a birthday party?  Can you pick it up tomorrow?”

How can these places advertize that they’re “1 hour” or “same day service” when they clearly can’t handle it, or don’t even intend to?  Do they think you’re padding when you need something by?  It shouldn’t matter.  You should get it when you ask for it to be done.  You’re paying them to provide a service.

I’ve run into this years before with a cleaner in Murrysville (They have a different name/owner now, so I won’t call them out).  They too never answered the one-hour question.  They just stared at me blankly.  I believe that was just a shirt & tie… not even a full suit.

Is this a conspiracy?  Does it involve the Freemasons & the Illuminati?  Should we call Brad Meltzer and the History Channel?

I see from searching online that another place nearby does offer same-day service… Has anyone dealt with Suburban Dry Cleaners?  They look rather reputable and they have a nice clean website… something Century Cleaners lacked.  Then again, I can’t find one for Don Royal either, and they were great.

So, how should they have handled the situation?  What should they have done as compensation?

Should I write them a letter or send them this blog?  Should I write & ask why they don’t provide 1-hour service?  I could call, but that’s not entertaining for the reader unless I can learn to record my phone calls.

Should I just put up a bad review on every review site I can find?

Should I complain to the Better Business Bureau?  How does that even work?  It’s only the cleaning of a suit, it’s not like they lost or destroyed it… or it was a thousand-dollar service.  It’s just incredibly aggravating.

Should I write to other dry cleaners and ask them how they would have handled such a situation?

Has this ever happened to you at the dry cleaner, or anywhere else?

How would you handle or how have you handled this situation?

Does 1 hour dry cleaning even exist anywhere?  How can they get away with advertising a service that they can’t or won’t provide?

Ernie and the Berts, The Steel City Slingers, & Look Out Loretta! – Friday the 13th at Howler’s!


I stole this post from Ernie and the Berts.  One week from tonight!

FRIDAY THE 13th AT HOWLER’S!

We’ll be rocking with the shockingly scandalous Steel City Slingers and whoever’s brave enough to step up to the plate!  Here are the details so far, with an incredible flyer by the Slingers’ own Zach.

FRIDAY THE 13TH!

Here are the details so far…

The Bands:

The Place:

The Details:

My guest post on Ya Jagoff!!! | Who Designed The Fast Food Drive Thru?


I thoroughly & regularly enjoy YaJagoff.com.  The rants & raves remind me of my own lunatic ramblings, especially all the goofy yinzer parkers and things overheard on the bus.  I’d suggest adding Ya Jagoff!!! to your blog roll or news reader or subscribing via email or following on Twitter or Facebook or whatever you kids do these days.

One of the cool things about the site is that they occasionally feature guest blogs, and I was invited to send one in… so I did!  Check it out, and maybe even comment when you’re over there.  Take some time to poke around.

Ya Jagoff!!! | Who Designed The Fast Food Drive Thru?

Who Designed The Fast Food Drive Thru?

Who Designed The Fast Food Drive Thru?

My guest post on Ya Jagoff!!! | Who Designed The Fast Food Drive Thru?

Nostalgia…


So, I upped a bunch of old songs to SoundCloud.  Some aren’t bad.  Some are terrible.  (There’s some AiXeLsyD, some Gasoline Dion, & even some Ernie and the Berts for good measure.)  Feel free to enjoy and/or ignore.

AiXeLsyDI have had many many fun times writing songs & jamming with all of these cats over the years. We have recorded some good stuff, met interesting people, and played some absolutely wild parties & shows.  It’s awesome to have played at parks, in basements, on small stages, in garages, in countless dive bars, on big stages, in back yards, a sports bar, band battles, in cool rock bars, an Elks lodge, a dorm room, American Legions, skate parks, VFW’s, theaters, Fire Halls, and even live on the radio.  (Places I haven’t played yet… on a boat, under-water, on a moving flatbed, outside of the U.S., on TV – Ernie, can you get on booking that?)  Some people even dug our stuff.

Gasoline DionI’m glad to be able to continue to rock out with some old faces & some new faces.  I enjoy that I’m still playing shows, going to shows, rocking out with talented dudes, & continually meeting & being influenced by local musicians & those that are just passing through.  We get together to rock out & have a great time doing so …all while trying to be as goofy as possible.  I’m glad I fell into punk rock as there’s a sense of humor about it all.

Ernie and the BertsI enjoy the exchange of knowledge, whether it’s music trivia geekery, guitars & amps & how they work & how to play them, or just general rock n’ roll legends.  I enjoy being obsessed with goofy guitars yet able to appreciate a nice normal axe.  I enjoy making fun of bands that are doing absolutely terrible things, taking too long to set up, playing too long, or have terrible names.  I enjoy being the target of the same kinds of jeers.

In honor of Saint Patrick’s Day coming soon, I’d like to toast my fellow musicians whether I’ve been in a band with you, shared a stage with you, or just been to one of your shows and told you how much it rocked.

☘  Here’s to cheating, stealing, fighting, and drinking! ☘

If you cheat, may you cheat death.
If you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart.
If you fight, may you fight for a brother.
And if you drink, may you drink with me.

Please, share with me some memories of the crazy paces you’ve played, the fun (or terrible) times you’ve had with your bands… whether you were in one with me or not.  Share some of the music too!

Tunnel Monster ☠ Artist Renderings


So, I had some Tunnel Monster submissions, but I’d like some more.  These hail from Josh, Joel, & Ian. Thanks to those guys for being awesome and taking the time to create these artist renderings.  These men are true believers in the Tunnel Monster.

No replies from anyone at History or Discovery either.  Poo, I say.  Poo.  Poo indeed.

Get on it, people!  We need more!  Aren’t you curious as to what the Tunnel Monster may look like?  No one put a Sarlacc in a tunnel hole?  I find your lack of participation disturbing.

Not submissions, but fun recommendations from Zemanta…

Tunnel monster.jpg

Tunnel monster.jpg (Photo credit: Oyvind Solstad)

monster in the tunnel

monster in the tunnel (Photo credit: danielle_blue)

The Special Edition version of the sarlacc wit...

Image via Wikipedia

Inspiration from Hoke·E·Geez (My new ‘New York Pro’ Strat copy)


So, I bought a guitar this past Saturday.  I wasn’t looking for a guitar.  This guitar was looking for me.

Hoke·E·Geez | INDOOR FLEA MARKET · CRAFTS

...and SO MUCH MORE.

Some of my extended family had rented out the lodge at our church camp for the weekend.  My cousin & I were out killing time and exploring while the ladies stayed in for their main objective; scrapbooking.  When in the area with time on my hands, a trip to Hoke·E·Geez is an absolute must.  It’s located right on Route 30 in Bedford PA by the Sheetz(Sheetz is a good bright red & yellow landmark, right?)

In what was once (perhaps obviously for people my age and older) an Ames department store, rests the one of the craziest/coolest places I have ever been.  My first trip there was in search of antiques… I collect old Coca~Cola & other glass bottles.  I had no idea what I was in for.  Hoke·E·Geez is full of …Everything. 

Stuffed Squirrel on display (& for sale!) at Hoke·E·Geez (Bedford, PA)

"Help! I'm not dead! Some redneck just stapled my nuts to this driftwood!"

It’s got crafts, antiques (from old pop bottles to the machines), furniture, a weird leather biker-jacket section, a hardware section like someone emptied a Harbor Freight in 1978 and dumped it there, of records, new stuff made to look old (think the store in Cracker Barrel), toys, tools, books, records, a section chock full of cassette tapes (mostly hair metal), musical instruments of all varieties, a stuffed squirrel that my cousin photographed with his phone, nunchucks, swords, toilets, knives, flooring, gun parts, cabinetry, pistol crossbows, stuff you’d see in a thrift store or at a garage sale, a Weinermobile pedal car, … and other scattered oddities/treasures.

Yeah, I said musical instruments.  Of course, I flock nearly immediately to the old guitars.  Hoke-E-Geez also serves as an aged acoustic graveyard.  They have several dried out yet beautiful acoustics ravaged by time & strings that pull the neck past the point of no return. They would be great as decorations, or for this…

Guiar Fail | Acoustic Guitar Recycling

Guiar Fail | Acoustic Guitar Recycling

There I Fixed It | First Smash, Then Season

There I Fixed It | First Smash, Then Season

In fact, if I ever find one for the right price, it might make a cool antique bottle shelf… with some glass shelves & a light or 2.

Back to the story at hand though…  There we are strolling through the wonderland that is Hoke·E·Geez, like a bee doing its “tell the others where the honey is” dance. We were exclaiming “Woah!”, “Look at that!”, or “What is that?” with each erratic hop to the next section.

Toy Accordion (or Button Box?)

I can already play "Iron Man" and "Happy Birthday" (very poorly).

The first beauty I spied was this toy accordion for $12 and change.  It seems ridiculous and awesome.  Maybe I’ve seen The Bloody Seamen one too many times lately.  Looking online, it seems to be a fair price… and not difficult to master. I’m not sure of the name brand.  I have no idea if it’s a Hohner, Schylling, Barcelona, First Act, or something else.  I have found a bunch online that look similar.  This doesn’t match the colors of any others exactly, and of course it has no brand/name/logo in it.  Also, it appears that I have been shorted a book.  Also, is this really an accordion, or is it just a button box?  What’s the difference?  Are the butterfly-like designs up top too girly?

The next thing of interest that I saw was this beautiful New York Pro Strat knockoff…

New York Pro - Natural Finish Strat Copy
“Psst… you, yeah you… buy me. Yeah. I know I’m not a goofy guitar, but you need me. Look at my woodgrain. It’s not fancy or elegant, it’s just ‘there’. Buy me. I probably have really crappy electronics and hardware. Buy me. I bet no one has ever heard of ‘New York Pro’ or knows where we’re made. Buy me!
New York Pro - Strat Copy

New York Pro - Strat Copy

Well, the photo to the left is the photo that I sent to my wife along with the price, asking (only half kidding) if I should buy it.  There was some other black no-name Strat copy behind it.  The body on that black POS wasn’t nearly as solid, hefty,  or well-cut.

My cousin pointed it out I believe, & remarked on the natural finish.  I was stuck drooling over the $95 price tag since the neck was straight, there were no cracks, and it was nice solid body.  This was about the time we got into a conversation with a local cat who was into weird guitars and punk rock… and actually in a punk rock band up that way.  I can’t remember the name of the band.  I need to pop stuff like that into my phone.  The guy stopped & asked if I really had an accordion in the box marked “Accordion”.  I showed it to him & he’s the one that remarked that it was a button box & not an accordion.  After talking forever about weird guitars, rocking out, and goofy venues… we moved on.  He mentioned that there were other guitars “over there” pointing to a little music store-like area within the hallowed walls of Hoke·E·Geez.

This is where we happened upon some beast, made by a local cat that goes by Merle Kegg or Merle R. Kegg.  One of his custom-built axes had the letters “M R K” on the headstock.  The first one I spotted was a doubleneck… one 6 string guitar & one mandolin neck.  Yeah.  You read that right.

Merle R. Kegg - Guitar/Mandolin Doubleneck

Merle R. Kegg - Guitar/Mandolin Doubleneck

I apologize for the horrible quality cell phone photos, but I’m sure you get the point.  I find it an odd placement for the pickups… but then again some people like that neck pickup sound.  I generally stick as close to the bridge as possible.  The custom cases are pretty cool.  Then I came upon this one…

Merle R. Kegg - White Guitar

Merle R. Kegg - White Guitar

It caught my eye, and I believe the price was only $64 or $65… but I didn’t even take it out of the case once I got a closer look.  If there was a Regretsy-like site for homemade guitars, this may top them all.  I mean, I love the shape… and I respect the intent and the labor that went into this beast, but… wow.  The placement of the bridge directly up the neck’s ass is crazy.  The pickguard looks like flooring or wall tile.  I’m hoping this cat is Amish or 97 years old or has 7 fingers total or something.  I hate to be so harsh, but when I think a guitar is ugly, we have a problem on our hands.  There was no attempt to smooth out the edges or anything… the paint is applied like it’s the side of an outdoor shed… not a guitar.  Wow.  I’d like to see more of his work, maybe these were the odd ones out.  If you know anything more about his work, please post in the comments!  There were some other cool guitars (not made by Merle), ukuleles, mandolins & other stuff in that section.

I still hadn’t received a reply from the wife.  I got the accordion, my cousin picked up a few things, and off we went.

When we got back to camp, I asked my wife if she had seen the text with the photo.  She hadn’t.  She checked it out & liked it.  She asked that if I got it I could place it on the stand in the living room instead of my Batman Logo guitar.  She liked the wood (which I have since come to learn is mahogany).  We talked it over and she suggested that I go get it.  I told her it would need new guts, but she was still behind the idea.  After lunch, my cousin went to a nearby farm to hunt coyotes, and I went back to Hoke·E·Geez to hunt that guitar.

I came back with my prize:

New York Pro - Stratocaster Copy

New York Pro - Stratocaster Copy

I also managed to stop by the Bedford Banjo Shop.  It was small but very cool and reasonably priced in there.  They had banjos, guitars, ukuleles, mandolins, & more.  They were also very friendly and quite busy.  I tried to stop by another store nearby, but they were closed as it was after 2:00pm.

I have plans for this guitar… GFS Lil Killer rail pickups, some wooden knobs, a leopard-print pickguard, black hardware (& bridge & tuners), and I guess a leopard-print strap.  As soon as I put away some money, I hope to get all this stuff & have it all set up nice & pretty.  My go-to guitar guy has been Aaron at Lawrence Music lately.  He helped set up the Batman Logo guitar… and dropped in my Seymour Duncans.

Oh what I'm gonna do to this guitar...

Oh what I'm gonna do to this guitar...

You didn’t think I’d leave it alone did you?  It needs something in order to fit in with my other guitars.

I’m still at a loss with any concrete information about the New York Pro brand.  I’m not sure if it’s pumped out of a Chinese factory that puts many different brands on the same guitars?  They do have an odd cut in the top of the headstock that seems to be on every NY Pro guitar I’ve seen online.  I’ve seen them as kit guitars, for $99, for $149.99 and for $279.95.  Maybe they’re made by Galaxy Guitars and the same as their Starfire line?  It looks like they might call it the “Galaxy New York Pro Star Gazer”.  They may be distributed by Lou Capece.  I may have to write to them for more information.

If you have any comments/stories about Hoke·E·Geez, any information about the accordion/button box, any info on that other guitar store in Bedford, any information about the New York Pro brand, or any comments/suggestions about my plans for the guitar… I’d love to hear ’em!  Please share in the comments below!