Tag Archives: Pennsylvania

Five. Five dollar. Five dollar… foot up your ass.

Posted on by Standard 13

So last night, I snapped. I have finally seen and heard my fill of Subway commercials.

Granted, there are certainly more annoying ad campaigns out there right now, and there will be in the future. But this snap sparked the ignition of the realization that I used to love Subway, and now I hate it. There’s no one reason, or even a real reason. There’s nothing that a rational person can do to change any of it or for it to make any difference or have any significance.

That’s where World (and Lunar) Domination steps in.  You may have seen my letters to companies on past message boards or blogs… maybe not.  From time to time I get goofy, and take it out on corporate America.  Sometimes the responses are serious, boring, nonexistent, intentionally funny, or unintentionally funny.

I have been encouraged to keep these rants somewhere, hence this WordPress blog.

I submitted the following (with some editing help from my friend Dave) via webform at Subway.com:

Hello Sandwich Art Dealers,

I’d like to start out by saying I find that web submission comment forms are generally a letdown. As the submitter you’re usually sent a ‘form letter’ type of reply that doesn’t address any specific issues, and thanks you for the input. Less often, it’s followed up by a seemingly more caring missive that really doesn’t address anything specific, and sometimes attempts to placate the sender with some coupons, a T-shirt or something to that effect. It’s also generally a letdown, because I can’t cc myself a copy of what I sent, and it’s a 50/50 shot of whether my original comments are to be included in any future correspondence. Then there’s the issue of the dreaded “Your message exceeds XXXX characters” error message. When did someone’s opinion become relegated to a set limit of letters, numbers, and punctuation, my friends?

At any rate, I should move on to the point of my web form submission, as I’m sure you’ll agree by this point. I write to you today to express my general dissatisfaction with the state of Subway as it stands today.

At the top of the list: the inclusion of the seafood sub on your menu. This has plagued me for years. I have a severe shellfish allergy, and will go into anaphylactic shock if any food that I ingest were to come into contact with crab, lobster, shrimp, oyster, etc., or even the same food prep area. I have seen more than a few Subway employees who aren’t exactly sanitary in their sandwich artistry, flinging microscopic bits of crab (or imitation crab) meat all over the adjacent meats, cheeses, vegetables, and cutting board area. The last time I had this discussion with a slovenly employee at the Subway in the Kuhn’s Plaza on Banksville Road in Pittsburgh, PA… as I explained that my sandwich must not touch any shellfish or remnants of shellfish she touched the eternally-damned-to-the-wrong-function ice cream scoop that had been sitting in the red and white pile of mushy death and swung it all around spewing certain doom to the immediate food prep area and all the while exclaiming something to the effect of “Well, that’s OK, no one ever orders this stuff anyway.” I just stared blankly in disbelief as a reply. If she didn’t already know what her sandwich-baggied hands had just touched and distributed the contaminant that I had previously noted was a toxin to my system, then there was no way I was going to be able to impart this wisdom to her. I found myself having to exit on that occasion, to never return to that location.

Are sandwich artists trained in the ways of sanitary work stations, cross contamination, allergens, and general good hygiene? One would hope, but the question has been raised.

How can I complain about Subway if I never eat there, you ask?

— Message 1 of 2 — To be continued

Hilariously enough, their webform did only allow 3000 characters, so I had to split the message into two parts…

— Message 2 of 2 — Continued from previous message

I did discover that I could get my Subway fix due to the limited-menu Subway located inside the WAL-MART in Heidelberg, PA. After all, as I’m sure you know… the smell of your bread baking is intoxicating. Sadly my friends, that is where the romance ends. I used to applaud the meatball sub from Subway, and held it as the standard to which all meatball subs were to be measured. This was once upon a time when the bread was doughy, the triangle was removed from the top, and replaced… keeping the meatballs secure in a blanket of cheese to ensure safe delivery to my digestive system. I know, this was a lifetime ago, but it still burns, amigos. It still burns. (I even remember the waffle fries that went through their own tiny toaster oven which have sadly gone the way of the Dodo.)

Have you seen the Left-Handed Cartoon about Subway, cheese tessellation, and soul-crushing disappointment? A friend of mine posted the humorous drawing on a message board a while ago… and sadly it rings true of the current state of Subway. (It’s located at http://www.lefthandedtoons.com/77/ for your reference if needed.)

Lastly, I find the current crop of five-dollar foot long commercials to be among the most annoying in the world… especially the one with Jared and the football players. What advertising company actually took money for that? Hopefully it was an in house idea. If not, then you were played (as they say in the streets).

As noted in my opening paragraph, I understand that is customary to include a trite reply and coupons in apology for dissatisfaction. If so inclined… please make sure they’re for Jersey Mike’s, Quiznos, or Sheetz. (FYI, Sheetz touts a far superior foot-long sub for only $4… This reminds me of when you guys started toasting subs after Quiznos moved to town.) I would include W.G. Grinder’s, but they recently started serving a crab-cake sub, so they’re also on ‘the list’. Perhaps a Jimmy John’s coupon would work? They’re fairly new to the Pittsburgh area, and I’ve yet to go to one… I wouldn’t mind trying them out! Jersey Mike’s is by far my favorite though. They’re not the cheapest, but worth the price in quality! Being a national chain, you may not be familiar with local Pittsburgh area heavyweights Carhops or Uncle Sam’s. They would be sandwich makers to emulate!

If you’re not comfortable providing a coupon to a direct competitor, I understand completely. I would also appreciate any discounts from Qdoba, Chipotle, or the Pita Pit.

Thank you for your time, I look forward to your personally tailored reply, and perhaps a continuing dialog on Subway’s sandwich artists, advertising, and overall quality of the name brand.

Best Regards,
-Eric AiXeLsyD
W(aL)D

I hope the emails go to the same person, and aren’t split across some you-take-this-one,-I’ll-get-the-next-one kind of automated system.

Thanks again to Dave for the editing and re-arranging help, the chaos needs reigned in every once in a while.

Can’t wait to see if we get a reply to this one!

Senator Wayne Fontana Reads His Mail.

Posted on by Standard 9

I had posted the following on my Facebook page and PittsburghBeat.com while ago, and wasn’t really sure if I’d get a response. Enough people seemed to be entertained by it, that I thought it did its job. Today, I got a letter in the mail from Senator Wayne Fontana. It’s also following the following.

So, tonight the doorbell rings… Bethany answers, and it’s a young woman from Clean Water Action. The girl at the door proceeds tell Bethany that she’s out raising support to clean up our waterways, and that if we like clean drinking water we ought to sign this petition.

Bethany signed after the girl at the door pointed to some bulleted talking points on her clipboard saying pollution is bad, and she then asked for a donation. Bethany, agreeing that clean water is good (and just wanting the girl to go away) gave her a check for $5.

The young lady at the door was very polite, and probably out for a good cause that she believes in wholeheartedly. I applaud her conviction and dedication.

Then, Bethany was given the following pamphlet and asked to write a letter to PA State Senator Wayne Fontana and leave it out on the porch for the young woman to pick up on her way back through in about a half hour.

The young political activist even handed Bethany a blank sheet of paper on which to write the letter. I found this very considerate.

Bethany sat down, perplexed at what to write. It’s hard to write a letter about an issue that you’ve just learned of minutes ago, mere seconds of those minutes being devoted to actually explaining the issue. She considered aloud just copying the text outlined in the “Tell Them” section of the handout and singing her name, and laughed.

You all know I like to write letters, so I happily offered to write in her stead.

I wrote:
Dear Senator Fontana,

My wife was asked to write this letter by a door-to-door political solicitor about an issue that was explained to her in less than 30 seconds with talking points laid out that (of course) over-simplify some situation about clean water initiatives.

She was asked to donate money to their cause, which she did, under duress.

I do not support their cause, and most likely their proposed bill includes some kind of legislation that will take property out of private hands for government use, or raise our taxes.

I’m sure there’s something that we’re not being told, or some sort of political affiliation or philosophy that’s not anything like mine behind this agenda.

Do I want clean water? Of course I do. Do I want anything else these people are pushing for? Probably not.

Perhaps a bigger issue to tackle would be to pass laws saying that people can’t solicit political issues door to door.

So, in closing, I apologize for wasting your time, my time, this envelope, a stamp, this ink, and this paper. I’m sure a Prius-driving sandal & socks wearing liberal is crying somewhere at my waste of precious resources.

Don’t you guys have e-mail addresses? I would love to hear your thoughts on the issue, and these “Clean Water Action” people. You can waste more ink, paper, stamps, & time by contacting me at the address above, or via email at my_email@ddre.ss.

Annoyed,
-(mE.)

We addressed it to Sen. Fontana, placed it in a sealed envelope, stamped it, and placed it on the porch for pickup by the young activist.

I do hope to get some sort of reply. Thanks to that woman for prompting this action, and for delivering my important message to the senator.

And, as promised, the response…

Yours is not the first story I've heard about the organizations's tactics in garnering support for their efforts.

Yours is not the first story I've heard about the organizations's tactics in garnering support for their efforts.

I think it’s awesome that the senator took the time to not only read my letter, but also to form a well-thought-out response.  This certainly does not appear to be a standard reply letter, and it’s good to know that others feel the same way.  Maybe something does get done by writing to your local politicians.

The last paragraph may not be what I needed to hear.