Category Archives: Funny Stuff

Giant Eagle Market District | Educating Yinz Guys N’at

Posted on by Standard Reply

At the new Market District in Robinson, I laugh every time we go in the side door by the cafe & I see this sign:

PRETTY PLEASE! (with a cherry on top) USE MAIN ENTRANCE ←with a cart― NOT THE ROTATING DOOR

sign for the special sort of Yinzer...

In case you can’t read it (or see the photo), it says this:

PRETTY
PLEASE!
(with a cherry on top)
USE MAIN
ENTRANCE
←with―a―cart―
NOT THE ROTATING
DOOR

Yeah.  Apparently people need to be told things like this.  It makes me want to try to squeeze a cart through the rotating door and see if anyone reprimands me.  They certainly don’t when you have more than the accepted quantity of items in the express line.  How far will they go to keep the customer happy?

Why I’d rather be punched in the testicles than call customer service – The Oatmeal

Posted on by Standard Reply

Why I’d rather be punched in the testicles than call customer service – The Oatmeal.

Genius.

Biliruben Is the Secret

Posted on by Standard 2

Well, someone at the Penn State Food Science department has a sense of humor.  Ha ha ha.  Have you followed my attempt to contact Galliker’s, the Yahoo! Answers question, posing the question to Turner’s, and Turner’s final suggestion?  OK, then you’re caught up… and you can read this.  I emailed the following to a bunch of people there, and as of yet have only received one reply.  Here’s the email:

from: ERiC AiXeLsyD  <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
to: foodsci@psu.edu
cc: ca3@psu.edu, xd11@psu.edu, jdf10@psu.edu, tsd3@psu.edu, sep14@psu.edu, jmw5@psu.edu, jxc16@psu.edu, moconnor@psu.edu, emills@psu.edu
date: Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 11:03 PM
subject: Blue + Brown = …Green?
mailed-by: gmail.com

Salutations Savvy Sustenance Science Scholar Staff!

I write to you today with something that has had me perplexed for quite a while.  It was recently suggested to me that you would be the the ones with the most knowledge and best skill set to deal with my query.  I of course, thought that this was a splendid idea… which is why I’m (obviously I guess) writing to you now.

Do you like “blue flavored” drinks and Popsicles?  I do.  I enjoy them quite a lot, actually.  Whether it’s the seemingly fictional blue raspberry, some sort of punch, Faygo’s Jazzin’ Blues Berry, or “Bug Juice”… I just seem to gravitate to blue colored drinks.  As of late, I’ve noticed an interesting side-effect of said blue flavored drink consumption:  For some reason, it tends to turn my feces a quite disturbing shade of green.

First, I wrote to Gallagher’s and my missive went unanswered.  Perhaps they did not find the humor in my inquiry.  Perhaps they were upset that I mentioned rival dairy, Turner’s, as having a better Iced Tea.  Perhaps they were offended that I offered to provide photos as evidence of my brightly-hued chartreuse bowel movement upon request.

Second, I posted a question to the Yahoo! Answers community, and wasn’t exactly satisfied with the answer.  I understand the general concept that what you eat determines the contents of your waste, but want a deeper explanation.  Why does the blue dye turn out so green?  Why doesn’t it come out blue?  What is going on in there?  What exactly isn’t digesting?  Does that much blue dye really need to be there?  Are my insides dyed blue or green after it comes out?  Is it harmful?  Are my intestines playing some sort of practical joke on my eyes?

In a tertiary attempt to unravel the mystery at hand, I contacted the good people at Turner Dairy Farms, and was met with a couple of responses, each unfortunately unable to answer my original question… but courteous and accommodating nonetheless.  It was a Mr. Yon & his Quality Control Manager at Turner’s who directed my attention to your esteemed department as the group that would successfully be able to provide a satisfactory explanation of the process behind the green from my behind.

I would really appreciate any insight that you may have on the situation.  Have studies been done about this phenomenon?  Has anyone ever asked you about such things before?  I have so many questions, and you’re the  education experts!  I really appreciate your taking the time to read my email, and thank you in advance for your assistance!

The Emerald Excreter,
-ERiC AiXeLsyD

Perhaps it was too goofy for all the other stuffy scientists?  Maybe they’re scared of the Emerald Excreter!

At any rate, I got an amusing an informative answer (finally):

from: EDWARD MILLS <ewm3@psu.edu>
to: ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
date: Wed, Aug 18, 2010 at 2:07 PM
subject: Re: Blue + Brown = …Green?
mailed-by: psu.edu

Eric,
Interesting question with possibly a very simple explanation.  The human eye sees green when blue and yellow light are reflected simultaneously from a surface.  Blue food dye reflects blue light.  Find a yellow dye to go with it and you could account for the observed green.

I would speculate that the blue food dye is passing through your GIT largely unchanged and is not absorbed across the gut wall. One of the more common pigments of normal stool in biliruben a yellow pigment (derived from hemoglobin or myoglobin breakdown).  Put the two together and the resulting stool might appear green.

Have a great day!
Ed Mills
814-865-2394

Win!  I did have a great day Mr. Mills, thanks to your easy to understand explanation.  Finally, the great mystery is solved!

Turner’s is much more awesome than Galliker’s. I’m just sayin’.

Posted on by Standard 5

Not only does Turner’s produce better Iced Tea, but they’re infinitely more awesome as a company.  As evidence, I give you the following email exchange.  You might want to catch up by reading my previous exchange with Turner’s and an attempted exchange with Galliker’s.

From me to Turner’s:

from ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
to Nicholas@turnerdairy.net
date Wed, Aug 4, 2010
subject Galliker’s vs. Turner’s?
mailed-by gmail.com

hide details Aug 4 (2 days ago)

Hello Titans of Tea!

Recently I wrote to Galliker’s about their Blue Raspberry Drink, and I happened to mention Turner’s Dairy.  They as of yet have not written me back.  Perhaps they were upset that I mentioned that your tea is superior and that you have a cool Tea-bird while they do not?  You can see the full email below.

At any rate, I’ve decided to stop consuming any Galliker’s products… even though I usually have to go out of my way to get Turner’s products.  (I wish more Giant Eagle stores would carry your stuff!)

The only foreseeable problem is that I like their Blue Raspberry flavored drink.  Do you guys have anything comparable?  If so, know where I can get it in Bridgeville, Heidelberg, or anywhere in the South Hills?

Also… the main point of the email below is the odd coloration after the blue dye consumption.  Do you have anything that’s a color that may balance it out?  Science is fun!  Do you guys have food scientists in your employ?  Perhaps this would be something for them to tackle.

Thank you for your time, and have a great day!

Make mine Turner’s,
-Eric

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Jul 26, 2010
Subject: Blue Raspberry Drink & interesting side-effects?
To: info@gallikers.com
Cc: stangeletti@gallikers.com

Hello Mighty Milk Moguls,

I’m writing today to tell you how much I enjoy your Blue Raspberry drink.  Man, it’s flavorful and gives me quite the sugar rush!  I do enjoy Galliker’s milk and juices, although your iced tea isn’t quite as good as Turner’s.  Your lime drink is also stellar… but typically we go for the blue.  I was wondering why you don’t have them all pictured/listed somewhere on the website when I looked to find a way to contact you.  It’s good to show everyone what you’ve got!  Turner Dairy has a photo of all of their products on their website, along with nutritional information.  I do enjoy the allergen information on the “Learn More” section of your site though… it’s something I take quite seriously as a person who suffers from a severe shellfish allergy.

The main reason that I’m writing to you today is to ask… why does your Blue Raspberry drink turn my poop into an odd shade of green?  It’s quite a disturbing site until I realize that I drank some of your juice in the last 24 hours or so.  Perhaps you ought to put a warning on the label?  I’d love to know the science behind it.  If you need photos, I can send them upon request.

Thank you for your time, and thanks in advance for the reply.  I can’t wait to hear from you!

It’s not easy being green,
-Eric

P.S. – Turner’s has a Tea-Bird, do you guys have the Galliker’s Gremlin or something cool like that?

Ridiculous, but after getting nothing from Galliker’s and pretty much a “you’re goofy” from the Yahoo! Answers community…  Why not? Well, it paid off. Nicholas  form Turner’s wrote back!

from Nicholas Yon <Nicholas@turnerdairy.net>
to ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
date Wed, Aug 4, 2010
subject RE: Galliker’s vs. Turner’s?

Eric-

Thank you for the email and kind words.  I hope the Brentwood Giant Eagle is still providing you with a viable (albeit it a somewhat far drive) option for procuring our Charlie’s Old Fashioned Buttermilk.  We do produce a “Blue Bug Juice” product which is a blue raspberry flavored beverage (picture attached).  Listed below is a location in Bridgeville that regularly carries said product as well as a number of additional Turner’s products.  As far as the blue coloration, I’ve forwarded your email to our Quality Control Director for his insight.  He’s on vacation this week and part of next so an answer will be forthcoming but may not be for a few weeks.  He may need to discuss this with some colleagues.  Thank you again for the email and for making our higher standard yours!  Have a great afternoon.

7-11 Bridgeville
850 Boyce Road
Bridgeville, PA

Nicholas Yon
Marketing Director
Turner Dairy Farms, Inc.
From Local Farms to Local Families!

The attached picture:

Blue Bug Thirs-T

Tuner's | Blue Bug Juice

I’m easily wowed by shiny things like pictures.  Pretty neat!  I’m going to have to pick up some of this bug juice.  I hope it’s made from real bugs!  (I’d love to… but can’t bring myself to write & ask that at this point.)

And… it’s awesome that this guy remembered me form before… because I totally sent the other email from my “real” email address… not this W(aL)D one.  Granted, it’s a thinly veiled alias, but dude had to be paying attention.  Kudos for that!  Ha ha ha.

I wrote back to them, of course…

from ERiC AiXeLsyD <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
to Nicholas Yon <Nicholas@turnerdairy.net>
date Fri, Aug 6, 2010
subject Re: Galliker’s vs. Turner’s?
mailed-by gmail.com

hide details 3:05 PM (54 minutes ago)

Thank you, Nicholas, for your quick and informative reply!

I will definitely be on the lookout for Blue Bug Juice!  when I was young and went to camp, we always called the drink “bug juice”.  Good times!  I like the product by name alone.  Ha ha ha.  I can swing through Bridgeville on my way home from work.  Thanks for the attached picture!

The Brentwood Giant Eagle is a great place for me to get Charlie’s Old Fasioned Buttermilk when the craving hits.  Plus, I can use going down that way as an excuse to eat at the Brentwood Express Rowdy BBQ stand.  Ever been there?  It’s ridiculously awesome barbecue.

I really look forward to hearing from your Quality Control Director.  I mean, I can make a guess as to the reason for my query, but I’d like an expert opinion.  An answer from a committee of his peers would even be better!

I find it hilarious that your “esteemed” competition obviously has no sense of humor as a company.  It must be boring to go through life with no appreciation for anything amusing.

I just need to make it a point to stop at Rite Aid more often to get my Turner’s iced tea fix… although I wish they’d carry a larger selection of products like the juices & lime tea.

Have a pleasant weekend!

-Eric

P.S. – Do you ever get to drive the Tea-Bird?  That would make for an exciting weekend!

Hopefully I’ll hear something from this mysterious Quality Control Director and his esteemed panel of colleagues.

Best Wendy’s Review Ever?

Posted on by Standard 1

…Well, according to Digg.  It is pretty awesome.

A Review of Wendy’s

It’s also more insightful that my Wendy’s reviews. Ha ha ha.

A.J. Jacobs – The Year of Living Biblically

Posted on by Standard Reply

While browsing the humor section at Borders the other day, I had more than a few books in my hands, and kept putting them back.  Then, I went over to the general reference section.  I also had 3 or 4 books in my hand there.  Then I put them back.

Generally, I’m a sucker for books filled with useless information in short bursts.  I like to read before I go to bed, and I generally find it hard to put down something that has a continuous story.

Do Ants Have Assholes?: And 106 of the World’s Other Most Important Questions is one that is definitely in my mental checklist of books to grab on one of the next few trips.

I finally wt back to humor & picked up The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs.  I’ve had it in my hand before, but I’ve always put it back.  My friend Joel visited while we were at camp and actually recommended that I get my hands on this one.

Boy, am I glad that I got this one.  I’m not too far in, but so far the imagery that Jacobs puts forth surrounding his quest (or struggle?) is hilarious.  I have a feeling that not only is the book going to get even more funny, but I think there will be a warm-fuzzy feeling at the end.  Ha ha.

From the book itself:

Everyone – family, friends, co-workers – had the same concern: That I’d go native. That I’d end up as a beekeeper at a monastery or I’d move into my ex-uncle Gil’s spare room in his Jerusalem apartment.

In a sense, they were right to worry. You can’t immerse yourself in religion for 12 months and emerge unaffected. At least I couldn’t. Put it this way: If my former self and my current self met for coffee, they’d get along okay, but they’d both probably walk out of the Starbucks shaking their heads and saying to themselves, “That guy is kinda delusional.”

As someone who was brought up in church, but who also appreciates things like logic… this book really hit home with me.  Around Jr. high, I started driving some more straight-laced ministers insane with questions.  Not long after that, I found the ones with a healthy sense of humor and realism that helped me see where religion can fit into an everyday normal existence without being overbearing or ridiculous.

A.J. comes at the subject as an agnostic but with a  healthy respect for the process.  He recognizes the good in religion along with the insanity.  He points out the insanity and makes it humorous without mocking.  That has got to be a difficult thing to do.

His visits with an Amish family, and we learn that some Amish have deadpan humor down to a science.  He has an Orthodox Jewish clothing fiber inspector come to his house to make sure that his clothing isn’t made of mixed fibers.  (Yeah, that’s actually in the bible.)  I’m anxious to see who we visit next.

I can’t wait to finish this book, and already recommend it to anyone who has ever wondered about all those crazy rules… or all those crazy Christians/Jews/[Insert religion here].  I’m definitely going to pick up Know it All soon too.

Chip Wars: Utz

Posted on by Standard Reply

Well, in the ongoing Chip Wars saga that isn’t ruffling as many feathers as I’d like (yet), we have a letter to & response from Utz:

From: ERiC AiXeLsyD world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com
Sent: Saturday, July 03, 2010
To: info; Nutrition; tours
Subject: Crab flavored chips? Ah! (&) A tour sounds nice…

Hello Friends!

I’m writing to you today to tell you how much I enjoy Utz snacks… or rather, how much I hope to continue enjoying them!  I generally seem to buy Utz chips when we’re at Sheetz.  Sheetz is a damn fine establishment, don’t you think?  Although, I must confess, I have a love for Snyder of Berlin Honey Bar-B-Q chips and Herr’s Ketchup flavored chips that I sometimes have to fulfill at Sheetz.  I have yet to try your Grandma’s Handcooked Chips, but look forward to purchasing a bag in the near future.  Well, hopefully.  I’m sure this is cryptic to you by now, so I’ll try to do my best to explain.

There was an article the other day on Yahoo! mentioning the “best” chips, and they didn’t happen to mention any of my favorite brands.  The article was a sham, I tell you.  So, I started researching my own favorite chip brands… to compile my own (much more accurate) list.  In looking at your site, I discovered that you have “crab” flavored chips, and my heart nearly stopped.  You see, my friends, I have a severe allergy to shellfish.  I can become violently ill and go into anaphylactic shock just by eating some food that simply came into contact witht he same cooking surface or prep area as things like shrimp, crab, oysters, lobster, crayfish, clams, mussels, or calamari.

Are all of your flavors of chips processed on the same line?  Do you use just the crab juice to flavor your chips, or is it ground up pieces of crab meat?  Who on earth would want to eat crab flavored chips?  I ask because as I’m sure you’re aware, there are new regulations regarding disclosing the top allergens on food packaging, and I don’t recall any warning on your product packaging indicating that “THIS PRODUCT WAS MANUFACTURED IN A FACILITY THAT ALSO PROCESSES WHEAT, SOY, PEANUT, AND SHELLFISH INGREDIENTS” or anything of that sort.

I would like to continue enjoying your fine snacks, but you must understand that I cannot take the risk if there are crabs lurking around!  Do you have them in tanks there at the factory?  Oh, I shudder at the imagery!  You must imagine that for me, seeing a lobster tank at the grocery store is like anyone else walking into a mine field!

My wife and I enjoy factory tours…  I see form your website that you started about the same time as Snyder’s of Hanover, and you’re located in the same town.  Do you guys have a friendly rivalry, or is it bitter like Coca~Cola & Pepsi?  Do you order pizzas to each others’ office buildings leaving the other stuck with the tab?  For some reason, they seem to passively-aggressively hate on Snyder of Berlin on their product packaging.  I bet you’re glad the don’t say “SNYDER’S OF HANOVER IS IN NO WAY ASSOCIATED WITH SNYDER OF BERLIN OR UTZ, ALSO OF HANOVER.”  I wonder what the deal with that is?  It’s crazy.  At any rate, if we’re ever in the area, I’d very much like to tour both facilities!  One of our goals is to get to the Yuengling Brewery tour in Pottsville.  Perhaps we can stop in Hanover on our way over from Pittsburgh and make a weekend out of it!  It’s only about 2 hours form your location, right?  Maybe we can take in some Pennsylvania Dutch culture out that way too.

Oh well, I’d like to find out more about your fine chips, crab flavoring, and product labeling.  I look forward to hearing from you, hopefully this email finds you well after a great holiday weekend!

Inquisitively,
-Eric Aixelsyd

P.S. – Is it “Uhtz” or “Ootz”?  I’ve been saying the former, but wondering if it’s the latter.
P.P.S – Who is the girl on the bag?

Similar to my other messages, only slightly different.  Their response:

from Pam Berwager pjberwager@utzsnacks.com
to world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com
date Tue, Jul 13, 2010
subject FW: Crab flavored chips? Ah! (&) A tour sounds nice…
mailed-by utzsnacks.com

Dear Mr. Aixelsyd:

Thank you for your email regarding our Crab Chips.  First, let me say that we do not have any shellfish in our plant, nor is there shellfish in our Crab Chips.  It is strictly seasoning.  Did you ever have Bay Seasoning?  Marylanders us this all the time.  They are quite popular, and we receive many compliments on them.  The ingredients are listed on the bag and all the nutrition information is listed on our website at www.utzsnacks.com.  Just click on the nutrition bag at the top.  Our bags are listed with allergy information and most state they are gluten free.  The ingredients are potatoes, cottonseed oil, salt, spices, dextrose, paprika, maltodextrin, sugar, onion powder, honey powder (maltodextrin, honey), disodium inosinate and disodium guanylate, citric acid.  The maltodextrin is derived from corn.  Contains no hydrogenated fats.  This is a gluten free food.

We also invite you to visit our free, self-guided tour of our potato chip making facility.

Sincerely,
Pam

Pamela J. Berwager
Utz Quality Foods, Inc.
Customer Care Representative
800-367-7629, ext. 263

“Check out our Facebook page under ‘Little Utz Girl’ and our blog at utzsnackcentral.com to find out what’s happening at Utz.”

No correction of my pronunciation?  No acknowledgment of Snyder vs. Snyder’s?  No telling me about the creepy girl on the bag?  At least I got assurance of what I already knew… that there are no crab guts on the chips.  The crab on the packaging still gives me the heebie-jeebies.  No comments on Sheetz?  I hope she’s not a Wawa loyalist.

I also like how she explains that maltodextrin is from corn and doesn’t explain disodium inosinate or disodium guanylate.  I don’t know if it’s just fancy names for salt, or something I’d rather not know about anyway.

I believe that this needs further pressing.

Chip Wars: Snyder’s of Hanover

Posted on by Standard 4

Well another response rolled in, and sadly they seem unamused.  This one’s from Snyder’s of Hanover, and I asked them about their (admittedly exaggerated) rift with Snyder of Berlin.  There’s no name attached, so the company itself wrote back to me.  Spooky!

My ramblings submitted via webform:

Hello Snyder Clan!

I’m mainly writing to tell you that I enjoy many of your fine products.  From the ridiculously delicious Snyder of Berlin Honey Bar-B-Q Potato Chips and incredibly savory Kettle-Cooked Sea Salt & Cracked Peppercorn Potato Chips to the tenaciously tangy Snyder’s of Hanover Honey Mustard & Onion Pretzel Pieces and decadent Peanut Butter Pretzel Sandwich Dips.  There are just too many good products to name!

I would like to know why each of your products has a statement on the outside of the packaging that vehemently denies association with the other company.  While reading the company history on each website, it’s clear that they started out of the same company… but it does seem to be a grey area.  What happened?  Why the split?  Why the clear almost stern warning that Snyder’s of Hanover “is not associated with” Snyder of Berlin and vice-versa?

The Snyder of Berlin story seems to start in Hanover during the Civil War, and the Snyder’s of Hanover story seems to start in the 1920’s… but it appears that Snyder’s of Hanover is the older business, and that Snyder of Berlin was the offshoot?  Then the stories jump to the 1940’s, and it seems form the Snyder’s of Hanover site that the Berlin company was sold in the 1950’s… but the Snyder of Berlin page seems to not mention the sale.  Color me confused!

So clearly, there is an association… and someone form each side needs to sit down to discuss & write a common history.  Perhaps some family counseling is order?  I’m sure that if you was around, your friends could recommend you to a great therapist or clergyman who would be able to help resolve the issues of animosity between the companies where they feel the need to lash out passive-aggressive notes on product packaging trying to invalidate the others’ existence.

In the immortal words of the beaten but not broken Rodney King; “People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along? Can we stop making it, making it horrible for the older people and the kids?…It’s just not right. It’s not right. It’s not, it’s not going to change anything. We’ll, we’ll get our justice….Please, we can get along here. We all can get along. I mean, we’re all stuck here for a while. Let’s try to work it out. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to work it out.”

While we’re on the subject, do you feel any animosity towards Utz, Herr’s, Wise, or Shearer’s?  Perhaps the Snyder of Berlin and Snyder’s of Hanover ought to align themselves together in the battle against all other regional snack chains?

My wife and I really enjoy factory tours… We mostly go to breweries, but I’m sure we would enjoy a tour if we’re ever in your area!  I hope to hear form you, and hope that this familial rift is resolved (or on its way to being resolved) in the meantime.  I really look forward to hearing your thoughts on the subject.  Good luck to your in your healing journey!

Shalom,

-Eric Aixelsyd

(Actually, I submitted the same exact message to both companies.) And, then their answer:

from Consumer Affairs consumeraffairs@snyders-han.com
to world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com
date Thu, Jul 8, 2010
subject RE: Contact Us form has been submitted
mailed-by snyders-han.com

Eric,

It’s really basically to try and make consumers out in the market place
aware that there are 2 separate Snyder companies.

Years ago, yes we were under the same company, but there is no family
relations and Snyder’s of Berlin decided to break away and try their own
family business.

Sincerely,
Snyder’s of Hanover, Inc.

[Yawn.]

So, clearly, Snyder of Berlin is the no-good upstart… according to Snyder’s of Hanover.  Apparently they did more than “try”.  I’d say they succeeded.

I can’t believe all my crazy comments and questions went unacknowledged  I brought out the Civil War and Rodney King.  Who references Rodney King anymore?

Chip Wars: Martin’s Potato Chips

Posted on by Standard 3

Well, that article on “the best” chips really got me thinking about potato chips… so I wrote to a bunch of PA chip manufacturers, and may still reach out to some more.  Oddly, Martin’s Potato Chips is the last company to which I had written, and the first to reply.  I’m seriously going to need to give their chips a try.  Sadly, they dodged my Snyder of Berlin vs. Snyder’s of Hanover question… which in essence is the point upon which I keep hammering with these emails.  I may have to write back and press the issue.

Oh well, here’s my letter…

from ERiC AiXeLsyD world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com
to Butch & David Potter info2@martinschips.com
date Tue, Jul 6, 2010
subject Where can I find Martin’s Chips in & around Pittsburgh, PA?

Hello Butch & David,

I was recently reading an Article thanks to Yahoo! Shine declaring that they had discovered the “best” potato chips.  Naturally, being from Pennsylvania… I called shenanigans on the whole thing, as they didn’t mention either Snyder of Berlin or Snyder’s of Hanover, Herr’s, Utz, or even (ugh) Wise.

I expressed my opinion in the comments section, and even blogged about it.  While in the comments section, I was intrigued by someone named Melanie mentioning your fine company.  The comment was a simple one:

Martins Potato Chips Kettle-Cooked and Bar-B-Que Waffle. Made in Thomasville, Pa. 15 minutes from York, Pa. Loved by President Clinton. Really there are no others that compare.

Now, while I can’t say for sure  that former president Bill Clinton is an expert on snack foods… he does struggle with weight issues, so apparently the man likes his food.  Although, one could certainly question his taste in other areas such as women and politics… but I digress.  Hopefully his taste in food is discerning, and not like that of a garbage disposal (as is the case with some people who struggle with said weight issues).

After a quick Google search I found your website, and find it quite refreshing that you acknowledge the area “is located in south central Pennsylvania which is considered by many to be the snack food capital of the world.”  I assume that you welcome friendly snack competition from your aforementioned competitors then.  There is room for everyone at the snack table!

I must confess that I have never had any Martin’s products.  If I’ve seen them in a local store, I must have glossed over them.  This is something that I must correct, my friends!  Do you have a list of available products and/or a list of where your products are sold in the area surrounding Pittsburgh (more specifically just South of the city).

I do like Snyder of Berlin’s Honey BAR-B-Q chips, Herr’s Ketchup chips, and non-locals BEER CHIPS.  I would count those 3 among my favorites.  Perhaps you’ve heard of them?

At any rate… I like your promotion of snack unity for the region.  Perhaps you need to teach Snyder of Berlin and Snyder’s of Hanover a lesson!  Their passive aggressive packaging indicating that there is no association between one and the other when they clearly had a common origin is laughable and preposterous.  Do you feel the need on your packaging to indicate that you’re not associated with Martin Guitars?  That you can’t eat their guitars, and you can’t play your chips as a musical instrument?  I bet not.  (They’re also from that side of the state, aren’t they?)

I look forward to hearing from you, hope you had an excellent Independence Day weekend, and are ready to be back in the snack chip world!  Thank you in advance for your time and (hopefully) a continued dialog!

Champion Chip Connoisseur,
-Eric Aixelsyd

And here’s their reply:

from Chatney Almoney calmoney@martinschips.com
to world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com
date Thu, Jul 8, 2010
subject Where can I find Martin’s Chips in & around Pittsburgh, PA?

Good Morning Eric Aixelsyd,

Thank you for inquiring about Martin’s Potato Chips.  We are a family owned company in York County.  We use a distributer in the Pittsburg area.  He said that the closest he can get to southern Pittsburg is Smithfield on Forbes at 234 Forbes Ave. He also said downtown carries several varieties as does McKees Rocks Foodland at 1100 Chartiers Ave.  Also, the Giant Eagle in Crafton (Crafton-Ingram Shopping Center) might be another convenient alternative.  I hope this helps you to find our products.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to look into our products.  We also carry a honey BBQ chip, but it is a little different than the Snyder of Berlin’s brand.  Our most popular products are our BBQ Waffle Chips, our Kettle Cook’d Chips and our Butter Popcorn.  I hope you enjoy them.

Thanks again,

Chatney Almoney
Sales Coordinator
Martin’s Potato Chips
calmoney@martinschips.com

Heh.  Chatney needs to learn about the “h” on the end of Pittsburgh.  She apparently side-stepped the Martin Guitars question, too.  I mean, they are only 2½ hours apart.

I see that Butch & Dave Potter don’t reply to the email address that’s posted as their contact address on the site.  Why put it out there if you’re not going to reply?

Also, I looked all through their online store, and don’t see any Honey BBQ chips.  I’m thoroughly confused.

All in all, I think I like Martin’s as a company.  They seem quaint.  They were the first to reply.  They do, however need a better website… and they need to address the Snyder vs. Snyder’s issue as well as the Martin Guitars inquiry.  Perhaps I should write to Martin guitars?

In all seriousness, I need to set up a factory tour road trip where I tour the Yuengling Brewery, the Martin Guitar Factory, and some chip manufacturers.

Dog Turds and Toothbrushes

Posted on by Standard 9

Amused & annoyed by the lack of formal response from Subway, I decided to reboot (again with editing help from Dave).  I sent a new message via the webform (luckily this time it fell within their character limit), and also via snail mail:

Hello Friends!

This message is less about a specific Subway location, and more about Subway practices in general.

I hear from recent news reports that Subway has their cheese tessellation issues under control and will assert a more correct cheese placement this July.  Independence for dairy goodness!

Although I was worried about the cheese triangle issue, I am still more concerned about food allergen and cross-contamination awareness in Subway Employees and Sandwich Artists.

Are you aware of how many people out there suffer from some sort of food allergy?  I believe it’s 11% of the population.  Myself, I’m affected with a severe allergy to shellfish.  I can’t eat in your fine stores unless they’re the small ones in places like Wal-Mart that don’t serve the deadly dreaded seafood death sub.

Not only does the creamy death-inducing concoction reside right beside the other meat, the cheeses, and toppings; it often spews all over the open containers when it’s scooped out with that poor miserable ice-cream scoop.

Then we have the community knife.  If one were to cut someone’s seafood sub with that knife, wipe it off, then cut my sub, there are STILL allergens on that knife, enough allergens to kill me.  Do you want me to be thrown in to an Anaphylactic fit?  I doubt it.  Well, at least, I hope not.

Think about this – do you share your toothbrush with everyone in your household?  Would you with everyone in your office?  Would you share it with everyone that you pass on the way to work in the morning or with everyone who’s eating lunch with you at the same place where you’re choosing to dine?

Yes, it sounds gross, but those potential germs that you’re no doubt currently horrified of are the same as the very real allergens that will most certainly throw me into instant death.

If that didn’t do it for you, imagine I put a giant dried dog turd on the sandwich board, cut it in half, wrapped it, wiped off the knife, and then cut your sandwich.  By Subway’s current logic, that knife is clean and contamination free.  This is most certainly not a pretty picture to you, my friend.  Is it?

I really am looking forward to your thoughts on this issue.  I hope to have a continued dialog until the issue is brought to the attention of those in charge of such things.

I thank you in advance for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon!

Blowing your mind,
-Eric

P.S. – I was wondering, when you work in an office for Subway, do you have an in-office Subway in which the employees receive (or make) their own lunch?  Or, is there a Subway nearby where you get free or discounted food?  Or, are you all too sick of Subway to eat there?

Letters to Subway

Letters to Subway

I had to resort to snail mail to see if I get a better response.  Emails are sadly all too easy to ignore.  Unless you’re persistent, I guess.  I did get a response from Paula Gomez again, this time in direct response to the above message sent via direct email, not the webform:

From: Paula Gomez gomez_p@subway.com
Date: Thu, Jun 24, 2010
Subject: Subway & Allergen Cross-Contamination
To: world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com

Dear Mr Aixelsyd:

Thank you again for your time and sharing your comments. We value the input of our customers and take this as an opportunity to improve our business and satisfy our guests.

The Company policy directs our independent restaurant owners / operators to take all necessary precautions to prevent the possibility of cross contamination. This includes the policy of washing all utensils and containers after each use. Each restaurant is independently owned and operated and is the responsibility of the franchise owner to implement and enforce the policy.

We will ensure that this important message is reiterated with each restaurant to ensure that proper procedures are followed.

Again, I appreciate you taking the time to contact us. SUBWAY® looks forward to your continued visits.

Sincerely

Paula Gomez

***DISCLAIMER***

The information contained in this e-mail and attachments, if any, is confidential and may be subject to legal privilege. If you are not the intended recipient, you must not use, copy, distribute or disclose the e-mail and its attachment, or any part of its content or take any action in reliance of it. If you have received this e-mail in error please e-mail the message back to the sender by replying and then deleting it. We cannot accept responsibility for loss or damage arising from the use of this e-mail or attachments and recommend that you subject these to your virus checking procedures prior to use. Thank you.

Well, at least she remembers that I contacted them before… but I don’t think she remembers her previous responses.  I think I was assured that they all go through training.  I asked about the training, and didn’t get any solid replies.  Now, it seems to be all on the responsibility of each individual owner/operator.

Sadly but not surprisingly, my postscript about the in-office Subway situation went unanswered.  I’m guessing that’s what puts it over the top… even though I had previously mentioned the thought of a community toothbrush and a dog turd in a food prep area.

I’ll wait for some other responses (if I get any), and try to ratchet this up a notch or two.